Follie check #2

Well, there is really nothing exciting to report but I am going to post anyway. My E2 is cooperating (so far) . . . there are follicles growing.

If last time is any indication, I am the slow and steady sort of IVF’er. Unfortunately, I am not a slow and steady sort of person. I have a more full speed ahead, let’s get this done already kind of personality. But I think I am managing to stay fairly patient so far. Detached is a better word. I am staying rather detached from this cycle.

I tend to be such a control freak about things I want to achieve. I work hard and I get what I want. (Well, in a deluded sort of way at times . . . but I digress.) Infertility has not fit into that approach, (no kidding?? !!) and I’ve finally accepted (to the best of my ability) that this is simply not a matter of trying hard or working hard and that this is largely out of my control. I don’t LIKE this, but I have more or less ACCEPTED it as fact. More or less.

So, this time around I just kind of show up when and where I am supposed to. I even have to remind myself to take my injections. I am kind of “pretending” that I’m not really doing IVF at all, I just happen to have a shit load of doctors appointments and a refrigerator full of drugs. I think this approach is helping. (OK, part of me wonders if it’s just the Zo*loft at work.) But I don’t care. I don’t even care much what the outcome here is (yeah, right, until I get a BFN that is). But should I happen to get a BFP, I plan to keep this detached thing going for another three months or so if I can.

How does that plan sound?

This will make my blog very boring to read. I will not have exciting anxiety attacks to report on if I manage to pull this off. I am willing to make the trade off!

As for the toddler birthday party, I succeeded in this new approach to an impressive degree with that event. I held baby niece, sniffed in some pheromones (couldn’t resist). Talked to parents of other infant, indulged, no . . . encouraged even . . . their baby chitchat, bragging, etc. I really was not at all in baby envy mode. I did not cry on the way home. It was so odd.

Something even more odd struck me. I did not have my usual pangs of “what if I never have this, what if we never have our own.” The other baby couple kept referring to baby related stuff in a context of “when you have yours” or “you’ll see” as if it was just a given that we would soon be joining this club. (The other baby couple do not know of our troubles, but then again maybe SIL told them, but then again I detected no pity so I doubt it.) Also SIL and BIL referred a few times to things we’d need to buy or do when we have our child. (They do know we’ve done IVF once and that it failed. They also know we plan to try again, but they don’t know it’s already underway). SIL and BIL also joked about regifting a really tacky baby gift they received and that we’ll be the recipients.

I should really wait to post later when I can be more coherent! Is anyone following this?

The point of that whole ramble was that I felt almost normal . . . like maybe I am not so separate from these women, maybe I will be one of them one day soon. And while I still have my doubts about that, it was good to feel that they didn’t.

I am not sure if this post makes any sense at all.

I think what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been so absorbed in the pain of infertility that I really have come to believe that other people see me as broken or different as well. They don’t. They just see a woman who likes kids and babies, is good to them, good with them, and therefore if she wants to be a mother, as it appears she does, then obviously she will be.

And it suddenly dawned on me that this is true. I will be a mother. Maybe not through IVF, maybe not to a biological child, but I will be a mother and that is all that matters in the end. I had lost sight of that.

(Besides, the palmist said so.) I must get around to writing a post about him.

I still have to go through a lot of crap to get to where I want to be. Whether it be IVF or adoption, it’s a hard road. And I will have bad days along the way. I still resent like crazy that we have to take this shitty, scary, bumpy path when most people get to coast along in the express lane to parenthood.

So those are my rather disconnected thoughts for today. I am not even going to edit this post. I’ll leave the writing to the writers. There are many of you out there with a real talent for it. Me, I am just going to ramble on at will!

***The nurse called and they are increasing my dose of stimms tonight, so I just couldn’t resist asking about the E2. It is 193. Does anyone know if this is “good” for where I am (four days of stimms, tonight will be fifth dose). But I am not obsessed! Honest! Just curious, in a detached sort of way! Honest!

