They’re stuck

My tears are stuck. I have not cried. I know I need to cry but I just can’t. I cried Mother’s Day and I cried Monday too, but Tuesday when I got my negative results, I did not cry. I was (and am) in this numb auto pilot mode. “I’m fine” I say, when anybody asks. I even laugh and joke about how frustrating this all is. You can ask this fellow blogger, the only one I’ve met IRL. She called to check on me Tuesday which was very sweet. Thanks Leggy. I must have seemed absurdly chipper during that phone call. I think the blocked tears might have to do with being afraid that they won’t stop if I let them start.

If I have not cried by Sunday, then I am renting the saddest movie I can find and we’ll see if that helps. I am waiting for the dam to break and it is making me nervous. I’m afraid it will catch me off guard.

C. seems to be coping. On the surface. His work is very busy right now so he does not have that kind of dreadful spare time when you dwell on pain. He is frustrated, as am I. He is hurting, I am sure, but he deals by trying to fix my pain instead. So . . .

I got that kitten. C. caved and said I could, so I ran right over to the Humane Society. It is crazy, because that makes FOUR. No one needs FOUR cats, least of all us. We have a small-ish house. But it is very hard to watch a kitten play and not smile. I’d like to run a “name the kitten contest”, if I can only find the camera. (Lindy you can’t play if you abhor cats! I am shocked!) (You do know I am kidding?)

He is 10 weeks old, black and white “tuxedo” markings with a tiny, thin ring of white near the tip of his jet black tail. His shelter name was Oreo, but we think that is too sissy for a boy. C. wants to call him Bob the Cat. Help! I need a better name than that! Our other three are girls: Maggie, Mischief, and Mollie. (His, hers and ours) So in defense of all the “M” names, 2/3 were named before we met. They are all black and tan tigers too. Three clone cats with “M” names.

On to more “important” topics: We think we’ll do a FET in July (next available cycle). We’ll see if AF cooperates and whether my psyche can handle it. Stay tuned.

Other than that, I am at a loss for blogging topics. Or at least, I am at a loss for finding the will to tackle them. So here’s a short-ish, lame-ish post just to let you all know I am still here and to thank you for your kind comments. I can’t come up with the words to express the depth of my gratitude.

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11 Responses to “They’re stuck”

  1. EJW Says:

    Kitties! Who doesn’t love a kitty?!

    What about Milo? In the mental picture your description conjured up, he looks like a Milo, plus it fits with the other? It’s a fun, spunky yet sophisticated (he’s wearing a tux, right?) name for a kitten who is sure to help heal your heart.

  2. Leggy Says:

    You didn’t seem insanely chipper- just resigned and trying to figure out how to make the best of it. I too was fine the first few days of my m/c and it was only later that it was much worse. I have a tendancy to do that with grief- buck up & be strong in the beginning and then wonder weeks later (after everyone else has forgotten and moved on) how the hell to cope.

    FWIW, my father had a very difficult time crying after my brother died. Compassionate Friends (a support group for parents who’ve lost children), told him to rent the saddest movies he could find so that he could at least get the emotion out even if was by focusing on someone else’s pain. So your instincts are right on target.

    Thinking of you…

  3. Maya Says:

    Wow FET in July. That’s not too far off. Your kitty is so cute. I like the Milo suggestion. C. sounds very sweet. I am sure that there will be plenty of tears when your ready. I didn’t cry for a long time over our inability to conceive. Then, wham, one month I thought for sure I was pregnant. Then AF came (I still think I was). I cried like a broken gushing faucet. Like never before. I could do nothing but cry nonstop for hours. Sometimes it takes a while for the shock to wear off.

  4. Maya Says:

    Post #2 for the night. I have discovered the answer to the tear problem. I have not stopped crying all night. So there is a tear shortage in the world. Just thought you’d like to know

  5. LB Says:

    Bianka-
    He looks like a Kismet to me. It was fate that brought the three of you together and that’s what Kismet means. It is also fated that you WILL be a mom some day. Trust in that.

  6. daysgoby Says:

    Sweet kitty.

    B – You just hold on tight, okay?

  7. Emma B. Says:

    Maxim, a la Daphne DuMaurier.

  8. Kristi Says:

    I’m glad you seem to be holding it together. Not everyone needs to cry, and I’m sure you’re grieving in your own way. I have my fingers crossed for a lucky July FET. A spring baby would be wonderful. Now, on to naming your new kitten…

  9. sube Says:

    I know that feeling of not being able to cry even when you think you should. And then I find it all tends to come pouring out at the most inopportune times — like when you’re grocery shopping. Enjoy the kitty and my fingers are crossed for a July FET.

  10. MoMo Says:

    Sometimes as much as you want to cry, the tears just don’t come out..I really don’t know why this is-but take your time…just because there are no tears means that it hurst less. Hang in there..thinking of you!

  11. Just another Jenny Says:

    I think my husband is going to get me a kitty. Failed cycle or not, we need a baby – even if it is a baby kitty.

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