TCOYL is a play on the title of my first (in)fertility book. TCOYF – Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It’s actually a good book for learning more about your cycle, etc. Unfortunately, tracking temperatures and CM will not help anyone get pregnant if there are real fertility issues. So, looking back, the title is a bit ironic for our scenario. All my obsessive temperature taking did not achieve one thing towards the antisperm antibody problems that we did not even know we had back then. It did, however, get us to an RE sooner than we might have. I read the part about if you’re not pregnant in 6 months and are over 35, get a check up. Did it. Right Away! Also, I still wake up at 6:30 am without an alarm, though now I can snooze a few extra minutes without fumbling in the dark for my BBT thermometer . . . so I guess that’s something!

So, the book is history, relegated to the back of the closet along with the even earlier purchase of (gasp) pregnancy books!!! (If I ever need THOSE, I will have to go on a serious search for them.)

I would like to have taken charge of my fertility, of our fertility, but beyond what we have done so far, there is not much to add, except to try, try gain.

So, I am taking charge of my life instead. I have been so miserable. I have lost myself in all this infertility crap. I have literally lost my body. (Maybe it’s more accurate to say I’ve gained one I don’t want). The version of me that is looking back from the mirror these days scares me a bit. I can blame some of the weight gain on hormone injections, but the rest goes to stress eating and lack of exercise. I used to play racquetball three times a week and teach scuba weekly (which involved swimming and lugging heavy equipment). At the very least, I always walked regularly. One by one I dropped those activities until I was watching way too much Oprah and CSI and buying new (bigger) jeans!

I did a quick inventory of my life: What is good, what is bad. What I can change, what I cannot change, etc. So here is what I plan to do: I will focus on one or two things that are making me unhappy, that I CAN change. Having a baby is not one of the things I can control right now. I can, however, control whether I lose weight, whether I get fit, whether I improve my overall health. (Which will come in handy when I am pregnant, and eventually have a toddler to chase). I don’t like my job a whole lot right now, but it does have some perks . . . so that one is on my optional list for the moment, but may be added to the plan soon. I can change jobs if I choose to. Right now, just realizing I have a choice about that is helpful. I sent away for the paperwork to reinstate the nursing license I let expire. (Oops!) So I will be ready for that change when I choose as well.

So, Wednesday I checked out the fitness center options in my area. I cannot afford the racquet club right now. Also my playing partner, C. is now doing a very physical job every day and does not have a burning desire to workout when he gets home! (Nor does he need to). So, Thursday I used my free pass to the club that felt like the best fit for the most reasonable price. After 20 minutes on an elliptical trainer and an additional 45 minutes in the interval training class . . . I was sweating and in pain but feeling oddly great and proud of myself. The instructor was great and the other members seemed friendly. I joined on the spot. I am hooked. I have a bad track record of not sticking with a fitness regime, but I know I can do this. My goal is to lose 15 pounds before the next IVF cycle in May. I think that is a reasonable goal. If I lose more, then great . . . but I do not want to set an unrealistic goal. I think this will make up for some of the social isolation of my current job. The fitness center is women only and that seems more comfortable to me right now. I am glad there are still “real” gyms for women only. The Curves places are just not my thing. So, even if I don’t make a single actual friend, it feels good to be in a room full of people with a common goal.

I don’t know why this feels right right now, but I am quite excited to have something positive to focus on. I know that if I put as much effort into this project as I have into ttc, then I WILL get results from this. I may not end up a swimsuit model body (HA HA HA HA . . . falling over laughing at the thought!) but I WILL end up healthier, more energetic, and happier. While I think this can’t hurt our ttc efforts, my goal is not to increase our chances of a successful future IVF. My goal is to get my “self” back so that if this fail again I won’t have the double whammy of being childless and fat and frumpy and if this succeeds . . . I will be on my way to being healthy and fit which will only be a good thing for me and baby.

I am so sore today and I am actually quite pleased with myself. It’s been a while since I’ve felt proud of myself. I wish I could figure out what made this possible right now. There are times when I really need to push myself and I just can’t. And those times when I can, I want to capture whatever it is that made the difference. Sadly, all I can think of is that with this last BFN, I hit bottom and had nowhere to go from there but up. Sometimes hitting bottom gives you just enough bounce to move forward again. Is that crazy??


