Two more days

How long can two days take after all? How long can the weekend after that last? I am more scared of the weekend than I am of the Friday beta. A long weekend of crying seems like no fun at all. But it might be good news you say . . . oh, right, that is also possible.

In all fairness it is possible. But I don’t feel pregnant. Wouldn’t I feel something if an event so momentous was taking place inside my own body? Wouldn’t I just know??

I hate not knowing, but I hate knowing that the answer is NO even more. Do I even need a beta? Can’t I just keep injecting PIO forever, keeping AF at bay and pretend I am pg? After all I am now officially fat enough* to pass for pregnant. Will people notice if I don’t give birth in nine months? Hmmmm . . . I guess I couldn’t fool them forever.

Oh well. It was just an idea.

*I had an irrational flip out session** this afternoon because my Mom bought me an unsolicited pie. A freaking pie. I don’t need a pie. I just baked low fat zucchini loaf with lots of yummy cinnamon and vitamins and goodness (which she knew) and what does she do? Buys me a pie. A WHOLE pie. Food = Love in her mind, so I know it wasn’t meant in a bad way, but I am so sick of food being central to my relationship with her. Can’t she talk to me about stuff I care about. Like my life?

**For the record, I only flipped out silently. Then I did the cowardly thing and asked my Dad to somehow keep my Mom from buying me food. I am a grown woman and I DO grocery shop and cook. My husband*** in NOT starving.

***Last time I left my husband alone for a week to go to a pottery workshop, I cooked a week’s worth of meals for him to heat up and still my Mom showed up to feed him while I was gone (with pie no less)!

OK, enough about my family’s dysfunction.

Realism vs Pessimism

Is it really pessimism to expect failure when failure is all you know? I like to call it realism. Well, I don’t really like to call it anything at all. But I think calling it realism is . . . well . . . realistic. My husband is an optimist. This is one of his many traits that I admire. It was one of the things that attracted me to him. But, now, it is kind of a barrier of sorts. I don’t want to pretend to be hopeful just to make him happy, I don’t want to rain on his parade either but I do kind of get irritated from time to time that he can just keep on thinking that “this time” it is going to work.

Maybe I am a pessimist after all. Maybe I am just a bitch. For sure I am just plain worn out from this cycle of hope-heartache-hope-heartache . . .

Today I had my progesterone level checked and it was fine. Good even. A nice P3 of 27 point something. I called C. to fill him in and he said something sweet like “that’s great” and “see, everything is going well” . . . I couldn’t just say uh-huh and smile through the phone. I had to say “you know it doesn’t mean this has worked.” I am such a kill joy. But why not accept it now instead of in another seven days??

I need to get more sleep. I have been having nasty dreams, and when those aren’t wrecking my restorative delta waves, then our senile cat is. She can’t tell day from night anymore and she is going deaf so she meows very loudly at all hours of the day or night to go outside. I am starting to wish her 9th life would come and go so I can sleep.

Now, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know I am a cat adoring nut, so for me to wish one ill means I am not doing so well on the Pollyanna scale. I am just so damn tired. * And I’m not even sure anymore if it is physically sleep deprived tired, mentally “depressed” tired, or just plain sick and tired. Maybe some of each.

*(Note to my IRL blogger pal, my fatigue predates our “ran longer than we planned” dinner date.)

I will nap all weekend if I must, in an attempt to be civil in the next week of my 2ww. Wishing for some peace and quiet and some delta waves . . .

Woke up screaming in the night

AKA How to scare the crap out of your spouse

Last night I had the most wicked calf cramp. I literally woke up crying out in pain. I scared poor C. out of a sound sleep. I have never experienced such a thing and if I never do again it will be too soon. Yikes!

In other news there is no news. The 2ww is just kind of meandering along. Slow as can be. I have been mentally keeping track of all things internal. Like “Today is 5dpiui. S/he/they must be blastocysts by now, implantation *should* happen in the next 24 hours or so . . . ” You get the idea. Wishful thinking? Yes. But, it beats all thought of doom and gloom. Those are sure to take over soon enough.

To keep busy I have been doing all things “crafty.” I crocheted a puppet like bath mitt for a baby gift. Then I made three more because they are so fun to do. I have also started a new pottery project. I have had the hardest time feeling inspired on the pottery front. I have a show in November so I am starting to get a bit worried about it. This inertia must not continue.

I hope you’re all doing well . . . now I’m off to read a few blogs and get caught up.

11.3 million

No, that is not the local state lottery jackpot number. Rather, it’s the post “wash” sperm count for our IUI. We should have a good number of eggs released as well (in theory) with 6-8 follicles. I think that’s good, but who knows. Two weeks will tell. My Beta is September 1st.

