Always an Auntie . . .

Is always an Auntie, never a Mom kind of like always a Bride’s Maid, never a Bride??

I feel a lot like I did back in my single girl days when everyone was getting married and I wondered whether (maybe) I was missing the boat. I also wondered whether I was the smart one, not settling or marrying just because it was “time,” etc. My parents have a marriage that (seems to) work very well for them. But it is the kind of traditional roles marriage that would have killed me to be in. So that may (or may not) explain part of my aversion to marriage from very early on. I also did not know any truly happy couples or truly equal marriages. (Maybe I just didn’t know enough couples well.) Most married women I knew in my twenties were always griping about their men. Complaining and whining about how unfair marriage was, etc. Being the fairness fanatic that I was and am, I could not see myself entering into such an unfair institution lightly!

So, on second thought, always an Auntie is not much like always a Bride’s Maid at all.

For whatever deep and twisted reasons, I never wanted a husband as much as I wanted a family. That may sound pretty odd. C. was the third man to propose to me, so it’s not like I was left standing in everyone else’s matrimonial dust, I was just never convinced that any of the men I dated were worth giving up my freedom for or spending an entire lifetime with. (Another secret revelation: I am an oddball!)

In my late 20’s the realization that motherhood required marriage (for me) kind of sunk in. So I stopped dating fun, “bad boy” types and started really thinking about what I wanted for the long haul. Then C. came along when I wasn’t really “looking.” He seemed so different, and so right, right from the start. The more I got to know him the more I was attracted to his overall qualities as a person and as a potential partner, not just as another stop over, playmate, or distraction. We were friends first and I think that while that is a less exciting start to a relationship than the passion and chemistry approach, it is a stronger foundation for love that lasts. C.’s not the sweep you off you feet type. That was (and still is) a bit sad for me. I liked being swept! I miss being swept. But he has all the stuff that matters: honesty, loyalty, integrity. He is also attractive and fun and loving in a nonromantic kind of way, though he does have his romantic moments! But I think when I fell in love with him, I fell in love with the father of my children as much as I fell in love with the partner for myself, if that makes any sense.

I am so sad for us that this parenthood thing is not happening. (Yet!) It was such an essential part of my picture for us that I am not sure I will be able to “choose” a childfree lifestyle without becoming bitter and hard at an essential core part of myself. That scares me. I don’t want to be bitter or hard.

C. and I talked again about adoption and it is my hope that he will come around to embracing it. I will not push him because that would not be fair to him or to the child, no matter how badly I want it. I need to learn to let go, for many reasons, but in the case of the great baby quest, I am finding it near impossible to “let go.” I want this, and I want to make it happen. Preferably NOW.

I am still struggling with the name thing. I just cannot believe it. I mean really, what are the chances?? For right now I am still thinking of her as baby girl surname . . . and most importantly as my newest and smallest niece. She is a gem and I know I will love her even if her given name is a sad reminder of my own losses. That ache will ease up in time, at least enough to make it OK again. I was surprised by how many people said I could still use the name and I am kind of holding on to that. I can if I want to. I doubt that I actually would, but I like thinking that it is still mine if I want it. And when the day comes that I have a baby of my own to name, I think I will be so overjoyed to have her (him) that I will be able to name her (hime) anything at all and be too happy to care about the dream name anymore. And there is the very real possibility that we will have boy and that will make this a non issue for sure!

I realize that the tears and heartache over this are not nearly as much for the name itself, as for the baby, the idea of the baby, the desire for the baby that just won’t come (YET!)

I’m sure the timing of this latest blow was a big factor too. I was and still am reeling from the failed IVF . . . it all just hit me so hard . . . the unfairness of it all, the sadness of it all . . .

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13 Responses to “Always an Auntie . . .”

  1. DD Says:

    There never seems to be anything but bad timing when it comes to infertility, and of course we know that Time is one of our biggest enemies. The one good thing about time is that it always slips to the past letting us move into the future and to new possibilities.