15 Responses to “TCOYL”

  1. seattlegal Says:

    Good for you for going out and exercising! I really need to find the motivation do to that as well as I could stand to lose some pounds before we start our IVF cycle (whenever that happens).

    And I don’t think that sounds crazy.

  2. Leggy Says:

    Well I for one didn’t notice an extra 15 pounds on you when we met, but if you say so…
    But I do know what you mean re: feeling out of control and feeling like you’ve let everything else go to hell (career, body, friendships, etc.) in the long drawn-out quest to have a baby.
    There is a good book I’ve been reading re: taking control of your life in the IF process. I’ll send you the link.

  3. Kellie Says:

    Not crazy at all.

    Congratulations and good luck on your fitness quest 🙂

  4. DD Says:

    Another nice thing about finding and/or setting a new goal is that it helps avoid that sitting-around-and-waiting-for-things-to-happen syndrome, and will make then next couple of months pass quicker. Before you know it, it’ll be May and you will have more stamina and be better prepared mentally AND physically.

  5. Lori Says:

    You go girl! It is hard to watch your previous life slip out from under you as you get immersed in IF. I hope this helps you bounce back up.
    Good luck!

  6. PortLairge Says:

    Good for you Beagle. Exercise will make you feel so much better and prepared for your next cycle.

  7. EJW Says:

    I love that post-first-exercise-in-months soreness. It feels like punishment and promise, all in one. Good luck, this sounds like a very healthy bounce back up.

  8. the waiting line Says:

    nope. not the least bit crazy.

    as for hitting rock bottom. there can be something liberating about it. nowhere to go but UP!!

    I’m hoping to climb that same hill. 😉

  9. TiggleBitties Says:

    Thanks for stopping by my blog earlier. I wanted to tell you that this fitness plan is wonderful! It sounds like you are very determined and I think it’s great. It’s also nice to have something else to focus on (as if we could ever Kudos to you! Here’s to a thinner and healthier you for when that baby decides to join us down here. 🙂 I’d like to add your blog to my links section if you don’t mind. Best of Luck and God Bless!

  10. Lindy Says:

    It makes me so happy to see you so pleased with yourself, Beagle. Starting with a change like this and giving yourself time to think about potential job changes sounds like the perfect solution for the moment. And having a workout routine can really help with the stress of waiting for IVF.

    YAY, Beagle!!!

  11. JEN Says:

    Good for you Beagle!
    It’s good to see you being able to focus on something for yourself! It can only lead to good things!
    PS… I am looking for my kitchen remodel picture, it’s a pretty close 2nd to your first picture of ugly picture. Mine was from the 70’s and original….

  12. Liz Says:

    I know how hard it is to get started…glad you did it. It sounds like a good plan. I’m trying to lose weight and I went to a class on Thursday and my body is still sore…I’m so out of shape. Good luck!!!

  13. Just another Jenny Says:

    Good for you! It is always hard getting started again but once you do, you are right on track.
    Your post seemed like I wrote it. I lived by TCYF for months, I hated lying there for a minute taking my temp while my bladder was ready to explode. I had diagnosed myself as having a short cycle and poor cervical fluid. Looking back, I think I just wanted it to be about me so we could fix it.
    I gained 10 lbs in 2&1/2 mnths when we found out we had to do IVF. I have been on track about 6 weeks now and I feel much better. Consentrating on your health helps get your mind off infertility and helps get your body in better shape for when the happy day does come.
    I bet the “soreness” feels good – it reminds you of how hard you worked.

  14. Donna Says:

    TCOYL is much better than TCOYF! I’m not sure that you actually wrote down the inventory of your life or not, but just being able to see that there ARE good things (not just bad or things you can’t fix) is a huge step. I hate working out but I do it because I know I should and it helps to maintain my weight. I’ve never had the endorphin high that others rave about, afterwards I am just tired and sweaty…but I do feel a huge sense of accomplishment, and that’s worth it. Good for you.

  15. Kross-Eyed Kitty Says:

    When I was told a year ago that there was nothing the RE could do, I also went into a bit of a downward spiral. I gained a ton of weight, and drank as much wine as I liked. Never exercised, and basically I’m left looking like a brunette Tonya Harding.
    Yesterday, I gave myself a good shake, started Weight Watchers again, and went for an hour long walk.
    Yes, sometimes you do have to hit rock bottom. And sometimes, even a few metres of sludge below that!
    Good luck!

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