Trigger tonight and Retrieval Tuesday

Well, it’s official now, egg retrieval will be Tuesday morning. Trigger shot of HCG is tonight at 10:30 pm. My butt hurts already just thinking of it.

I am just glad to have it scheduled. I like schedules.

This morning’s U/S was hopeful. We have 2 follies that are too large at this point (which we expected), but the good news is that there are five more that now measure right, so that is a net gain of three extra potential follies as reward for waiting the extra day to trigger. I still refused to count follies today but C. thinks it’s 15. We’ll see. What really matters is how many are mature enough for ICSI and then how many actually fertilize. Last time we had 16 retrieved, 10 mature and 9 fertilized, 3 transfered. Sadly, none stayed for the long haul.

This time I really don’t care that much about any one step in the process. What matters is the outcome. All I care about at this point is that the whole mess does not end in another BFN. Fellow cyclers (cyclists?) Thalia and Sube are having similar thoughts on the matter.

We are going for broke here. Bring on a bona fide, viable, BFP at long last.

Please, oh please . . . whatever divine entity might be listening . . . pretty please.

On and on and on . . .

9:20 pm.

That is how long it took to get the results. Just short of 14 hours! That’s crazy.

Anyway, the short story is that I get to do one more night of stimms. Lucky me. We better have eggs a plenty for all this! And, as Murphy’s infamous Law would have it . . . I had to open a new 600iu cartridge for a 100iu dose which will likely be my last. So how many dollars down the drain does 500iu come out to??

Bitch, bitch, bitch . . . grumble.

Tomorrow bright and early I have another U/S and you guessed it . . . more “stat” bloodwork. Leading to more waiting games?

Stay tuned.

Can you believe . . . ?

It is currently 7:15 PM and the lab still has no results in?? For STAT bloodwork? I had my blood drawn at 7:45 AM! Honestly!

The on-call RE just called to say that the lab is late getting results today. She told me to hold off until she calls back with instructions. (Whether it’s one more dose of stimms for me or trigger tonight.)

How can the lab be THIS late? I’ve heard the staff complain that this happens fairly often, but it’s never happened to me. (Figures today would be the day).

So I am still in limbo. I don’t like limbo. It conflicts with my need to control my universe. Ha ha.

Limbo Land

Well, it’s a complete toss up between Monday and Tuesday for retrieval. Awaiting E2 now. Dr. Funnypants’ partner did the U/S today and she said she would lean towards Monday but Dr. Funnypants left her a note saying he wanted to push it an extra day to see if we can get a few more mature eggs which means Tuesday. Of course Doc Partner says we may start losing the biggest ones if we do that so it’s a toss up for her. Great.

I’m voting for Monday, but no one is asking me.

Stay tuned . . .

For a change of pace

In other news today: feline healthcare costs are through the roof. Almost as bad as my own! Yesterday I took our oldest cat (13 yrs old) Maggie to the vet. She has lost quite a bit of weight these past few months. She drinks and pees a ton so I am worried about kidney failure or diabetes. She seems totally fine otherwise, happy Well, she’s a grouch actually, but always has been), active, but I want to keep her that way.

She is a mean old critter (mellowed with age, but still rather feisty). The vet is scared of her. The vet is a wuss. He would not take blood from her or give her a physical exam without putting her under. So, $241 dollars and one general anesthetic later poor Mags had blood drawn and a urine sample taken. All this on top of the $69 we paid last week for her routine shots (when he decided he couldn’t take blood from her while awake). So why do I have to pay double office visits because the vet is a wimp?

Now she is worth it, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think this vet is worth it. A good vet should be able to handle a 13 year old, 8 pound, female cat for goodness sake! I would change vets in a minute, but he is so close and all three of our critters are horrible in the car.

Other complaints: They did an ugly job shaving her neck, and when I picked her up there was poop in her carrier. Poor sedated kitty was half sitting in it. Is it too much to ask that they clean it up when she poops? It’s not like she had the option to go to the litter box as she was locked in a carrier! (I am guessing they were too scared to put their hands in the carrier once she was awake.)

So I am now awaiting her results, along with my own, to see where we all stand.

I had another ultrasound this morning and I am going back in again tomorrow. (At 7:45 am! I can never get those early times on a workday when I need then, but on a Saturday it is my only choice. Ugh!) My eggs are almost ready, I am getting close. I am 98% sure I will trigger tomorrow night with retrieval Monday. That would make me the first to go (at my clinic for this round). Last time I was the very last! You just never know what to expect. We’ll see what the RE says after looking at the U/S report and getting the E2 back.

Stay tuned . . .

I am a regular comedian, so is my RE.

Today was follie check # 3, that makes me cycle day 9, stimms day 7, IVF#2. C. came with me today (this is rare). His shift was canceled and so he came along for the fun. RE actually commented that C. looked tired and how was HE feeling. RE caught himself and laughed, then asked C. if the injections and side effects were getting to him. V. funny Dr. Funnypants! RE did ask me how I was, and I smiled cheerfully with my new Zo*loft powered goodwill, and said “so far so good.”

