Not much to say after all.

It looks like IVF#2 failed.

I am stunned.

I really thought this was it. The embryos looked so good. My stress level was lower than any previous cycle, etc. I was cautiously optimistic and all that other psychobabble bullshit that they tell you matters so much. Most of all this was our last chance, financially, at a fresh cycle. The savings accounts are empty now. I wish to god we had not wasted all that time and money on Clo*mid, Repo*nex and IUI’s. They did not test for and find C.’s antibodies until we got to IVF. The money wasted on all the previous treatments would have paid for one more shot at IVF, not to mention the two additional years of advancing “advanced maternal age.”

I am not sure what is next for us. I guess we’ll do FET since we have two frozen, but I don’t feel too excited about that right now. The discouraging thaw statistics are not reassuring right now, never mind the actual pregnancy success statistics of FET. Adoption was always our next step but honestly I don’t think I can endure a home study right now, not to mention the waiting, the rejection by birth mothers, etc. Then there is the fact that C. and I can’t agree on international versus

Hope’s funeral is scheduled for 4pm this afternoon, when they call with the “official” negative beta. Nurse M. was kind enough to acknowledge the loss now. Those 99.9% accurate tests are pretty good at 9dp5dt.

I have an overwhelming urge to get a kitten. We have three lovely cats, but the humor and energy of a kitten in the house would be so good right now. C. feels so badly that he even agreed to let me get one if I really feel that strongly about it. His limit has always been three. (He scoops the poop.) He’s giving in to me because he feels that sorry.

I feel ready to give up. I am pretty sure that that is just what I feel in the moment, in this pain of another failed cycle. I imagine I will want to keep trying at some point in the future. But right now I don’t see much point in banging my head against the proverbial wall.

It hurts too much.

It may even hurt more than being childless.

Well, no need to ramble on here. It’s over, I feel utterly crushed, and there’s nothing to do but wait for the pain to dull enough to move forward again. I called off “sick.” I’m off to spend the day hiding under the covers. I can’t even cry. The tears will come, but right now they are stuck in the shock of it all.

C. hugged me before he went to work and said “this is not the end.” I hope he is right.

I so wish I had happy news to post just this once. I really thought this time would be different.

Silly me.


47 Responses to “Crushed”

  1. Carrie P Says:

    I’m sorry.

  2. EJW Says:

    Damn it, damn it, damn it all. It’s just so unfair and so stupid and there’s nothing anyone can do. You did all the right things and you deserve this to work.

    I’m so sorry.

  3. DD Says:

    I am stunned as well. My heart just dropped after I read your first two sentences. I wish I could offer you more than just “I’m sorry,” but nothing can get past the sadness I feel for you and C.

  4. Claudia Says:

    Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I wish things had worked out differently for you guys. Hang in there and be as good as possible to yourselves right now.

  5. Demeter Says:

    It sucks, I am so sorry to read this. IF is such a rollercoaster, I don’t know how many can cope. Please take care of yourself. It is really maddening. I hope you can feel better soon.

  6. mm Says:

    Oh my God I’m so sorry.

  7. Barely Sane Says:

    I’m so so sorry. I’ll sit with you under the covers today if you want. We’ll hide away from everything and everyone, but just for awhile.
    Dont feel pressure to make any decisions right now. You have plenty of time for those. Right now, take care of yourself.

    Big huge cyber hugs!!!

  8. Kristi Says:

    Oh God, I’m so sorry. I so wish this had turned out differently for you. But this isn’t the end, I agree. One way or another, if it’s what you choose, you will be a mother one day. And what a lucky child that child will be.

  9. seattlegal Says:

    Beagle, I am so so sorry. All of this sucks so much. If only we could get some good news just for once, right? I want to sit under the covers too until all of this just goes away and some good news comes. Someday we will be mothers – though it is certainly hard to believe that in the time of so much hurt.

  10. Hopeful Mother Says:

    Beagle, I am so, so, so sorry. You really deserved good news for you and your hubby. Take care of yourselves and do what you need to do to cope.

    I am crying for you, Beagle. I am so sorry.

  11. sube Says:

    Oh beagle, my heart is breaking for you. I am so very sorry.

  12. Pamplemousse Says:

    I am so very sorry, Beagle. I know how the feeling of hope and anticipation piles up and then the rug gets pulled from underneath you.

  13. GLouise Says:

    oh sweetie- i am sooo sorry!!!!

  14. Anonymous Says:

    My heart goes out to you and your husband. Gosh, even to all of us in IVF blog land. It’s really all for one and one for all. We grieve with you both.

  15. Alli Says:

    I’m so, so sorry. Your husband is right – it doesn’t have to be the end. Take care of yourself.

  16. soralis Says:

    I am so sorry.

