First think of what you WANT to do; then do what you HAVE to do

OK, so yesterday I may have sounded unnaturally happy about having an appointment. So here’s the truth: I don’t want to be doing IVF at all. I don’t want to have to do IVF to get what I want. I don’t want an appointment for an ultrasound, especially not a transvaginal one. That hard plastic thing stuck into my tender parts . . . with a half a bottle of blue goo for good measure . . . not a fab start to a dreary winter’s day.

But, if I have to do this, if this is the only chance I have to end up with what I want: a real live baby of my own . . . then I will do it with a smile. Because that is what I do: keep smiling. The worse I feel the more pasted on the smile gets. I figure there are extra points for the effort at this stage, to hell with authenticity!

It’s the oddest stuff that gets to me in stressful times. Like why can’t I work up the nerve to tell ultrasound technician that it is really not necessary to use that much goo. Think of the money the clinic could save in a year. The RE uses about 1/3 as much and he can a) insert the dildocam just fine b) see my ovaries just fine. I hate walking around all day wondering if I should start paying attention to all those incontinence commercials. I mean you just can’t wipe that blue crap off! (I try . . . using about half a box of doctor’s office Kleenex each time . . . to little avail.)

But, then I wonder why this bugs me so much. I mean really: In the grand scheme of things what’s a little blue goo?

Here’s what I came up with:

  • It’s an unnecessary evil, so why can’t they spare me at least that?
  • It’s a dignity thing. Let me keep some. Just a tiny bit.
  • It forces me to wear ragged undies on appointment days.
  • It gives my mind some inane thing to obsess over that is easier to process than the big stuff of infertility.

So that those are my best guesses as to why I am so hung up on the blue goo. The blue goo is my infertility scapegoat.

It’s all about the context, isn’t it? I think I would love the blue goo if we were slathering it on my protruding pregnant belly to have a look at my baby(ies).

Well, if I ever get there . . . I may reconsider my hatred of the blue goo, but for now I am standing my ground. When I push past the silly annoyances I know the real issue is that I am dreading another round of treatments that may end up like all the others. That is what I am really hating . . . the single blue line, the negative Beta HCG . . . the emptiness. The unfairness of it all . . . the never ending (so it seems now) limbo.

Just once I want to go through all of this and exit the ride holding the brass ring. (I feel guilty even saying that . . . like wanting it for me, somehow steals someone else’s prize.) Surely there are enough to go around?

Today’s Fortune cookie wisdom: First think of what you WANT to do; then do what you HAVE to do.

I want a baby; I will do whatever it takes to be a mother.


4 Responses to “First think of what you WANT to do; then do what you HAVE to do”

  1. Leggy Says:

    No one WANTS to do IVF, but when its all you’ve got, you deal. I’m glad you have a healthy attitude about it.

    Try wearing a pad on blue goo days. That will help somewhat with the mess.

  2. PortLairge Says:

    If it wasn’t the blue goo, it would be something else, like the nurse, ha ha. It’s better to place your wrath on the goo then the person holding the dildo cam.

  3. Lori Says:

    I’ve yet to have my first encounter with the blue goo but now I’m fully prepared to stand my ground and insist on an appropriate amount. Dignity is all to rare with this crap.
    But you’re right – when it’s what you have to do, you do it the best you can.

  4. Liz Says:

    Fortunately they don’t use too much blue goo at my clinic but it always makes me feel messy afterwards.

    Accepting IVF is your only option is hard but we are determined to have our dream and will do anything.

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