8dp5dt . . . Waiting speeds the aging process

I want to say, again, thank you for all your support. Truly.

I posted in yesterdsay’s comment section about my plan for dealing with tomorrow. I took the day off to spend it with a friend. I did not think I could manage a day at work waiting for the phone call, even if I think I know what the result of that phone call will be in advance. So instead, tomorrow I am meeting with a friend for lunch and an art museum excursion. She is a fellow ceramic artist. (I make pottery, she makes tiles.) She also has a degree in psychology (though she does not work in that field) so she is not prone to dishing out assvice or platitudes. Thankfully I have a select few “in person” friends who “get it,” (as well as they can anyway, and that is all I ask).

I did test again this morning. (Now really, you did not think I would suddenly become sensible at this juncture?) Well, guess what . . . still only one line. So tomorrow is my last chance . . . then it’s time to move on and rally the troops for another try. We will do this again if needed. The thought if waiting until May already kills me. For some reason the fact that I will be 38 by then really has me bothered. Logic tells me that my body, my eggs, our chances, will be no different in May than they are right now, but it’s the symbolism of yet another year passing that seems so sad. I think my statistical chances even stay the same, but I’ve forgotten where they draw the lines for old, older, oldest.

I get really irritated about the maternal age thing. Not because I am in denial that without C.’s MF issues, I would still have more trouble than a 27 year old getting pregnant. I am fully aware of that. Truly. But what is equally true is that if I were to magically be 27 again, it would not increase our chances (naturally) given C.’s MF issues. Now combined, my age and his MF make our overall IVF chances lower than ideal, but in the end the focus at every appointment seems to be on my advanced maternal age. This pisses me off! I get it: I’m no spring chick! But give me a break . . . we don’t have functional sperm to work with here unless we force them into my aging eggs with . . . ummm . . . microsurgery . . . cutely known as ICSI . . . so could we at least give that equal mention?? Huh . . . huh . . . just maybe?? I mean I get to suffer, strike that . . . endure 100% of the treatment, so would it be OK to at least assign 50% of the cause for that treatment where it belongs?

Please understand, (and C., if you ever figure out what blogging is and that your wife “does it” . . . I love you absolutely and truly!) I am not asking for them to start “blaming” my husband . . . I just want them to lay off of me. I have enough shit to deal with, without being reminded at every fucking turn that I am aging. No kidding . . . thank you world for stating the obvious!

I did not delay childbearing by choice, I just did what I thought was right for myself and my (assumed) future child. I waited until I had a partner who would make a truly great parent and husband. I waited until I was married. I waited until the child would be born into a financially secure situation. I waited for all the “right” reasons. And in all fairness . . . the same medical establishment that is now telling me that I am a bad age based statistic was then telling my generation of women that it was OK to wait. Just ten years ago they told us this lie . . . when we were oh . . . about 27.

Being forewarned may or may not have changed the course of my life. I don’t think I would have married Mr. Right-now instead of Mr. Right, but can’t they at least see that they perpetuated the myth that having children into your early 40’s would be a piece of cake? Can’t they cut us unfortunate oldies but goodies a break?? How about an IVF discount for senior ttc’ers? Instead they deny us the few financial breaks that exist like “shared risk” programs. How are they sharing any risk at all if they only allow perfect and young patients to share said risk?? I would consider donating a few spare eggs or embryos in exchange for free IVF, but they don’t want my eggs. If I were younger, I’d consider moving to a state that mandates coverage, but that would waste more time which . . . you guessed it . . . I don’t have to spare. Well, . . . you get the picture.

OK . . . I think I am done now. I hope no one minded that rant. But it’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to! It made me feel better so that makes it OK, right??

I did have a good cry on my lunch break today. I needed to let some of the sadness out. I tend to bottle it up and then it’s ugly when I finally just can’t hold it in anymore. Better to let small, manageable portions of grief out at a time.

I am grieving somewhat prematurely for this particular cycle, I do realize that. But I think the reason, in part, is that I am still grieving a bigger loss: the reality of facing infertility in the first place.

I really have to admire people who fully and wholly embrace childfree living after all this. (And really mean it.) I cannot imagine getting there. I worry that I would be so bitter deep down inside. Forever. That scares me most of all: What if this never works . . . what if we use up all three of our “tries” at IVF and still no baby. What if I/we have to change my/our whole idea of life around to make it work without a child or children at the center of it.