Next Dr. Funnypants forgot the latex-free wand cover (again). He apologized (again). Mumbling something about how he doesn’t know why he can’t remember that I’m latex allergic after more than 2 years of this. (I wonder that too!) So I said “I have been tempted to get them out of the cupboard myself, but I thought that might be a bit forward.” He said I was free to help myself anytime.

Then we moved on the actual wanding. My lining is fine. My right ovary is looking busy and was easy to find. My left ovary was MIA. Dr. Funnypants was as gentle as possible but it still hurt. He wondered out loud where it was hiding. I suggested he look behind my tonsils. This got another laugh from Dr. Funnypants. He finally found it and the search was worthwhile since lefty is being the overachiever ovary this go around. Thank God I am having anesthesia for the retrieval, eh Jenny??

I go in again Friday. Look ma . . . no hands, err . . . I mean no numbers! I am still trying to avoid obsessing over lab values, follie size and counts. No numbers for me. I will ask for an E2 if Nurse M. calls. (So, OK, I still like numbers. In moderation.)

I asked Dr. Funnypants whether he can take a guess at when we’ll do retrieval. I expected him to say no, too early. He surprised me. He said Monday. I will believe it when I see it, but that would suit me just fine. I was afraid this cycle would drag on and on. Let’s get on with it, I say!

I think Dr. Funnypants is v. glad that I am taking Zo*loft. I am much more fun this way. I have not cried in his office yet this go around. But no worries, there is still time for tears. We all know that all to well!

So that is my report for today. So far, so good. NBHHY. I feel lucky for the moment.

Please go give some love and support to Nina and DD. They can no longer say NBHHY. I am very sorry that both their hearts are aching. I wish I could make it all better.

Edited to add: (E2 is 740, for those who like to keep track. I am staying detached.)

Weird Things

Damn!

Well, I seem to have missed the entire point of this tag game! It’s six WEIRD things, is it?? Oh bother! LOL

Since #3 and #4 are not all that weird, let me revise those:

3) I cannot follow directions worth a damn
4) I have public bathroom “issues” (as in I will not use certain ones. For example, I would rather die holding it than to pee at a gas station or in an outhouse).

The others are not super weird, but I’ll leave them as is.

Six Things

First off, let me say how excited I am to be tagged! And then to be tagged by 5 of you! Wow. Jen, Nina, Mary Ellen & Steve, Barely Sane, and Sarah! How can I refuse now? So here it goes:

My Six Things

1) I have lived in 3 different countries, I speak three different languages, we moved about every 3 years of my childhood, this trend continued into my twenties, I prefer to stay put now but that gypsy itch is in my blood now, so I try to travel enough to keep it at bay.

2) Range of jobs I’ve held: baby-sitter, camp counselor, sailing instructor, sales clerk, receptionist, waitress, OR nurse, office manager, scuba instructor, massage therapist, “professional” potter.

3) Things I still hope to accomplish in life: motherhood, write a book, reach an (as yet undefined by me) level of success in the world of ceramic art, travel to all continents, sky dive, learn to dance well, knit a pair of socks, find inner peace (no, I am not kidding). **Not necessarily in that order!

4) Things I had in common with C. when we met: love of art in general, photography and pottery in particular, Love of water sports, especially sailing and scuba diving, same taste in furniture styles/decor (Mission / Arts and Crafts era), Love of cats, we each had two. Plus: all the usual important stuff like values and goals for the future. We are also very different. Life trials like infertility make the difference really show and test the strengths. So far the strengths are winning.

5) I love my cats better than I like most people. We now have three: his, hers, and ours. When I got the newest one, C.’s only requests were that she not be tiger striped and that we giver her a name not starting with M. We now have three tiger striped cats named Maggie, Mischief and Mollie. I do not listen.

6) We were married on a beach in Hawaii. I had the word obey stricken from the vows. Our only witnesses where the minister, the photographer and a woman that we hired to play soft guitar music in the background. (Oh yeah, and all those gawking tourists!) I highly recommend not inviting anyone to your wedding. Instead, spend the money on a fantastic trip for yourselves. Maybe I am selfish in that way.

Now who would like to play??
This is hard because the tag bandit is going around faster than I can type!!

Maya
Meg
Sube
Liz
EJW
Fertility Faux Pas
Portlairge
Tigglebitties

**I’ve added two people since at least two were already tagged by the time I “got there”**

So here is what you have to do to play:
1) Go write 6 random or weird facts/things/etc. about yourself in my comment box and on your blog, then tag six more people!

2) Then leave a comment that says ‘You are tagged’ in their comments telling them to read your blog.

Follie check #2

Well, there is really nothing exciting to report but I am going to post anyway. My E2 is cooperating (so far) . . . there are follicles growing.

If last time is any indication, I am the slow and steady sort of IVF’er. Unfortunately, I am not a slow and steady sort of person. I have a more full speed ahead, let’s get this done already kind of personality. But I think I am managing to stay fairly patient so far. Detached is a better word. I am staying rather detached from this cycle.

