A speck of dust on a drop of water

Well, I’ve struggled with what to blog about these past few days. It’s not so much that I have nothing to say as that I can’t organize my thoughts well enough to say it! I’m also having trouble sitting still. Bedrest is not my favorite thing and since it was extended with all the bladder trauma, I was very antsy by the time I got to the “real” post transfer bedrest. I was not officially on bedrest for the bladder scenario, it’s just that you can’t really go very far tethered to a pee bag. By the second day of my “real” bedrest, bedrest included a trip to the grocery store to replenish all the junk food I was appeasing myself with!

One thought that keeps running through my mind is the line in my post title. A speck of dust on a drop of water. After my transfer (before I knew I was peeing blood) I was all worried about what effect all my coughing and sneezing would have on the embryos. My RE used that analogy to describe the size and stickiness of a blast. They don’t really float free in there, they stick on right away (which is obviously not the same as implanting). For the more science minded, it has to do with surface tension. What really struck me about this analogy was the size illustration. A blastocyst is so tiny. Life starts from just two tiny cells. That just blows my mind when I stop to think about it. All this fuss, worry, hope . . . based on something the size of the point from a medium ball point pen. All the photos of blastocysts are enlarged, obviously, and I’ve kind of come to think of it as more of a dime sized entity. But it is really more like a speck of dust. Amazing.

We all want to feel early symptoms and “feel” pregnant . . . but, is it any wonder we don’t feel much of anything this early on? I find the so-called two week wait* to be more of a let down than a relief. I mean, yes, the appointments, the wandings, the retrieval and transfer, and some of the drugs are behind you, but now what? After all the frenzy of “stuff to do” there is this huge void. Now all the “stuff to do” is left up to this tiny speck of an embryo (or two or three). How scary is that for a control freak like me??

So, I am just laying low here, trying to think happy hosting thoughts. Hoping beyond hope that my guest(s)decide to make themself(ves) at home for the next 9 months or so.

The other thing that the RE said to us on the day of transfer that has stuck with me is this: If it is going to, the embryo(s) will implant in the next 48 hours.** That is a big if, no? But what strikes me about that fact is that right now, I already either am or am not pregnant. It’s already succeeded or failed. It’s just that I don’t know which it is yet. Oh, ya, and then there’s the bit about how if it has “succeeded” we still have countless hurdles to jump before we have real success. As in a “take home baby.”*** But let’s not go there yet.

So, my only early pregnancy “symptom” so far is an inexplicable urge to knit tiny sweaters. I have not given in to this urge due to my new found superstitious ideas.

I will conclude this ramble with the only two concrete cycle related bits of news I have.

a) We have two very nice blasts on ice. The rest stopped growing.

b) Yesterday’s progesterone level came in at 26.41. I am tempted (but too scared) to stop the progest supps. I really think it’s overkill to do injections AND suppositories. But I’ll do whatever they tell me in case it helps.

* with 5 day transfers it’s really a 9 day wait not a 2 week wait for beta
** with 5 day transfers this is true because the embryo is already a blastocyst
about ready to “hatch”
***I find the terms “live birth” and / or “take home baby rate” to be so . . . well . . . disturbing!

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21 Responses to “A speck of dust on a drop of water”

  1. Sarah Says:

    It is amazing that everything happens on such a minute level. I wish the follices growing in me were that small too; maybe I wouldn’t be so sore! Oh well, I’m trying not to complain too much about it.

    Sounds like you are handling the wait really well, despite being on bedrest. My understanding, not having been there yet myself, is that it might actually be better not to think too much about the “symptoms” because they may be caused by the progesterone anyways (well, I’m not sure about the knitting sweaters urge!)

    Great news about two totsicles! Hopefully you won’t need them anytime soon.

  2. Leggy Says:

    I too find the biology/science of it all fascinating. On the one hand, they are able to do so much you can’t help but wonder why it doesn’t work all the time. On the other hand, its important to remember that you really are fiddling with mother nature, and its kind of amazing it works at all.

