Reality Check

IVF #1, Cycle day 13, 11th day of stimms.
Patience waning. Fast.
(I didn’t have much patience to start with though.)

I have no idea what to think. So I will tell you what I feel instead. I feel deflated. I feel depressed. I feel tired. I’m trying to decide whether the fatigue, stress and dreary weather are the cause or whether I really have reason to feel so discouraged about this.

Today’s U/S left me more puzzled than anything because I’m not really sure what it all adds up to. I now have between 17-20 follies on the “bothering to measure them” list. But . . . before you get too excited for me this is not as good as it sounds. Several are lagging in the 12-14mm range, the majority are in the 15-17mm range and then there are these few scary whoppers at 23-25 range. It’s the last batch I’m most worried about, and of course the size spread in general seems “bad” to me. I do not think we will have 12 mature eggs for ER. Maybe 8 if I’m really, really lucky. More likely 6.

My other obsessive worries of the day are: they are still hemming and hawing (are those words?) about when my trigger might be and I, of course, am beginning to wonder if we will even get to trigger! Next in line for the worry lineup is the EL: it was generous 11, then 10, then 9 and now 8! This is not really how the progression is supposed to work. It was 8.7mm to be exact and E. said anything over 9 is fine and we round up. So is it just me, or is 8.7 not really “over 9”?? Picky, Picky, I know!

Discouraged, I asked E., the U/S tech if this was still looking like at least an OK cycle, and she said yes. (Not very enthusiastically either by the way). She did not correct my OK and upgrade it to good or great. They had been telling me great. Am I reading too much into this omission of excited remarks from the staff?

At any rate I’ve had it with this IVF business. I know I am a wimp. My best guess as to what all this translates to is this: Today’s E2 level (yet to be determined) will decide for us whether trigger is tonight or tomorrow and then it’s anyone’s guess how many eggs we get and/or what happens from there.

Keep in mind that all this obsessing is just about the egg end of the deal. Sadly, the egg factor is not even our known problem area, and I have not even begun fretting about the sperm yet: their lack of proper morphology and those pesky antibodies (his) attacking the sperm we have left to work with.

One thing (one very sobering thing) I have learned from reading other IF’ers blogs is that this numbers game really means very little in the end. Someone may get a large number of eggs at ER and have nothing viable left for ET and someone else may get a bare minimum at ER and it’s touch and go all the way to ET whether their embryos are “good” and they end up with the take home live baby. So . . . it’s not over until the fat lady sings. I guess I better pass on watching American Idol for the next three weeks then!

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5 Responses to “Reality Check”

  1. mm Says:

    Ugh!! This process really sucks ass, right? I was a basket case for much of my last cycle. My fingers are crossed that you’ll get to trigger tonight. Either way, you’re in the home stretch. Hang in there and good luck!

  2. Just another Jenny Says:

    I just found your blog. I’m a fellow blog/IVF newbie. I am sorry that you feel down today. It is no wonder why they call IVF a rollercoaster.
    I’m sending good thoughts your way and hoping it’s trigger time soon.

  3. N Says:

    Sending good thoughts too and keeping my fingers crossed. You were over at my blog to say hi and now I am here to do the same. Wishing you of course all the luck in the world for this cycle to go good…GREAT in fact.

    Saw the pics of you 2 cute cats (I just assume that they are yours). Have one myself, sadly I had to find a new home for my other as the older cat didn’t like the younger one 😦 sad story that was…

    Anyways good luck again and hey soon we can open a newbie section in blogland 🙂

    Take care!

    N

  4. Liz Says:

    I know how stressful this process is. The waiting and trying to figure out when things will happen and predict the outcome is very frustrating. It looks like you have lots of follies at a good size and don’t forget when you trigger it gives them a growth spurt. I know it’s hard not to get discouraged but try to take it one day a time as it is very overwhelming. I’m here for you.

  5. Kristi Says:

    I found you via Pamplemousse, and I wanted to stop in and wish you good luck! As one who finished her first IVF cycle in December, I can tell you that the part you’re going through now is very hard. I only had 3 mature follies (over 17mm) at trigger, but they were able to retrieve 15 eggs. It IS a rollercoaster, you are 100% correct there. And the emotions you’ll go through will take you all over the map. But keep your eye on the prize, and trust your doctors. I’ll be thinking about you!

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