Suppression check

Yes, we have suppression. Lining is at four, left side clear, right side . . . also clear. That is the entirety of my conversation with the RE this morning. I had in mind to ask about antral follicles but decided why bother? Making follicles has never been a problem for me. My problems? Risk of cancellation due to OHSS and / or one or two follies taking the lead and stalling the rest out. So antral follie counts hardly seem helpful in predicting the success of a cycle for me. Also I am going to try to obsess less about “numbers” this time around. Why drive myself crazy when I can’t control the numbers anyway? We’ll see how long this approach lasts and / or how well it works in terms of keeping me uncrazy.

In other uncrazy news . . . I barely flinched when I signed the credit card slip for $11,450.00. Holy crap! I did flinch internally, but I did not experience heart palpitations like I did the first time around. Now, I know a baby is priceless and all that . . . but spending that kind of money on something with these kinds of odds really feels more like an outrageous gambling problem than a sensible way to start a family. Why is IVF SO expensive? And why, if I pay a lot of money for health insurance, don’t they cover at least some reasonable part of this?? Or any of this?? I think mine has to be one of the most expensive RE’s in the country. I think the bigger clinics are cheaper maybe due to volume and certain cities/regions are cheaper due to competition. This price does include ICSI but does not include medications or bloodwork above and beyond the allotted number for the “package” price. Last round I got several more bills from the lab. They totaled maybe $300 more but that really irked me. I get monitored more closely than average because of my history with OHSS. I’d rather pay the extra $300 than cancel a cycle, that’s for sure but I also kind of feel like for that kind of money they (the RE’s practice) could suck up the cost of a few extra E2 levels! Because you know that the cost is not what they actually charge patients. Grrrr . . .

My protocol is unchanged. As of tomorrow I am on Lupro*n 5u, Meno*pur 75u and Fo*llistim 50u. These must be a record low doses for IVF. I am betting they put the Fo*llistim back up to 75u by Saturday but that’s still really low. I guess in the case of medications “less is more” is a good thing? I don’t know, just so it works!

My next check is Saturday. I finally got smart (can you believe it took me this long to think of this?) and asked to make my Monday appointment today as well so I can finally get an early time slot and not miss as much work this time. Why didn’t I think of that sooner???

So, not much else is going on in the Beagle house. Just plugging away one day at a time. Last night C. and I hashed out a survival plan for Mother’s Day on the advice of our counselor. Mother’s Day happens to be my Mom’s birthday as well and I am an only child, so I didn’t feel I could blow it off entirely just because I am having a beta that weekend and / or having a bloated, teary, breakdown. So I am looking into a couple of upscale non-kid-friendly restaurants. (ie restaurants that won’t have us surrounded by babies and toddlers). This way we will honor her day but limit it to maybe two hours and limit the babyless pain. Also by goign the restaurant route, I won’t have to cook or clean or host or fuss. I will buy a great gift now while I’m sane and order a huge flower arrangement. That should cover it.

I think my Mom is finally coming around to understanding how crappy this infertility thing is. Which is a huge thing for me/us. She has not been very supportive through this journey so far. It really hurt because I needed her to be. I am beginning to see that she didn’t mean any harm, she just has no idea what to do or say. Sadly, her discomfort with the topic sometimes leads to a nervousness that causes her to say really dumb assvicey things. But she’s starting to come around, I think.

On Easter morning, I went to a local park that literally has a field full of bluebells. It’s this gorgeous blue carpet. I thought I’d go there and soak up some sun and some peace before facing the dinner hosting thing. It was a great idea. In theory. There was only one glitch: I did not anticipate that every proud parent, with a cute little angel dressed in their Easter best, would be there taking photos of their darling on the bluebell carpet. Picture if you will . . . sweet baby girls in precious fluffy Easter dresses sitting in a patch of bluebells. Ughhhh . . . Very cute . . . also very heart wrenching! Thankfully I had sunglasses on and could cry discreetly. Then (can you believe this?) my parents showed up at the same park at the same time. My Mom just had this crushed look when she saw all the kids and babies and then her own daughter’s forced smile covered in pain. I had a rare moment when I felt she understood my pain. Dad just looked really puzzled.

Later that evening back at my house my Mom also noticed all the drugs in my fridge and gave me a sympathetic look and hugged me (a bit awkwardly), saying nothing at all. But I knew. She’s startting to “get it”.

That meant a lot. It meant more, even, than the supply of chocolate she arrived bearing! I’m 37 and I still get an Easter basket! Gotta love that!

***I by no means advocate opening up about infertility to everyone, nor is it for everyone. I have had a lot of painful moments with my Mom before this one. I suspect I’ll have more painful ones before we’re through this maze. It is a risky business, “coming out.” In my case I have a glimmer of hope that the risk may end up being worth it in the long run. Either way, I am grateful for these two small moments of understanding with my Mom.***


19 Responses to “Suppression check”

  1. Mary Ellen and Steve Says:

    It’s good that your mom is finally coming around. I have a difficult time discussing IF stuff with family too. I hope that she continues to support you though this.