This IUI went well. It was nice to have C. there. For our previous early morning IUI’s he did his thing then I had my appointment 2 hours later, usually alone. Today, because it was scheduled for noon, we both just took the day off because we would have been so late for either of our jobs and besides, it’s Friday! So he was there for the IUI, not just to make a “contribution.”

I must be getting paranoid in my old age. I seriously had doubts whether Dr. Leaving-town actaully did an IUI (as in did he actually get through the cervix). Why you ask? Well, he was just too quick and I did not have any of that cramping when the catheter goes through the cervix. C. says I should just be glad that Dr. L-T did such a “good job” that it didn’t hurt. I sure hope so. I am getting paranoid aren’t I?? I’ve always had a nurse for the IUI’s and they usually struggled a bit to get the catheter in, it took longer and it usually caused a pinching feeling followed by several waves of cramps. Not that I like pain mind you, it’s just reassuring to feel something happening.

I must be losing my mind. I had previously scheduled a massage for this afternoon post IUI and I forgot all about it. I feel like such a shit for standing my massage therapist up and I am also disappointed because I LOVE my massages. It’s not the sort of thing I normally forget.

Does infertility cause paranoia, insanity or memory loss?

Just wondering.

In other news . . . . Oscar is doing well. He hardly misses his balls at all. I was talking with a friend of mine about our cats and she told me that when her gray cat had his leg shaved for an IV, the fur grew back white. I hope this does not happen to poor (mostly black) Oscar, because they shaved his one leg and his tiny balls. If the balls grow back white, we’ll have to change his name to snowballs or something.

Poor guy, I am having yet another chuckle at his expense.

Now, how to pass the next two weeks . . .

Just a dab will do.

My RE has a new ultrasonographer! She’s a part-time hire for Wednesdays only and she uses just a smidgen of blue goo. How lucky am I?

My eggs are cooked. We have 8 or 9 altogether and my best guess is that 6 will be mature for trigger. I think that is pretty good for an IUI. I “heart” Ganire*lix. My EL = 11 and my E2 yesterday was 377. (I persist in asking.) (I am a pain that way.)

Our IUI is Friday at noon and my trigger shot is tonight at midnight. I guess we’ll have to stay up late.

Poor Oscar is being castrated this very minute. I find this to be oddly ironic. The only fertile being in my household is being sterilized today. Poor thing.

A story for Beth

Beth made this comment in response to my unknown E2 numbers:

“And why oh why don’t nurses just volunteer levels? It annoyed me to always have to ask – its my blood for God’s sake!”

Exactly! It’s MY blood!

This jogs my memory that I wanted to share this story. Wednesday I had to get non-IF bloodwork in the same building as my RE. My IF bloodwork is a package deal, so I needed to get it done by the RE nurse and the non-IF test couldn’t be done by the RE’s lab. So I asked the “other” lab person to draw an extra tube of MY blood for me to take upstairs so that I didn’t have to get stuck twice in ten minutes. She asked whether I knew what tests I needed, and luckily I have an honorary RE degree so I said, “Yes, I need an E2 and an LH level, it’s the yellow top tube.” So she very kindly drew the extra vial and labeled it with my name and birth date, etc. I figured I was doing everyone a favor (not least of all ME). This was one less arm the RE nurse had to stick, one less patient to deal with in her busy day. Well, you’d think I had walked in with bloody dripping entrails or something. The office girls were all in a fuss. I guess I messed with the usual protocol and the office was a-buzz with panic. The one medical secretary actually said to me “I’m surprised they let you leave the lab with that” (“that” being the tube of MY blood).

I mean really, it was MY blood. It was in a sterile glass tube, inside of a plastic zip*lock biohazard bag.

Seriously. Do patients have any “rights”? We can’t read our three inch thick charts, we can’t know our lab results, and now we can’t have possession of our own blood?? Seriously. (Can you tell I’ve been watching too much Grey*s Anatomy??)

Yawn

This cycle is getting boring, even for me.

A nurse just called to say that Dr. L-T wants me to stim for one more day. Dose stays the same. (Now up to F=200, M=75 plus one ganire*lix.) I just want to get to the IUI part already. But, I admit I am being a bit impatient. Today is cd 13, so if we trigger tomorrow, that is cd 14, which puts IUI at cd 16. I guess that’s not too bad, but it’s not ideal. I was hoping for ideal. (Ya, like that has happened much!) I have no idea what my E2 is, this nurse never tells me and the call was over before I could ask. (Scowl.)

So if patience is a virtue, then I better keep working on it.

