The calm before the storm

I knew yesterday was not real. Well, it was real enough I guess. But it is not like me to be all calm and together in the face of really shitty stuff, not on the inside anyway. On the outside I have built a pretty convincing facade. But yesterday I even fooled myself into thinking I was OK.

This morning I woke up and I knew it was going to be a bad day. When I turned to C. for some comfort he was an ass. He can get like that. He doesn’t know how to deal with emotions, he doesn’t want to deal with emotions, and so he has this really aggravating way of just avoiding anything to do with emotions. He pretends he has none and that mine are all over the top. He puts bad feelings in a “box” to quote him and then gets on with things. Well let me tell you, I do not take well to begin in a box. This approach *might* work for him when it comes to deaths in the family, or his first wife that walked out. It *might* work because those people are gone. They’re not banging on the inside of the box asking to be let out. But this wife is right here. I can’t be in a box and live a life with him at the same time. But he handles it the same way as he does the other boxed folks. He shuts me out. And when that gets bad enough, it just makes me want be the second wife to leave. Then he can put me in his f*cking box. And I am afraid that it may come to that one day if he keeps slamming the lid down on me and my emotions.

So don’t give me too much credit for my togetherness. I am good at forcing a smile on. It’s how I was raised. You don’t cry. Period. (Or I’ll give you something to cry about). I still can’t cry when I need to until it builds up so much that I am, all of a sudden, a complete uncontrollable sobbing mess. I’ve learned (a little bit) to let the tears out in smaller doses but I have to be alone: like in my car or in the shower, or maybe the office bathroom with the water running. But it did not work this time. I still crashed. And it hurts so bad to crash.

Right now the pain is just so intense. I hate that I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to soothe myself. I can’t call anyone either. My “loving” husband is not answering his cell phone in the spirit of shutting me out. C. knows how to plunk down $40 for roses or heat up a can of soup when I’m sick, but don’t ask him to say something soothing or just hold me while I sob. My parents love me, I know they do, but they are not equipped for this. They have not comforted me once in my 37 years on earth, I doubt that today would be a good day to ask them to try again. They provided for me, they kept me safe, they put bandaids on my physical scrapes but they’ve never known what to do with emotions either. (Funny, huh, I would marry exactly that!) Most of my friends are unsure what you say to someone in this situation. I am someone who is in this situation and don’t really know what to say when one of you internets suffers another loss.

This is so fucking hard. That is all there is to say. Whoever put this little slide show thing together captured the pain of infertility pretty well, in a pretty way. I’m sure everyone has seen it before. I think I would have made it much more graphic like maybe hearts being sledge hammered to a pulp with screeching rock music as a back drop. Nonetheless, this version is nice too. I feel like sending it to my parents and my assvice fertile friends. But I don’t think it will help them “get it” anymore than anything I’ve already said. It is beyond what they can or want to understand. And when you get right down to it, if they could “get it” I would still be sitting here with nothing to show for my 2 months of injections, poking, prodding, my lost hope, my wasted money and so on. I may want them to get it, it would be nice, but what I really want is a baby.

Empty Arms


18 Responses to “The calm before the storm”

  1. Pamplemousse Says:

    I am so sorry, Beagle. I have learnt that the emotions have to come out somehow, somewhere and that they will not stay buttoned up.

    Take care of you and be kind to your mister. He will be hurting just as bad too and will not know how to help you in any tangible way. You are not alone in this.

  2. EJW Says:

    That video was excellent, although I agree that it missed out on the anger. Maybe the people who made it are better adjusted than me, but a lot of my reaction to IF is angry.

    I’m sorry C. is being an ass. I wish we could all come over to your house and feed you chocolate and wine and let you cry as much as you need.

  3. Claudia Says:

    So, so sorry, Beagle. A failed cycle is such a disappointment. Please take good care of yourself right now, and mourn this loss as best you can.

    Sorry about C. I’ve had plenty of experience with a less than supportive husband, and it definitely makes an already unpleasant situation tougher. My hope for you is that you’ll be able to find a way to connect with C. that works for the both of you.

    Hang in there, your internets are thinking of you.

  4. PortLairge Says:

    I am so so sorry Beagle. Take good care of yourself and remember that C is hurting too, he just deals with it in a certain way. You WILL come together to grieve this loss, just remember that everyone deals with this in his/her own way. Take care of yourself. You are in our thoughts.

  5. Lori Says:

    I’m so sorry. I hope you and C are able to be get to a place where you can be supportive for each other and you process the emotional aftermath of the failed cycle. I’m sorry he’s got a “box” method of coping. It’s so frustrating to deal with (I think J has a box too).

  6. Donna Says:

    There’s really nothing I can say, I think that’s really what we all need to come to grips with, in the end we do have to find some way to deal with this on our own, in our own way. With your emotions so raw and powerful it is difficult to find compassion for yourself or your husband, just realize you have the right to whatever you are feeling and don’t judge yourself (or him) too harshly. Thinking of you.

