P3 = 35.99

I have to say the .99 part really did it for me. I was not worried about the P3 . . . the nurse that took yet another vial of my blood this morning (the vampires!) said she has never seen one come back low on an IVF cycle. Well, no surprise there since it’s being shot into my butt every morning and stuck up my well . . .you know . . .every evening. Hard to imagine my body lacking progesterone right now.

I put in for my vacation week today. My boss/father was all excited an wanted to know where in the Caribbean we were going to scuba dive. Ummmm . . . Nowhere. We are probably taking day trips in the area.

Wow! Did that get a puzzled look. I am not a day tripping vacation kind of girl. Even when I was dead broke, young, single and foolish, I would at least put a 4 day cruise to Mexico on my Visa and suffer the consequences later rather than to stay home for a vacation. My poor Pop. He did not know what to say. He asked whether we didn’t like diving anymore. No, we love diving. (More puzzled looks.) I was bracing myself for him to offer a loan or something. But he knows what I earn. He must think we are crack heads or gamblers if we’re too broke to go somewhere. (We are not rich . . . but minus IF expenses we should be able to at least get to the Bahamas!)

Poor Dad. I wish I could tell him. I think about it. He would find the whole microscopic scientific part of it utterly amazing. But the MF, sperm and gyn related stuff would be way too weird for poor old dad. Also my Mom is unable to deal with this. I have actually told her minimal bits in the very beginning and she doesn’t get it. Not in a mean way, just in a “but I got pregnant with you without even wanting, errr . . . trying to”. She also offered me my first official assvice of the “take a vacation and get pregnant” variety. She means to be encouraging and supportive but somehow most things she comes up with make me want to cry. So I stopped mentioning it. She stopped asking. So I can’t tell Dad and not Mom, and frankly I’m not sure he won’t give some stupid assvice too.

Anyway, there have been several posts about being in or out of the infertility closet, and it’s got me thinking. I started off so very in. When I decided to be more open I told the two most likely people who also turned out (in my case) to be the very worst choices: my Mom and one of my best friends (the one that promptly got pg and turned smug). So, not surprisingly, I quickly regretted being out. So I ran back into the closet and slammed the door shut. I’m a bit sad about that. Maybe not so much the in or out part but the realization that my support system is pretty wobbly. For various reasons (that I will leave for some other post) I moved. A lot. A real lot. So while I do have pretty many friends, (I’m likeable enough) . . . I do not have many of the “known them all my life” variety of friend at least not any who live anywhere near me. Those that do live near me are still fairly new relationships so I don’t want to scare them off talking about SA’s and CM and dildo cams! To complicate matters I am an only child so no sister to confide in. I am very lucky to have one fairly new friend who is above and beyond great and happens to be a nurse practitioner so she is not easily scared off by gory stuff. My IF saga cannot compare to her 10+ years in the trauma ER! (Note this time ER = emergency room rather than egg retrieval! ha ha)

Hmmmm . . . I really ramble don’t I? Well, I guess that’s not new. I am happy to admit that my blog is more like a soap opera than like the high quality programming on PBS! I am a low brow blogger! Yikes!

So . . . what the hell am I trying to say here . . . Well basically I wish I had the kind of family that I could tell this IF stuff to and have them be OK and helpful and nice. But it’s OK that I don’t. It’s just that it would be nice. I wish infertility weren’t so damn lonely and so damned taboo! I wish I could call someone and say . . . hey . . . guess what? I have three embryos trying to take hold. Isn’t that exciting? (Can you imagine the looks I’d get??)

Oddly this support system mourning thing ties in a bit to my (rather premature) twin/triplet fantasies. I guess a support system would come in handy with any new baby but multiples are a handful. My SIL just told me about a woman in her mom’s club group with quads. Two sets of identicals. IVF, but she also had parents that were both twins themselves. She is doing IVF again. What?? Not to judge . . . but four is plenty . . . leave some for the rest of us!

I digress . . . again. Sigh. I guess I am taking stock of my life, again. I guess it can always be bigger and better than it is. But it’s not bad either. I have a good husband. The kind that knows how to do wash (even if he puts white towels in with my black jeans). He’s not afraid to vacuum either, which is nice because I am! He is great with our nieces and nephews. (Sadly their parents will not be part of the support system either . . . the nice SIL is out of state, the SIL that lives here redefines selfish.) I know I am counting my chicks before they hatch and all that. I am having (a small amount) of self doubt about whether I am equipped for this if I am so lucky enough that it finally happens. I think I am. It’s just that I don’t have much to fall back on if I am wrong!

So once again I find myself really grateful that I have this, right here . . . . this screen, this keyboard, this venue . . . my link to all of you: Women who get it. Women who I would not even know if I passed them on the street (except the few brave ones with photos!) Women who, right now, understand me more than my own family when it comes to the most important thing in my life: my high tech baby quest and all the anxieties that go with it.

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2 Responses to “P3 = 35.99”

  1. Lori Says:

    The low brow blogger thing made me laugh. That’s how I feel about my own when everyone writes so beautifully.
    As for family support. I’ve been out of the closet with them but mostly it’s led to frustration. It’s been hard to pull back but since it’s even harder to deal with the disappointing support – not much of a choice. It is hard to come to grips with the fact that women you don’t “know” are a better source of support than your family.

  2. daysgoby Says:

    Thinking of you, your hubby and the three wee bits..

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