This is what my morning looks like tomorrow: Catch Oscar, put him in the dreaded cat carrier, drive poor upset kitty to vet at 7:30 am (which will take 30 minutes if I am lucky, 60 if I am not). Reassure kitty that even though I am having his favorite parts removed, I do love him, really I do. Then, rush off to the RE for 9 am appointment with the infamous blue goo slathered wand. Then . . . Rush off to work to be . . . Oh, about 90 minutes late. Squirm in my seat all day feeling v. annoyed about the blue goo and life in general.

Sigh. It’s all so much fun . . . NOT! But, I guess it could be worse. Oh, yes, it can always be worse.

Déjà Vu*

Well, today’s ultrasound was more or less a repeat of yesterday. Maybe a little growth on the smaller follies, but as has happened in a few previous cycles, I have one lead follie and a bunch of stragglers. The pending E2 result and my ever-wise Dr. Leaving-town will determine whether we trigger tonight or try to grow these stragglers for one more day. I don’t much care either way, I have sort of given up on this cycle (as a self protective anti-hope device I suppose).

Did I ever mention that my ultrasound tech uses WAY TOO MUCH BLUE GOO? Well, it’s still true. Man I hate that.

I’d prefer to trigger tonight and do the IUI Thursday because Friday’s are hard for C. to take off and I’d like him to be there for the IUI. It’s the only way this high tech baby project feels like it has anything to do with being a couple if we can at least share that.

But, I will live with whatever happens. Infertility has taught me that. I can tolerate much more than I ever imagined I could. I don’t like to, but I can.

Will post an update this afternoon. This is the post about nothing that I just felt compelled to write.

*The term déjà vu is French and means, literally, “already seen.” Those who have experienced the feeling describe it as an overwhelming sense of familiarity with something that shouldn’t be familiar at all.

Progress **Updated**

Well, today’s ultrasound showed a little progress. There are seven contenders, follies ranging in size from 10×10 to 16×16. I am awaiting the E2 and will have another follie check tomorrow. I expect to trigger tomorrow and IUI Thursday, but it could easily be Wed./Friday. We’ll see.

**Update: E2 is only 239. This seems “bad” to me, but then there is follie growth, so that is good, right? I guess I’ll know more tomorrow. My dose was also increased again**

**I’ve tried to add an Oscar pic but blogger is beign a bugger again.**

I have really been struggling since the failed FET. I am just so down and defeated. I can’t seem to shake this doom and gloom. This past weekend was the firsts really beautiful weekend we’ve had, in terms of weather. I spent, (wasted would be more accurate), most of it crying and feeling blue. I did take my walk, several in fact and that did help. I wish I could find a stroller free park though. The exercise helps my mood, but all the happy moms and tots are a bit hard to take sometimes.

So enough about that.

I joined RESOLVE today. I’m not sure how much use that will be. There are no active support groups in my area, but I’ve been meaning to join for some time now. There is a new group starting up in September that is a reasonable driving distance from me. I may give that a try.

Nina asked for an Oscar update. (Thanks Nina!) He is as cute as ever. Sometimes I think he is human. He is such an affectionate cat. My others are friendly, but he is really a Mama’s boy. He follows me around a bit like a puppy. Poor Oscar has to get his little boy parts snipped this week. I hate that part . . . but it must be done. He will forgive me. I hope.

Last night we had a skunk incident. Not with one of the cats, thank God! It may have been one of the baby raccoons or anything really, but the skunk did his thing under our house and throughout the night the smell kind of drifted up through the floor. (Our house is a bungalow built up on risers.)

Today I have kept the cats indoors. I would hate to have a skunked cat. C. and I watched as Oscar meowed piteously at the door to go out and all of a sudden I started to giggle. C. says, what? I said look at him laying their belly up begging to go out . . . he looks like a skunk himself (in reverse)! If we let him out the skunk family may just take him in and make him their own! We had a good laugh at Oscar’s expense. Maybe we should have named him Flower.

Update

Well, I’m not pregnant. No kidding. How annoying to have to hear it all over again, two weeks later. It’s not like I was holding out any hope here, but I hate unpredictable crap like this.

My E2 is finally moving in the right direction (barely) so I am supposed to continue with the Fo*llistim, add some Meno*pur and also add Ganire*lix to keep things in check. I don’t even know if I agree with the plan at this point, but I’ll just do what they tell me. I’m too worn out to think about whether it is a good plan or not. I am really very frustrated and discouraged. It will be a miracle if I ever get pregnant. A real, honest to god miracle.

I feel so defeated right now. Forgive me, I am just on another low.

I’m off to walk off some frustration.