  7. Liz Says:

    Oh Beagle, I’m so sorry. I know the pain of a failed cycle. I know C’s reaction isn’t the best but he’s also in pain. I hope you are able to talk about your pain and loss and will find the strength to go on. We’re here for you.

  8. Just another Jenny Says:

    Everytime I watch that video I cry. I wish there were people that were more supportive of you.

    One thing my councellor told me is that we tend to get upset with people for not reacting the same way we do. You react with tears (rightfully so) and your husband reacts by withdrawing. You both have different coping mechanisms which can be frustrating at a time like this.

    We are hear for you.

  9. LB Says:

    I am so sorry you are hurting. I think C doesn’t mean any harm, just that he’s doing the best he can with what coping mechanisms he has. I have a suggestion, and granted, I don’t know them, but you might want to consider telling your parents. I thought the same thing about my parents, with regards for them not being equipped to handle such a complex situation. They completely surprised me. I think that at least a portion of your angst may be coming from the fact that you haven’t been able to share this with some of the people who love you most. I’ve had similar situations…. It felt all wrong and almost completely unbearable, but when I confided in them, everything seemed much more in line. You are, after all, their little girl. Regardless of the type of relationship you may have with them, I think you will be pleasantly surprised if you open up to them. Just 2 cents worth. We’re all here for you.

  10. Leggy Says:

    I’m sorry Beagle- it just sucks so much.

    As for ways to let your emotions out. My father was always very guarded with his emotions and he had a very hard time after my brother died (as anyone would, but compounded by his inability to “let it out.”) But he always was a sap for sad movies, and he’d cry when he watched a sad movie. So his support group told him to go rent a bunch of sad movies- Beaches, Love Story, etc. It may sound counter-intuitive (why would you want to make yourself sadder than you are), but he found it helpful to let his emotions out by dealing with someone else’s drama rather than his own.

    So that’s my assvice for the day- sorry its so rough right now.

  11. JEN Says:

    You are a great writer and you are really great at expressing yourself. I am really about 2 days ahead of you in this shit. It’s totally crappy that you just put in so much time/effort/and hope for something that seems to have left you with nothing. I actually just realized I’ve been doing this since I was 28, I turn 35 next week. IVF has worked for me 1 time and not the other, plus a slew of other bfn cycles… Anyway, I wish I could come over and we could get really drunk and scream about this. My dh and I are not speaking today, because of the pms and him also not knowing what to say to me. I’m sorry for your pain, but don’t give up, believe, and best of all in a year from now envision yourself holding your new little one. Positive attitudes will help, even if it seems impossible to do. (((hugs))) for you!!
    ps.. I’ve decided to start my own blog because I’ve enjoyed yours so much

  12. JEN Says:

    I’m sorry this sucks so bad! I wish I could take away some of your pain. As someone who just got a bfn on Wed, from my failed 5 dt. I really truly understand how bad this is! It’s frustrating and sad, very very sad. But believe that you are meant to be a mom and don’t give up till you are! IF is heart wrenching and rips your spirits, but when it works, it will be worth it. I’m sorry, go ahead and cry if you want. Your in my thoughts.

  13. JEN Says:

    me again…
    sorry for the double post, I’m new to this and didn’t see that my first post worked. I thought the computer ate it.

  14. N Says:

    Me too, I am so so sorry! Me and my Better Half seem have different coping mechanisms in place as well, at least when it comes to IF, and it freaking hurts sometimes, that he cannot show that he hurts as much as I do. Amanda (Manana Banana) wrote a great post on this once, it really made me think and whenever I feel so fucking alone in this shit, I re-visit her post to get “perspective” on that I am in fact not alone, just dealing with it in a different way. Here you can read her post:

    I really hope you get better soon. Take good care of yourself!


  15. N Says:

    Don’t know if you can copy the link in my comment below, but Amanda wrote the post on January10, 2006!

    Lots of hugs from the other side of the world 🙂


  16. Paola Says:

    Oh Beagle I am so incredibly sorry!

    I can totally hear you on being the strong one, but needing desperately to have a shoulder to cry on. I know how bad this must be hurting, I just wish I had some magical word to say to ease you pain.

    Just remember that we are all here for you, and that you have lots of friends, all over the world, that just “get it”

    I am sending you tons of hugs my friends

  17. thalia Says:

    Consider yourself hugged and stroked by all of us. I know it’s not even close to being an adequate substitute, but we do all know what it feels like and we are all there, sympathising with you.

  18. mm Says:

    Oh Beagle. I’m so, so sorry. My heart breaks for your right now bc I know how hard it is go through a failed cycle. I’m so glad you found Bloglandia so that we can be here for you right now. I’ve also found that talking to a therapist who specializes in IF to be tremendously helpful. That may be worth looking into if you feel up to it. Hang in there.

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