Love / Hate

(Long post: and mainly a boring, complaining, sort of post with a few interesting bits thrown in. Feel free to skim or skip!)

Today has been an odd day, mood-wise. Overall it’s been much better than the previous three days.

Though I should add here that yesterday ended pretty well. It was pretty sad overall and the evening was lonely because C. was stuck at work late. But when he came home at 8pm, he insisted on taking me out for a nice dinner (maybe because I was too paralyzed by moping to cook anything?) At any rate we had a nice dinner and a nice chat and exchanged cards and small gifts. So it was a pretty good anniversary in the end.

Back to today: I had a haircut in the morning. That helped in that I felt not quite so bedraggled. If you look better you feel better and all that.

Then I had an appointment with our counselor/therapist who specializes in infertility. It’s officially couples counseling but C. can’t come as often now that his hours have picked up at work. I go because it helps.

In the middle of that session, Dr. P called to check on how I was doing emotionally. I thought that was very nice since my follow-up “failed IVF” consult is not until March 17th. I told him I was having a counseling session and with whom (he recommended her) and so he offered to call me later. That leads me to the Love part of this post. He is a gem. Or at least I feel more like I am getting my money’s worth here when the doctor actually cares that you might be feeling shitty after a failed IVF. Sadly he did not call between 2 and 3 pm as promised, but he did have a crazy schedule today. He has yet to call but I know he will even if it is not until tomorrow. (Please Dr. P. do not make me regret singing your praises.)

It was also a bit of a stroke of luck that he called because I was kind of pissed at his newest nurse and hence his practice in general. (The Hate part of my post). I rarely dislike people. But when I do, look out . . . it is rare that I ever get around to changing my mind. This nurse has no warmth, no capacity for empathy. Her clinical skills aren’t impressing me either. This is the same nurse who needed the lights way up during my retrieval because she couldn’t see, the same nurse who dared scowl at me for doing an HPT the morning of my beta, the same nurse who had no sympathy that the HPT was negative and the same nurse who blamed my veins for the fact that she couldn’t strike red gold. (I could have done it better myself, left-handed). I have been having blood drawn quite regularly for more than two years and the only other person who had trouble was a nursing student spending the day at the RE’s who I agreed to let practice on me (not on a negative beta day obviously). Not to mention that when the nice nurse who rescued me from NN tried, she hit a vein with no problem in no time at all. So there NN!

NN is also the same nurse that I had the misfortune of getting on the phone when I called yesterday to make my consult appointment and ask for a few dates and details about the May IVF schedule so I can begin to arrange my life accordingly. I told her that it was cd1 (That is RE code for AF) and that I need to know for sure whether Dr. P wanted me to just be on BCP between now and May so that my cycle didn’t have a chance to screw me up with an annovulatory 56 day stretch or something equally annoying that would just have me panicking about missing the May deadlines for suppression etc. So Nurse Nasty just kept saying “well I can jot that down in your chart if you think that will help”. WTF??? Not really, I don’t guess that will help unless you imagine Dr. P is so bored that he just reads random charts for fun in his spare time? Luckily, I said something more diplomatic. I kept telling her that I need an Rx for the BCP. So I asked her if someone would get back to me and she made a noise that I hoped was assent. No one called yesterday.

I was still peeved and debating how to handle it without calling up and saying I’d like to talk to someone, anyone other than Nurse Nasty, when Dr. P. called. He says yes to BCP. Kind of depressing while ttc, but lets face it: The sperm did not penetrate the eggs when placed together in close proximity in a petri dish, so the likelihood of an urban legend “on a break from IVF” pregnancy is pretty slim for C. and I. So, I’d rather keep AF in line with the help of BCP. I know that B*tch would love to screw up my May IVF if I give her a chance (AF that is, not Nurse Nasty.) I keep hoping NN will quit. Is that mean? I also keep wondering if I should tell Dr. P. that he should have hired me instead. Too bad I’ll be pregnant this summer and that is bad in an RE’s office. I’d make a kick ass RE’s nurse. I am nice, even when it kills me. C. might disagree occasionally, but most of my past patients would confirm this for you. I promise.

Two more bits:

One, to clarify about my job. In one post I say I work for my parents then I say I am a nurse. Confusing? OK. I am a registered nurse. Once a nurse, always a nurse. I’m Canadian and landed here due to the job shortage in Canada (back in ’92 anyway) and the nurse shortage here in USA. So, compliments of the Free Trade aggreement I came to live in the USA. My parents had previously emmigrated for reasons of their own. (Canadian beer is cheaper in the USA per Dad.) I am currently managing my father’s business, selling German machinery. (Is this confusing yet?) It’s not my thing really but I felt the pull of family obligation and the lure of the freedom to do some other fun things like teach scuba diving, make pottery and do an occasional studio tour/craft show to sell the pottery. Oh yes, and it allows me to keep up with an Infertile’s schedules of appointments I now live and breathe.

