But it looked so good . . .

Have you ever dropped a carton of eggs while putting away your groceries? That is the visual I’m getting right now, for my first IVF cycle. My beautiful dozen eggs is smashed and my hopes smashed with it. I am left with a few lucky survivors. Please God, may they truly be survivors.

First we had 12 contenders then 17, then 8 and now . . . 4. Four?? Four!!! There are still lots of follicles, technically. It’s just that 2 are overcooked at 25-27mm. Most are undercooked, still hanging out (or shrinking even, is that possible?) at 12-13 mm. I have 4 that are “ready” to trigger. We will trigger tonight. Well, that is jumping the gun to say even that much. I am still awaiting my E2 and the “Official Word” but they did not have me make an appointment for tomorrow.

Dr. Substitute did my scan today. She was very nice about it all. She said Dr. P will go after all of them at retrieval but that the “too bigs” and “too smalls” probably won’t be viable. Maybe one or two “too smalls” may catch up, maybe. When I voiced my dismay she said she understood how I must be disappointed but that it was definitely still worth doing the retrieval anyway. Still? Anyway? Why do words like that not reassure me??

Sigh.

I am depressed. I am so very tired. I hope I don’t sound like a drama queen here but this feels like such a rip off. To go through all this and end up with four?? I don’t have PCOS, I don’t have high FSH. What the hell is up with these ovaries then? We are supposed to be doing IVF for MF and now my body pulls this stunt. It all looked so good . . .

I will add an update later when I get the “Official Word” on trigger, ER, etc. Right this minute I feel like saying: Why even bother? Let’s just do an IUI and go home.

Sorry to be such a whiner. I want to cry but I can’t. I am at work. Pretending to work. Pretending I’m fine.

Today’s Fortune Cookie: You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.

Great . . . now I can look forward to a death in the family too? Nice.

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4 Responses to “But it looked so good . . .”

  1. Leggy Says:

    Crap- I’m sorry. I hope that some of your smaller follies catch up. Ugh, its all so frustrating, isn’t it?

  2. Lindy Says:

    Oh F*ck. Beagle, I just don’t know what to say. I do think there’s still a chance that some of the smaller ones will catch up. And you’re definitely still in the game with four. But still. Crap.

    I would guess that the big ones kept are keeping the smaller ones from catching up, maybe?

    Not that that’s any consolation.

    I’m just so sorry. But still, I’m excited for the possibilities. And four are absolutely worth retrieving.

    Thinking about you and hoping for a nice big suprise on Friday.

  3. thalia Says:

    This must be so frustrating. Do you know why they made you wait so long to trigger?

    But four are definitely worth retrieving, and it may be that they get more than you expect. Sorry it’s been such a stressful stim for you.

  4. Just another Jenny Says:

    Wow – this post really hit home. I am so sorry this isn’t going as well as you had hoped. We are MF too and I have found out by reading blogs like yours and others that it doesn’t matter if there are no problems with female – there’s still alot of work to get those eggs out before you even try to fertalize them.
    Thank god the cycle isn’t lost – it’s not over till it’s over (and let’s hope it ends well).

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