Ultrasound #2, Day 4 of Stimms

Me and my lucky socks took a quick trip to see our favorite ultrasound tech this morning. E. was in a good mood and generous with the blue goo as always. My stats: EL-8, Right side 1@ 11×8 and “a lot” of smaller ones Left side 1@ 13×9 and a bunch more smaller ones. E. said “Looks like you’re off to a good start.” I’ll take that. Thanks. E2 pending . . .

Does anyone know if this is really good or was E. just being nice?

One bad bit: my blood pressure is 130/92. Not great. Not great at all. I really debated on confessing this to my IVF team. I was a bit paranoid they’d cancel my cycle or something. Dr. P is to call me back later to tell me whether he wants to treat it or ignore it. Nurse M. said they will most likely do nothing. If I get pregnant they will punt the problem to the neonatal guy and if I am not pregnant they will punt me to my family physician. Sounds like a plan, I guess. ??

The reason I even checked the B/P was because of the whopper headache I developed on Lupron. The headache combined with feeling whacky on the BCP’s convinced me that I was going to be one of the statistical women over 35 who had a stroke while taking the pill. I checked my B/P several times and it was high each time. My parents are both hypertensive, so I’m not really that surprised. I am also now about 30 pounds overweight since starting on this infertility adventure. That can’t help either. My third wedding anniversary is in less than four weeks and already I can’t fit into my wedding dress. (Not that I was planning to wear it anytime soon). Just the thought of it is depressing.

Over all I feel pretty OK today. I actually had a burst of happiness after reading this post. I was further encouraged by my “off to a good start” prognosis at the RE’s. My sad mood persists though . . . kind of just hovering there threatening to swoop in and make me cry.

The sad mood is not being helped by my lack of sleep. Saturday night (first night of stimms, if that’s even related) I had really f*cked up dreams. Wanna hear one? I dreamt that C.’s ex-wife** showed up very pregnant (not his) and invited him to her baby shower and he felt he had to go to be polite. Needless to say, I was not invited. I will give you some background on her so you understand just how ridiculous this dream is (to follow). Anyway, I had a series of equally ridiculous and upsetting dreams, that one was the one I woke up to, so I still remember it in detail. I’ve had an aversion to sleep the last two nights, for fear of more crappy dreams which leave me more tired than when I went to bed.

**The ex-wife background: she was a highschool girlfriend who pressured C. to get married because all her friends were getting married. It was never that happy, no kids, lasted less than four years, some of which was spent apart when on and off he moved home or she left for spells.When it finally ended they never spoke or saw each other again. She moved to another state, far, far away. She didn’t want kids. So, all in all, the idea of her showing up pregnant at our home decades later is completely absurd. Yet somehow my brain cooks this crazy dream up. What the????

So, I digress, yet again!

I am still feeling sh*tty about yesterday’s post and have decided to revise it (again!) Thank you to those who commented yesterday. The support means a lot. I have kind of rehashed it one more time in my whirling dervish brain. It boils down to my regret. I regret that infertility has changed me to the point that I can’t see things from her hyperfertile point of view. I regret opening up as much as I did to someone who just doesn’t get it. I also regret that my best friend has turned into one of those smug mommies that feels she is more woman because of her motherhood. (We all know some of these women. They act like childless women don’t get it. Sadly they never stop to ask themselves why the childless woman might be childless.) I know she (best friend) means well, she tries to understand. I believe she is a true friend because her heart is in the right place. But she truly does not get it.

She is tied for first place with my mom for giving assvice and making well meaning comments that hurt like hell. So, I am closing the door on my flow of info to her on the topic of project baby. Still I don’t want to lose that friendship and I am afraid it is slowly choking.

Is there a blog etiquette guide somewhere?? Is it totally uncouth to revise a post after people have commented? I need to get up to speed on this stuff. I also need to figure out how to post links and interesting stuff. So far I am lucky if I get a post up on my own blog and read maybe a half dozen others per day, sometimes a full dozen if work is slow. IVF feels like a part time job. (Except I pay them!)

Blogging is really an amazing phenomenon to me. I cannot express how lucky I feel to have found all these amazing women out here in Webland.

Infertility is so damn lonely. Even when you have a good “real life” support system of friends and family, chances are they just don’t “get it.” And if you live in a new or far away place or lack a support system for any other reason . . . then it is really, really extra lonely. Sometimes I even count my husband among those who don’t get it. It’s just different for the men. But I will say C. has come a very long way. Much of that I have our (social worker/therapist/specializing in ART assessments/infertility counselor) to thank. There were days I left that office crying harder or feeling worse than when I went in. But looking back, it has done our marriage a world of good and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process. That may just be the silver lining to our infertility. I am hoping that a baby is the gold lining. And, if it’s not too greedy, I’ll go for broke and say that twins would be the platinum lining to beat all other linings!

So between lacking restful sleep, the insanity of slowly rising hormone levels, and best friends who decide to drop bombshells of bad news at the worst possible time . . . I am not at my best. But, I do think I am doing pretty damn well all things considered!

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it . . . (until the next guilt trip sends me into revision mode!)


4 Responses to “Ultrasound #2, Day 4 of Stimms”

  1. Lindy Says:

    Largest follicles at 9.5 and 11 on day four sounds just about perfect to me. I was told they’d like to see them around 10 on day 5 (I think I’m remembering right) so that sounds good. Next time, you might ask for a count, because even this early that should give you a very rough sense for how many you might be able to retrieve.

    This is such a rough process, Beagle, and you really are handling it incredibly well.

    I’ll be sending you low BP vibes!

  2. mm Says:

    Your count sounds perfect. Good luck!

  3. Liz Says:

    Good follie count! Things are looking good.

  4. Leggy Says:

    I feel similarly about having connected to the Internet- it is really hard to connect in real life to anyone who gets it. There were some long lonely years before I connected with the Internet IF world.

    Now for some friendly assvice- if this friendship is worth it to you (which it sounds like it is given that you recognize that her heart is in the right place), would some education re: things not to say to an infertile, help at all? Not sure if she’d take it in the spirit intended or if you feel up to constantly having to educate her on the do’s & don’ts of being an IFers friend, but just wanted to through that out.

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