I was an O.R. Nurse: Blood and Guts. My favorite. I loved that job but it does have a burn-out factor. So while I miss it in many ways, I enjoy having a life without beeper call. While it’s very exciting to rush into the hospital at 2 am for a nice gunshot wound, I prefer to sleep eight hours straight through these days. I also worked in P.A.C.U. (recovery room) which was fun too. I got a few marriage proposals from cute young men on morphine. Always good for the ego even if you know they’re drugged senseless.

Second bit: One big topic in my counseling sessions is how infertility gives me stress due to the lack of control over my own life. I have also stated that I hate my job (sorry Mom and Dad, but it’s boring.) So Ms. Counselor suggests I go back to nursing part time. Hmmmm . . . I HAVE thought of this. And I think I would like it but then the thought of adding interviewing and new job stress to my current load may or may not outweigh the benefits of increased job satisfaction. I will have to mull this one over a bit. I need change and I fear change. I’d rather just get pregnant and experience the job satisfaction of motherhood. (OK, quit laughing, those of you who are there already . . . I know Elmo is annoying and diapers smell bad . . . ) I’d rather fantasize for a while . . .

So, back to Love / Hate:

I love my husband. I love Dr. P (even though he has yet to make good on his promise to call me.) I love the idea of being too large for my summer clothes for a good reason this year (ie: being pregnant, finally!)

I hate AF. I hate failed cycles. I hate taking BCP when I want to get pregnant. I hate waiting. I hate Nurse Nasty.

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8 Responses to “Love / Hate”

  1. Lori Says:

    Is there still a nurse shortage? If so, maybe you wouldn’t be interviewing all that long. Or you could take the approach of “I don’t really need to do this, so I’m going to be choosy” That could take a bit of the pressure and stress off. I bet you would make a great RE nurse – something to think about. That and possible employee discounts! 😉
    I’m glad though there’s a little love in the day.

  2. JEN Says:

    Beagle,
    You should tell Dr. P about Nurse Nasty. It’s painful enough to be going to the RE w/o having a crappy nurse taking your blood and answering your calls! You are paying big bucks for this, you deserve to be treated with a smile.

  3. Lindy Says:

    Hmmm… a few things I’d like to mull over, but I’m inclined to agree with the counsellor that going back to nursing part time would be a good idea. And you should absolutely talk to Dr. P about NN.

  4. Just another Jenny Says:

    Extra stress from a career change could make it benifical to stay with your parents for now. It is nice to have the flexability they would offer. At the same time though, you have to do what makes you happy and not always plan around IF.
    What am I talking about, I am so screwed up in my own career I shouldn’t try to give anybody assvice!
    I am glad you had a good anniversary. It is good to hear that C and yourself are starting to heal.

  5. Leggy Says:

    I’m sorry you are going through so much. I would tattle-tale on NN- she deserves it.
    I hear you re: career. I left my job 2.5 years ago because I thought I would get PG. What I’m doing now is mostly okay but the working by myself and the lack of structure is bad when I’m feeling crappy or stressed (like after a m/c). Sometimes I feel like I should go get a “real job” but then I think the stress of having to show up at an office every day dressed up would be worse than the stress of managing my own schedule. Mostly I like what I do, but its isolating.

    Our job situations aren’t quite the same, but I do hear you re: the debate whether to stay or not. What about something like being a nurse reviewer for an insurance company? You’d get to use your medical training but you wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of on-call hours, etc.

  6. mm Says:

    NN is truly a cow. Could you mention this to Dr P or at least send the clinic an annonymous letter?? It is my firm belief that REs need to know when their staff sucks and it sounds like NN is not just a bitch, but an incompetant one, too.

  7. PortLairge Says:

    Beagle
    I am a nurse too and with the current shortages, interviewing does not even come into it. I can tell by your posts that you are a good nurse. You have empathy and you sound as if you could run the RE’s office. Nurse’s just know. An interview for you would be just a case of “when do you want to start?” Sign up Per Diem somewhere. You will only have to work one day a week to see if you like it and if you do sign up for more. With per diem you can keep your schedule flexible. You can change the days you’ve added if your IVF schedule changes. If your job is boring, making a change will help with life in general.

  8. thalia Says:

    What an interesting post. Thanks for sharing so much. I’m glad C came through with a lovely dinner – and so he should!

    I would write to Dr P to tell him about NN. I wrote a long letter to Dr Candour after our cancelled IUI talking about the various crappy experiences we’d had, and he took it very seriously, interviewed me about it, and talked to the guys in the clinic. Things were MUCH better for our IVF – they even changed the system for makign appointments which was one of my requests.

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