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16 Responses to “Follie check #2”

  1. Leggy Says:

    You are making sense, even if you think you aren’t. I think detached is good. Sometimes its the only way to get yourself through it. Hope you are able to keep up through the ups/downs of the cycle.

    re: E2 levels, I’m afraid I’m no use on that one. My way of remaining detached and getting through IVF is to ignore the numbers and just do whatever they tell me to. So half the time I don’t even know what they are telling me when they give me the daily hormone report.

  2. Sarah Says:

    Glad to hear that the baby visit went so well. I rather like the ramble because that is sometimes the best way to sort our thoughts out. And you are right, as much as we would love to have our own biological children, You will have a family one day, however that may happen.

    Being that I have just started my first IVF cycle, I have no idea about numbers, but look forward to checking back to hear what others have to say about it so that I will know.

  3. Lindy Says:

    You’re making perfect sense. And that number is just fine for where you are. It sounds to me like they started you off on the low side because of your OHSS history and now that they see you’re tolerating it fine, they can bump it up a little. That’s sort of what they did with my meds for IVF.

    Keep us updated!

  4. lb Says:

    Sweetie, I’ll take a boring blog any day, if it means you are at peace with everything, and it sounds like you are. Good for you!Write about what the palmist said! I’d love to hear it!

  5. soralis Says:

    I am glad to hear that you were feeling almost normal for a while, that is a tough one!

    Excellent post, I can relate to some of what you said

    Take care and all the best

  6. JEN Says:

    Beagle,
    You make perfect sense! I think we’re all a little scattered at this point. Oh and btw…
    Tag your it, see my blog for directions. 🙂

  7. sube Says:

    I totally get the detached thing. I’m feeling it too this cycle. I love where your post ended up (and the meandering way it got there). Sounds like you’re in a good place right now. … Oh, and I definitely want to hear about the palmist. Sounds like a good story there!

  8. Chas Says:

    Your thoughts don’t seem disconnected at all. It’s good to hear that the baby party didn’t send you into depression mode. It’s also good that you’re thinking positive, ie. you WILL be a mother one day one way or another. Good luck with all the shots and testing you’ll be doing over the next few weeks!

  9. N Says:

    Yes you will be a mother. Isn’t that all that counts in the very very end…after IVF hell and being detached and being tagged (check my blog because I tagged you :-)…all that counts is the thought of becoming a mother. I too forget that sometimes.

    In any case I wish you ALL the luck in the world that this IVF round works.

    Sorry I can’t be any help in interpreting the E2 level…as they in this freaking country don’t do E2 tests…grrr….

    Sending hugs,

    N

  10. Meg Says:

    Beagle – you make sense alright. And it was just what I needed to hear today. I agree with you totally. I have been so wrapped up in the whole grieving process surrounding our “new” (hoho) infertility that i have forgotten what it’s all about. x

  11. MoMo Says:

    Glad to hear that your the birthday party went well. It sounds like you are in good spirits! That’s great!

    It looks like everything is going well with the cycle. Very exciting.

  12. Mary Ellen and Steve Says:

    I definitely know what you mean about feeling detatched. I have felt detatched throughout this entire cycle, and to be honest, we just had ER yesterday and I still do. I think that your feelings are normal.

    193 is a great number as far as e2 is concerned. Mine was 180 when I was on Day 4 of stimms, and they just retrieved 15 eggs. Good luck!

    By, the way… you’ve been tagged. You can read my blog for the details. Have a great day!!

  13. Heather Says:

    You made sense to me. Sometimes, I try to see myself as others see me. Like you said, it’s so easy to stay in the “infertile” bubble. Once you take a look outside, most people just think you’re totally normal and waiting to get pregnant when the “time is right”.

    As for the numbers, I’m not sure. It sounds like they are keeping a nice eye on you though.

    Good Luck.

  14. Barely Sane Says:

    You’ve been tagged (hope ya dont mind). Check out my blog to see what it’s all about.

  15. Sarah Says:

    tag! your it…see blog for details!

  16. Beth Says:

    I think you make perfect sense – now granted this is only my first IVF cycle but I started the detached thing myself. Its unconscious how it begins – I think you just get used to going through the motions. Wanding, blood draw, injection – blah. Glad to hear the baby visit was a good one.

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