    Congrats on passing the suppression check. Good luck with starting stims tomorrow. I hope everything goes smoothly for you this cycle.

  2. Sarah Says:

    Ugghh! That is even worse than here in Canada. I just signed our credit card slip yesterday and started today with our first ICSI cycle. It is really a crime that IVF is so expensive.

    Good luck with your cycle!


  3. Ann Marie Says:

    I won’t go into IVF and its cost…I’m broke. Purchasing a home is out of the question until this infertility business is over with! I noticed you’re on the same meds that I am usually on, and I noticed your location. Do you do a mail order pharmacy or go local…just curious. And good luck to you!

  4. JEN Says:

    Beagle, a silent hug can mean so much! I have yet to receive one of those from my mom. It’s also good to have picked and ordered her gift now. Just think how organized you’ll feel in a couple of weeks. I’m keeping positive thoughts for you for this cycle!! ps. are posting on any boards this go around?

  5. Maya Says:

    I hope this cycle hits the jackpot for you and remember your odds of winning are pretty good in comparison to the other sort of gambling.

  6. Ornery Says:

    So glad the suppression worked and that you’re onto stimming! Here’s hoping for lots of follicles with no leads, and absolutely no OHSS!

    It’s wonderful to hear that your mother is finally starting to understand infertility. My mother is sympathetic for the most part, but will occassionally say things like, “You’d better get pregnant soon if you don’t want your husband to leave you,” which makes me realize that she most definitely does NOT get it.

  7. Just another Jenny Says:

    Oh no, I hadn’t done the math – my beta is a week before mothers day. It will be death if I get a negative. Hubbie’s mom makes a HUGE deal about it plus I have to throw a 10th b-day party (or vasectomy anniversay as I like to call it) for my stepson (who I do love very much).
    We just paid for the ICSI cycle too, that is more than in Canada though.
    Wishing you the best!

  8. sube Says:

    Mother’s Day? Oy. I haven’t even begun to think about that dreaded day. Damn Hallmark. Anyway, congrats on a good suppression check & on not hyper-focusing on the numbers. I’ll try to follow your lead and do the same this cycle.

  9. soralis Says:

    Sorry that you can’t blow off Mother’s day… I too am an only child, sometimes it just sucks!

    Wow that is one nasty bill! It’s just not right that some of us have to pay so dearly to try to conceive.

    Sounds like your mom is trying to be supportive, that is great.

    Take care and good luck with your cycle!

  10. Thalia Says:

    Luckily mothers’ day here in the UK is over and done with, so I don’ have that particular issue to deal with. I’m glad you got that glimmer of understanding from your mum. Hopefully there will be more to come.

  11. MoMo Says:

    I am glad to hear your mom is coming around. I can relate since my mom has a hard time understanding what we are going thru. I think these baby steps makes a huge difference.

    Good luck with the stims tomorrow. Hoping for lots of good follicles! Thinking of you!

  12. N Says:

    For some reason I don’t even know when mothers day is this year…but it’s around my B-day (and yours I suppose).

    I am glad to read that your mom is coming around a bit. Mine just did that too…it feels nice!

    Good luck with this cycle. Spring cycles are supposed to be more successful I have read!



  13. Fertility Faux Pas Says:

    There are few better things than the silent hug, especially from your mom. Actions really do speak louder than words.

    Best of luck with the cycle.

  14. Pamplemousse Says:

    That is the exact reason I gave up telling my mother about anything IVF-related. She is now totally in the dark. Sad but necessary.

    My bluebells are not out yet. Almost! You could have come round and relaxed in mine, if it was not so far away!

  15. LB Says:

    SOOOO happy mom is starting to “get it”. B- you sound like you’re doing so well. We are all thinking of you.

  16. Chas Says:

    It probably won’t make you feel better, but my IVF cycle was over $2000 more than yours, not including over $3000 in drugs.

    People that haven’t gone through it just can’t understand how it feels. We have yet to tell anyone other than our parents.

  17. Meg Says:

    Hi Beagle – Yeah, I agree when you say that people just don’t know what to say. I (unfortunately I sometimes think – me and my big mouth) have told just about everyone I know about our infertility. I must admit there is some satisfaction in being able to make people squirm with discomfort. Suffer to them; putting up with the perceived awkwardness is the least they can do!

  18. Kellie Says:

    Beagle, I hope this cycle is a good one for you. Sounds like your mom is “getting it” and that has to be a help.

    IVF is extraordinarily expensive. Sucks.

  19. Liz Says:

    Glad you passed the suppression check…you’re on your way. Signing the credit card bill is always painful. It’s unfortunate that it is so expensive and insurance doesn’t cover it.

    I know it’s hard for others to understand what we’re going through but it sounds like your mom got a small glimpse.

    Wishing you much luck with this cycle.

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