LMAO. Love, God

This post will be one that I look back on and regret. I am now officially living proof that infertiles are as crazy as CSI and bad made-for-TV movies make us out to be.

My SIL just E-mailed me with the “top secret” name choice for our niece to be born via c-section tomorrow. We are the only ones they are telling ahead of time. Maybe it’s some kind of token consolation prize for the infertile aunt and uncle?? Well, it’s the name I’ve been calling my unborn child for over two years now. I even remember saying to C. months ago when they announced it was going to be a girl . . . I said what if they pick our name? He said “what are the chances?” Funny you should ask . . .

This feels like such a cruel joke. Some small sane part of me understands a name is just a name. But it feels more like my baby is being born tomorrow to someone else and because of that mix-up by the gods, I will never have her. C. even said to me that we can still name our child that same name. ??? Two first cousins with the same name? In a family of a total of less than 6 cousins?

I was truly looking forward to meeting this new niece, despite the pain of holding a newborn that is not mine, again. But I am so afraid I will burst into tears every time I look at her, every time I hear her name. The thing is my SIL would not hurt me in any way, if she knew what this represented in my mixed up mind, but there is no way to tell her this now.

So I will now have a permanent reminder of what could have been but will never be. I can’t believe I am so upset about this but it’s like God took the child set aside for us and handed it to someone else and said, oh sorry, did you want that?? Why does the name matter so much? It feels like my last scrap of hope just blew away. Why does life have to be so very unfair??

Why, oh why . . . dear God why??

God must be laughing his ass off while I sit here crying so hard I can’t see to type.

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15 Responses to “LMAO. Love, God”

  1. TiggleBitties Says:

    Oh honey!! My heart is truly breaking for you as I read your post. Though I don’t know exactly what to say to console you, I can tell you that this other baby has no impact whatsoever on your future children. It’s really just a coincidence that your name was taken. (Which I really am sorry about.) I wish I could give ya a hug, but my little post will have to do. You are not alone and this isn’t a sign from God that yours isn’t coming. HUGSSSS This too shall pass, and hey…we’ll just have to come up with an even BETTER name… Take care and stay strong girl.

  2. N Says:

    I am so so sorry that you had to go through this! How fucking unfair! But you know what, you can still name your baby with that name! I know that this is not helping you right now, but just because somebody took “your” name doesn’t mean it isn’t still your name, just because your baby was born after that your SILs baby was!!! You can i.e. take it as a second name and come up with another first name? Maybe your first born will also have a different sex and then you need to come up with a whole new name. Again, I know that this is freaking unfair and doesn’t help right now, but “your” name is not taken forever and ever, you can still use it. I have 3 cousins with the same first name (popular first name in the beg.of the 1980s :-)).

    I send you a big hug too and hope that you either can continue to dream of your baby with “your name” or that you come up with a name that you think fits sooo much better once you see your baby when it is born. I have friends that had decided 100% on what they were going to call their daughter, when she was born, they didn’t think the name fitted any longer and the baby girl was called “girl” for about 3 weeks, as they couldn’t decide on another name!!!

    N

  3. EJW Says:

    It feels like salt in the wound, but it’s not, it’s just coincidence. This isn’t your baby, going to someone else. Your baby is waiting just a little bit longer to come to you.

  4. DD Says:

    I know it’s of little consolatioin, but you did do the right thing by not telling your SIL about the name. I’m sorry that this hurts so badly right now, and I’m only hoping that as time passes, your niece will be “your niece” and eventually the sound of her name will make you smile at the promises of the future; not cry for what was lost in the past.

  5. Leggy Says:

    I’m so sorry. I know its hard. I have a name in my head for a girl that I’ve had since I was 14. DH doesn’t like the name, and now that we are talking seriously about adopting a slightly older girl, I probably won’t get the chance to use it (b/c it would be hard to change a 4 year old’s name). My only concilation is that its such an obscure name that no one else I know has ever named their kid that.

    I think the name is the straw that broke the camel’s back and that the greater pain for you is about not being pregnant and fears about another cycle failing. I still think you can name your kid the same name. When my grandfather was alive, he was Big Name, my dad was Little Name, and my brother was Little Little Name. So your niece could be Big Name and your daughter could be Little Name.

    I’m sorry you are in so much pain.

  6. Lindy Says:

    Oh, Beagle. That’s just too awful. I know this has got to be so hard for you.

    Thinking of you.

  7. Just another Jenny Says:

    How awful! My heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine how that made you feel. Your brain knows that logically the name has nothing to do with it but your heart says “that’s my baby”. It’s hard not to let our hearts control our minds sometimes.
    I think you can still use the name. My Aunt stole “Krista” from my mom and she is still bitter about it. My hubbie has 3 cousin’s named Paul and two Johns. I know you have a small family though. I know this is so “second place” but what about using it as a middle name.
    I am thinking of you today. I know it is going to be a hard day, I wish I could give you a hug.

  8. JEN Says:

    Beagle,
    That totally sucks! I know you said it’s not on purpose and she doesn’t have any idea, but it’s just the coincidence of it that really sucks! You can still have the name if you want it. Start calling your new neice a nickname, a shorter version, princess, sweetie, call her by her middle name or initials, maybe she’ll remind you of great aunt Bertha, etc.. maybe that will catch on and you can then have the real name for you…

  9. Lori Says:

    Oh that just sucks. I’m so sorry. Why does stuff like this have to happen to make the regular IF crap that much worse? I really am sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.

  10. Kellie Says:

    Oh, Beagle, I’m so sorry 😦

    It does not seem fair. I wish there was something I could do to make it better, but I know there isn’t.

    I’ll give you a big ol hug instead.

  11. Liz Says:

    Oh I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I know how painful and unfair this is. HUGS….

  12. Kross-Eyed Kitty Says:

    OH…that IS a tough blow. I know how disappointing the ART of having a baby is, and of not having a baby is, too.
    Try to think of it as Just A Name, “A Rose, by any other name, is still a Rose”

    Glad that you’ve been stopping by my blog, now it’s my turn to look around yours!

  13. Ornery Says:

    I’m so, so sorry. That is such a hard blow, especially since you’ve been looking forward to meeting your niece. I, too, had a special name in mind if I ever had a son, and then one of my best friends ended up using that name for their newborn, right around the time I had my miscarriage. It was heartbreaking, and it still hurts tremendously when I think about it. My heart breaks for you, my dear.

  14. seattlegal Says:

    I am so sorry! I completely understand how you feel. Big hugs to you!

  15. thalia Says:

    Ugh. YOu are so within your rights to be sad about this – it’s not at all an insane infertile thing. It’s about mourning the baby that you didn’t get to have (yet).

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