  2. JEN Says:

    Beagle,
    You will be a mommy! Your doctor will be able to make the perfect protocal for you. It’s so easy to feel the failure so deep in your soul. I used to think if someone could just look into my future and guarantee I’d be a mommy, I’d do as many cycles as I needed. The good news from all the people I know who have gone through IF treatments is that ALL of them had babies. Some took longer than others, but ALL of them did have babies. I like to remind myself of the hope that is out there!!

  3. Donna Says:

    You don’t “choose” to be childless, or at least we didn’t. We just weren’t successful and don’t want to adopt. Right now you are choosing to continue your quest for a baby, and that is all that matters, no matter how many other people have babies, or what they name them. Thinking of you.

  4. Just another Jenny Says:

    I can relate. I didn’t get married until I was 30 and I feel like life is starting to pass me by.
    We all plan so much of our lives around being parents, it’s so hard to imagine a plan without them.
    C sounds like a great guy. I hope you can come to an agreement on next steps.

  5. LB Says:

    It was nice hearing more about your relationship with C. I also like to see you using the word “YET!” and am happy that you realize your dream will someday be fulfilled. Thinking of you,
    Laurie

  6. Lori Says:

    I had the same reservations about marriage and am very happy in our equal partnership. I hope that you are able to find a way to bring children into what sounds like a wonderful marriage.

  7. TiggleBitties Says:

    Beagle,

    It’s hard reading your post. It’s like reading about me, hell I expected to see my sig at the bottom, we are that much alike.

    After many failed cycles myself, I (like you) have heard it all. But what I want to tell you, what you need to hear is that everyone is right. We will have babies. We will have that family unit we pray for and we WILL succeed. And why you ask? BECAUSE WE WILL NOT GIVE UP. I swear to God I wont, and I won’t let you.

    You are entitled to a mourning period after a failed IVF. Shit, I’d take you out myself for a drink or four if I could. Then, after we are done actively mourning (I say active because we never never ever forget) We do what all other HERO’s do. We pick up, dust off and keep going. I use the word HERO because we are all hero’s to each other. When you hear a non IF person say “wow, I could never go through all that” They’re telling the truth. They couldn’t, but we can and we will and we do. Take care honey. This too shall pass.

  8. Beth Says:

    Wow this post resonated with me.

    “For whatever deep and twisted reasons, I never wanted a husband as much as I wanted a family. That may sound pretty odd.”

    I always felt the same way, so I do not find it odd in the least. In fact, Himself was also the third to propose. I always had a hard time with trying to justify the inequality I saw in other marriages – so I just didn’t.

    C sounds like a wonderful guy and I hope the two of you can come to agreement on next steps.

  9. Ornery Says:

    C. sounds like a wonderful man. I’m so glad you took the time to find the right man to be the father of your child(ren).

    This post sounded so wistful. All I want to do is give you a great big hug.

  10. Thalia Says:

    Of course you’re still sad about the name – you are mourning for all those babies you haven’t had. Do let yourself be sad, it’s important sometimes.

    I’m very glad that you have C.

  11. N Says:

    I also always wanted a family more that a husband, that is I never felt that it was so imprtant that I am married when we have a child, ergo: TTC = soon four years, TTCG (trying to get married) = 10 months.

    About the name, I agree with Thalia, mourn it…Maybe you will find another name soon that you later on will find so much more appropriate, once you are a mo!

    Take good care of yourself! I am glad that you have C., who seems to be a very nice guy!

    Take good care of yourself!

    N

  12. Liz Says:

    Beagle, I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I too delayed marriage and wanted to be a mother more than a wife. I know how hard and unfair all of this is. Don’t give up!

  13. Pamplemousse Says:

    So sorry, Beagle. This is so hard to get through, I know.

    On the other hand, I am so jealous of your lovely kitchen, complete with island!!!

    You have to just hang in there..nothing else for it.

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