  17. Lindy Says:

    Oh, Beagle. I just don’t even know what to say and I know there are no words to make this even a little better. I’m stunned and crushed and crying. If you think a kitten would help, even a little bit, march yourself right out and get a kitten.

    Wishing you love and hugs and comfort and peace with time.

  18. Sunny Jenny Says:

    I am trying to type something here and can’t think of anything that doesn’t sound reduntent or pathetic. But…all I can think of is that I am sorry it didn’t happen for you.

  19. Zarqa Says:

    I’m sorry.
    FWIW, two fresh cycles last year were a bust for me and I hit a positive on the last frozen. I too was not confident at all about the success of frozens, but you never know…(such is the frustration!)

  20. Thalia Says:

    I’m so sorry, Beagle, I hoped that this was it for you too. It’s just so bloody unfair. I know you know this, but don’t decide to give up just yet. It’s all too raw and too awful just now.

    Thinking of you.

  21. Ornery Says:

    Oh, Beagle, my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry you have to endure this pain again. I feel so shocked and so utterly devastated for you.

  22. MoMo Says:

    Oh Beagle…I am so sorry…my heart is breaking right now. I was so hopeful for you this cycle. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know I can’t. Take care of yourself and remember we are all here for you! I am keeping you in my prayers! Hugs!

  23. JEN Says:

    Beagle, I’m am shocked. I know you are too! I’m sorry. I can’t even think of anything else to say.

  24. Leggy Says:

    B, not much to add beyond others comments except to add my voice to the chorus of “I’m stunned too” and I’m sorry this had to happen. Looking forward to seeing pics of the new kitty.

  25. LB Says:

    I am so angry for you. Why? Why does it have to be so difficult? C is right, this isn’t the end, but why all the tears in getting there? I wish I had something more to offer. All I can say is I’m sorry, and I’m here for you always.

  26. Ann Marie Says:

    Beagle, C. is right. It’s not the end. I am so very sorry for this. Give yourselves time and do what’s in your heart. We’re all here for you.

  27. Liz Says:

    I am deeply saddened to hear of your news. It’s so unfair. Wish I could do something to ease your pain. Thinking of you. {{HUGS}}

  28. Millie Says:

    I’m so sorry. Wish there was something else I could say but I’m just so very sorry.

  29. Sarah Says:

    Dear Beagle-I am so incredibly sorry. I really thought that this would be it for you. I hope that after the sadness disappears you will see that this is not the end. Take the time you need to heal. I’ll be thinking about you and send you lots of love.

  30. the waiting line Says:

    jesus, I’m so sorry. I know what you mean about the money, the years gone by, the advancing maternal age . . . g*ddamn this shit. not that it helps now, but eventually you know you will move forward. and when that happens, you will be “you” – even stronger. in the meantime, I hope that you heal and that you heal soon. I’m sorry you’re going through this.


  31. amanda Says:

    I’m so very sorry. You’re in my thoughts.

  32. Beth Says:

    Oh dear Beagle, I am so very sorry. My heart hurts for you and C. I know that sorry just really doesn’t cut it, please know that I grieve with you. Thinking of you.

  33. N Says:

    I am so so sorry to hear the bad news. Hiding will do its job probably for a day or so. Then you must come out again and face the fact that C. presented you with “this is not the end”…of it all.

    Mourn through the pain of this not having worked….you need to do that!

    Sending big fat hugs via transatlantica…

  34. Meg Says:

    Oh Beagle. I never know what to say, and this is no different. I wish so much that there was something I could do to take some of the sadness away. My love to you.

  35. caroline Says:

    I am so sorry – my heart is breaking for you and C. Its all just so damn unfair.

  36. Ellen K. Says:

    I’m so sorry.

  37. Sarah Says:

    Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you this morning. Hugs!

  38. Just another Jenny Says:

    Beagle, I am so damn sorry this didn’t work. After all you went through, I am just so sad to see this post. My thoughts are with you.

  39. daysgoby Says:

    B –

    Be good to yourself.

    I’m so, so sorry.

  40. Donna Says:

    Take care of yourself, no need to make any decisions right now.

  41. Mary Ellen and Steve Says:

    I am so very sorry. Damn it. Can’t any of us catch a break?! This is all so unfair. I wish I could say something to ease your pain. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself. Hugs!

  42. Sunny Jenny Says:

    I found some CDC stats for FET.. There is only an 8.4% difference. That gave me a little comfort…still thinking of you

  43. Kellie Says:


    Hugs to you. I’m so sorry 😦

  44. Maya Says:

    Hugs to you. I am so sorry. My heart really hurts for you.

  45. Chee Chee Says:

    I am so so sorry. I wish you didn’t have to go through this.

  46. Heather Says:

    I’m so sorry it’s another bfn cycle.

    Take it easy, take time for you.

  47. Kath Says:

    Dear Beagle, I am so very sorry. This is truly crushing news.

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