What if . . . my “question of the day”. What is your biggest “what if”?


8 Responses to “8dp5dt . . . Waiting speeds the aging process”

  1. EJW Says:

    “I waited until I had a partner who would make a truly great parent and husband. I waited until I was married. I waited until the child would be born into a financially secure situation. I waited for all the “right” reasons. “

    This is my hardest part about IF. We know so many stupid people that have no problem getting pregnant and having kids, yet they have no money or are in terrible relationships or have less maturity and ability to be a parent than my cat or all of the above. Why can’t the universe recognize that we are happy and mature and loving and financially stable and willing to be parents? It’s the ultimate irony.

    I’m so sorry this didn’t work for you. I wish there was some way for the power of the internet’s good wishes to be taken into consideration. I hope tomorrow is not a terrible day.

  2. Lindy Says:

    Rant away, baby! And cry when you need to. We all understand the need to begin grieving prematurely too. I’m still hoping that you’ll be one of those wonderful IVF urban legends… the negative hpt followed by positive beta. But I know it doesn’t look good. We’re all going to be here cheering you on either way. I know you can do this again if you have to, but I do so hope that you don’t.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Oh Beagle,
    I am praying for you! I’m on the IVF boards with you.I too just had a neg beta after a 5dt. I’ve been thinking about you and feeling like it would work for you. It’s very difficult to realize that so much effort/time/money was put into something that didn’t work. However, maybe they will be able to modify your next cycle to work better. I too am having a birthday this month, so I’ll be a year older for my next cycle. I hate that!! Treat yourself to a hot fudge sundae, glass of wine or a manicure. I’m still hoping and praying for you! Good luck!!

  4. Lori Says:

    I’m so sorry about the hpt results. I too am hoping for an urban legend ending.
    I don’t blame you for wanting the doctors to lay off on your age issues. Seems a little excessive and counterproductive if you ask me.
    I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping for the best.

  5. PortLairge Says:

    Your doctors going on about your age seems a little stupid given that you have normal lab results. I am a little older than you- I just turned 38 last month and when I try and push my agenda to my RE to try and hurry things along, he reminds me that in the big scheme of what he does, I am relatively young with good lab results. I am still hoping that tomorrow brings good news but if it doesn’t I think a heart to heart with your doctor is in order. It’s like he’s trying to place blame on you before anything bad even happens, just in case and then if it does work, he’ll be a miracle worker. Bullshit- we are the average age of IVF patients.
    Thinking of you.

  6. Winnifred Says:

    my personal biggest “what if…” is “what if i keep wasting my life away focusing ONLY on this??” it’s been months since i’ve wanted to actually “be” with people other than close friends in a small setting… it’s not “normal behavior” and i know that this isn’t a normal time for us….. but it’s one of those things that always makes me wonder “what if i grow into this person who’s not so happy?? what if i’m always in a bad mood?? what if i get used to saying “no” instead of being my normal self – the first to say YES! the first to help out anybody in need? what if i get used to hiding?? what if THIS becomes ME???”

    that aside – i’m so sending you happy thoughts – hoping for good news for you – and if not, hoping for at the very least a cycle that is positive in the near future… I keep thinking that IF this doesn’t work it too will also have another birthday – but i’ll only be 27… and i KNOW that’s crazy young – but STILL it bugs me for some reason… only because I have NO IDEA – NO CONTROL over when this might work for us… anyways – i know – this is NOTHING compared to being told that you’re old – i know…


  7. Thalia Says:

    I did the same as you, I wanted to raise children with the right man, so I waited for him. And most of me is glad I waited, but just sometimes I wish I’d got my act together earlier, even through my endo would probably have caused problems at any age.

    I’m sorry this cycle looks like a bust, that is really really hard. Hoping that your day today is not awful.

  8. Just another Jenny Says:

    Good Rant! You have ever right to be upset. Anybody we tell about IF automatically assumes it’s me because hubbie has 3 kids. Uh, no – were vas-reversal so Mr. Fertile isn’t so fertile anymore.

    I think it is really smart of you to look towards the next cycle. It will help you move on from this one if it doesn’t work out.

    I am really hoping you get some surprising good news today but if not, it sounds like you picked the perfect friend to spend the day with.
    Be good to yourself and buy another toblerone if you need it.

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