Crushed

Not much to say after all.

It looks like IVF#2 failed.

I am stunned.

I really thought this was it. The embryos looked so good. My stress level was lower than any previous cycle, etc. I was cautiously optimistic and all that other psychobabble bullshit that they tell you matters so much. Most of all this was our last chance, financially, at a fresh cycle. The savings accounts are empty now. I wish to god we had not wasted all that time and money on Clo*mid, Repo*nex and IUI’s. They did not test for and find C.’s antibodies until we got to IVF. The money wasted on all the previous treatments would have paid for one more shot at IVF, not to mention the two additional years of advancing “advanced maternal age.”

I am not sure what is next for us. I guess we’ll do FET since we have two frozen, but I don’t feel too excited about that right now. The discouraging thaw statistics are not reassuring right now, never mind the actual pregnancy success statistics of FET. Adoption was always our next step but honestly I don’t think I can endure a home study right now, not to mention the waiting, the rejection by birth mothers, etc. Then there is the fact that C. and I can’t agree on international versus
domestic.

Hope’s funeral is scheduled for 4pm this afternoon, when they call with the “official” negative beta. Nurse M. was kind enough to acknowledge the loss now. Those 99.9% accurate tests are pretty good at 9dp5dt.

I have an overwhelming urge to get a kitten. We have three lovely cats, but the humor and energy of a kitten in the house would be so good right now. C. feels so badly that he even agreed to let me get one if I really feel that strongly about it. His limit has always been three. (He scoops the poop.) He’s giving in to me because he feels that sorry.

I feel ready to give up. I am pretty sure that that is just what I feel in the moment, in this pain of another failed cycle. I imagine I will want to keep trying at some point in the future. But right now I don’t see much point in banging my head against the proverbial wall.

It hurts too much.

It may even hurt more than being childless.

Well, no need to ramble on here. It’s over, I feel utterly crushed, and there’s nothing to do but wait for the pain to dull enough to move forward again. I called off “sick.” I’m off to spend the day hiding under the covers. I can’t even cry. The tears will come, but right now they are stuck in the shock of it all.

C. hugged me before he went to work and said “this is not the end.” I hope he is right.

I so wish I had happy news to post just this once. I really thought this time would be different.

Silly me.