Some lighthearted bitchiness

Let me apologize in advance for this tacky tidbit, but it was just too funny to pass up on passing on! I am thinking of composing a similar letter to the makers of early results HPT’s . . . after all, if they are so accurate for early testing, then why do they sell them in three packs?

I would also like to add that I have been boycotting K*otex brand since the age of ten. Because it was then, those many years ago, in health class that they handed out the K*otex sponsored booklet entitled “It’s wonderful being a girl” . . . what a load of crap that was. This cute pink and flower covered little booklet went on to explain how we were about to embark on an adventure called puberty during which we would grow hair in funny places, have painful cramps, gain weight in funny places, and oh yes . . . the ultimate joy . . . BLEED. What fun indeed!

So, I hope this offends no one and makes someone laugh:


Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of “Kotex Tips for Life” on it.

Annoying advice such as:
Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
Try Kotex blah blah blah other products.

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I’ll wait.

While you’re at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Look, females don’t need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing “helpful” crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol.

Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and enough to send a girl running to the “Always” brand. Mostly we’d like to forget that we even need these products. It’s not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass.

Ovarily Yours,
Miss PMS

Edited to add:
Based on a few of your comments I fear I have misrepresented my cleverness and I wanted to clarify ***I did not write this letter.*** It was sent to me in that Fwd:, fwd:, fwd. format of all great e-mail jokes. I DO think that writing the HPT letter myself might be a fun exercise on a PMS sort of day!


10 Responses to “Some lighthearted bitchiness”

  1. Just another Jenny Says:

    Love it – maybe call it “assvice” rather than advice, that might be the cherry on the sundae.

  2. meg from the egg Says:

    beagle… no not tacky… funny!…good stuff… hee hee… 🙂

  3. mm Says:

    please tell me you are sending this to their customer service dept!!

  4. Heather Says:

    Love It! I literally laughed out loud and had to make up some lie to my cube mate as to why I was laughing.

    Not tacky in the least bit.

  5. Barely Sane Says:

    Awesome! I hope you send it!

    That was funny (& true) enough to make me giggle. And given my current pissy mood, it was a much needed laugh!

  6. MoMo Says:

    Beagle…love it. That made me laugh and thanks because I needed that today!

  7. seattlegal Says:

    Love the letter. It made me laugh. Can’t wait to read the one to the HPT makers!

  8. Ornery Says:

    Love the letter! I’ve always been a hater of Kotex for no real reason…until now.

  9. PortLairge Says:

    They put adds on the peel off strip!!!!!!!! I’ve heard it all. Great letter

  10. Donna Says:

    Even if you didn’t write it, it made me laugh and I hadn’t seen it before. Have you seen the recent ads telling us to “Have a happy period!” — what a load of crap indeed.

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