  3. Leggy Says:

    By “you” you realize I was talking about the general human “you” and not You, Beagle, specifically, right? Just reread what I wrote and I realized it could come across wrong. 🙂

  4. MoMo Says:

    Please tell your guests to make themselves comfortable and try to give them a 5-star accommodations! The science of this whole thing is just unbelievable. It is amazing how much we learn thru this process.

    Looks like you are handling this 2ww as best you can. Thinking of you! Hugs!

  5. Kristi Says:

    It’s amazing, isn’t it, to think of how tiny those blasts are right now. We have a picture of them on the day of the transfer, just after my RE inserted them, and they’re virtually microscopic. I’m hoping they’re setting up shop for the long haul. Take care of yourself, get some rest, and think positive thoughts. I’ve got a ton of them going for you.

  6. seattlegal Says:

    Good luck, Beagle! I’m hoping that your little guests stick around for about 9 months! Take care!

  7. soralis Says:

    I love the post! It’s great to be reassured about the embryo’s/blasts not ‘falling’ out! LOL (ya that’s my big paranoia, every transfer I ask if they are going to ‘fall out’.)

    I too am thinking I am either PG or not by now. I wish I could find out now instead of waiting though!!

    Good luck to you!

  8. Just another Jenny Says:

    I try not to look at the “live birth” rate. That one makes me pretty sad too.

    Thinking about you and hoping for the best!

  9. Fertility Faux Pas Says:

    I read another blog a while back that referred to the embryo in the uterus like a raspberry seed in jam spread between two slices of bread. Once I thought of it that way, I wasn’t as worried about coughing or sneezing anymore.

    Hoping they are nicely snuggled into their new home by now. Keeping fingers crossed for the rest of the 9dw (9 day wait). Good luck!

  10. Angie Says:

    Sounds like you’re doing well! Hoping the best for you!

  11. Donna Says:

    At this point I tell my IVF friends that they are pregnant unless proven otherwise. Having never been in your shoes you can take that or leave it. Carry on!

  12. Liz Says:

    Hoping your blasts are sticking and snuggling in. I know how hard the wait can be. Congrats on the snowbabies, hoping you won’t be needing them any time soon.

  13. Chas Says:

    I didn’t feel any symptoms until I was about six weeks along at least. About the progesterone…this probably won’t make you feel better, but it was my experience. They took me off the shots and just had me take suppositories…and a few days later I lost a twin. My levels got REALLY low. I had to go back on the shots and suppositories through the first trimester.

  14. sube Says:

    There’s something very zen about that phrase. Hold onto it. May your 9-day wait pass quickly and yield happy results.

  15. Thalia Says:

    It was ovagirl’s doc who described it as putting a raspberry seed into jam. I always found that helpful, too.

    Glad you are doing ok. I actually quite like “take home baby”. It is, after all, what we all want!

  16. Mary Ellen and Steve Says:

    I am glad that you are doing well in your 2ww. I hope that you get your BFP at the end of this. We could use some good news around here! Hugs!

  17. the waiting line Says:

    I agree with everything you said. I’m hoping that you recover fully from the bladder trauma (ouch) and that the next few days go by as quickly as possible.

    – A fellow control freak 🙂

  18. Alli Says:

    The science of it all is crazy. It’s truly a miracle. Here’s hoping for the best!

  19. Chee Chee Says:

    I think it’s amazing that doctors are able to do so much with something so small.

    I hope your little specks are making a home for themselves right now.

  20. UtRus Says:

    LOVED your post. you think like me. a speck of dust… it really is so amazing. your RE sounds very cool and informative.

    may you have many distractions 🙂 hugs

  21. Meg Says:

    Beagle – It is funny to think about… In “regular” TTC everyone says not to even think about the possibility of symptoms that early. In Australia they really only give out the live birth rate… I got a big fat shock after reading all the US pregnancy rate info online. hang in there 🙂

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