I tend to be such a control freak about things I want to achieve. I work hard and I get what I want. (Well, in a deluded sort of way at times . . . but I digress.) Infertility has not fit into that approach, (no kidding?? !!) and I’ve finally accepted (to the best of my ability) that this is simply not a matter of trying hard or working hard and that this is largely out of my control. I don’t LIKE this, but I have more or less ACCEPTED it as fact. More or less.

So, this time around I just kind of show up when and where I am supposed to. I even have to remind myself to take my injections. I am kind of “pretending” that I’m not really doing IVF at all, I just happen to have a shit load of doctors appointments and a refrigerator full of drugs. I think this approach is helping. (OK, part of me wonders if it’s just the Zo*loft at work.) But I don’t care. I don’t even care much what the outcome here is (yeah, right, until I get a BFN that is). But should I happen to get a BFP, I plan to keep this detached thing going for another three months or so if I can.

How does that plan sound?

This will make my blog very boring to read. I will not have exciting anxiety attacks to report on if I manage to pull this off. I am willing to make the trade off!

As for the toddler birthday party, I succeeded in this new approach to an impressive degree with that event. I held baby niece, sniffed in some pheromones (couldn’t resist). Talked to parents of other infant, indulged, no . . . encouraged even . . . their baby chitchat, bragging, etc. I really was not at all in baby envy mode. I did not cry on the way home. It was so odd.

Something even more odd struck me. I did not have my usual pangs of “what if I never have this, what if we never have our own.” The other baby couple kept referring to baby related stuff in a context of “when you have yours” or “you’ll see” as if it was just a given that we would soon be joining this club. (The other baby couple do not know of our troubles, but then again maybe SIL told them, but then again I detected no pity so I doubt it.) Also SIL and BIL referred a few times to things we’d need to buy or do when we have our child. (They do know we’ve done IVF once and that it failed. They also know we plan to try again, but they don’t know it’s already underway). SIL and BIL also joked about regifting a really tacky baby gift they received and that we’ll be the recipients.

I should really wait to post later when I can be more coherent! Is anyone following this?

The point of that whole ramble was that I felt almost normal . . . like maybe I am not so separate from these women, maybe I will be one of them one day soon. And while I still have my doubts about that, it was good to feel that they didn’t.

I am not sure if this post makes any sense at all.

I think what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been so absorbed in the pain of infertility that I really have come to believe that other people see me as broken or different as well. They don’t. They just see a woman who likes kids and babies, is good to them, good with them, and therefore if she wants to be a mother, as it appears she does, then obviously she will be.

And it suddenly dawned on me that this is true. I will be a mother. Maybe not through IVF, maybe not to a biological child, but I will be a mother and that is all that matters in the end. I had lost sight of that.

(Besides, the palmist said so.) I must get around to writing a post about him.

I still have to go through a lot of crap to get to where I want to be. Whether it be IVF or adoption, it’s a hard road. And I will have bad days along the way. I still resent like crazy that we have to take this shitty, scary, bumpy path when most people get to coast along in the express lane to parenthood.

So those are my rather disconnected thoughts for today. I am not even going to edit this post. I’ll leave the writing to the writers. There are many of you out there with a real talent for it. Me, I am just going to ramble on at will!

***The nurse called and they are increasing my dose of stimms tonight, so I just couldn’t resist asking about the E2. It is 193. Does anyone know if this is “good” for where I am (four days of stimms, tonight will be fifth dose). But I am not obsessed! Honest! Just curious, in a detached sort of way! Honest!

So far so good

I had my first follie check today. This was unusually early (tonight will only be by third dose of stimms), but Dr. P does not want to see the evil OHSS again. I’m happy to report that all is well with my ovaries. Since I have not received a call from my RE’s office we can “assume” the E2 is fine as well. (I am a bit nervous to post this part.) Never assume and all that.

Normally I ask them to call me with the result either way. I did not do that today. Their protocol is to call with changes only (though they have always humored my “need to know.”) This cycle I want to try to ignore the numbers but I am already having trouble letting go of that. (Don’t laugh!)

So we’ll “assume” all is well in there.

Tomorrow will be my first “shooting up away from home” challenge. We are going to my nephew’s third birthday party. I am not keen on going, but I promised C. I could handle it. My nephew and baby niece are one thing, but there may be two other babies and an unknown number of toddlers there. This may cause me to cry most of the three hour drive home. Somewhere in there I need to inject my infertility drugs. Life seems unfair right now. Boo Hoo for me.

I’ve spent part of today making deviled eggs and a cranberry orange loaf for the party. Just call me Betty Crocker. I am hoping to collect some good karma points for all this sacrifice and kindness. I could just stay home and pout, but I will do the “right thing” hoping that the universe believes in fair paybacks.

Next follie check (maybe by then there will be some action in there) is Monday morning.

Happy Weekend everyone!