Do I Dare?

Do I dare? Do I dare get my hopes up? I am currently 99.9% convinced that it worked this time. Of course this conviction comes and goes. I can be 99.9% sure it failed in another few minutes, before I write the next sentence even.

I want it so badly. It’s hard not too hope too much. I refuse to POAS this time. I may cave in Thursday morning, but I’d kind of even like to skip that angst and just let them call me this time.

I am nauseous. I have been nauseous since Thursday so I am pretty sure it’s only the progesterone talking and not soaring HCG levels. But it’s hard not to imagine that this nausea “means” something. I want it to. So badly.

I have about a dozen blog posts in my head. I ought to write a few of them. My mind is just so very flighty. I keep saving the topics until I can be more coherent. The topic’s pile up in my mind, and my blog remains devoid of content.

Ramblings, that is all I can manage at the moment; ramblings and prayers that are more like chants or pleas with a god/God I am not even sure about.

Dear God please let me keep these embryos, please. Please let them become real. Like in the book. No, not your book, I mean this book. If love really does make you real, then these two babies have to be as real as can be. I love them so much that my whole being aches with the intensity of it.

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15 Responses to “Do I Dare?”

  1. daysgoby Says:

    Oh, B. I hope I hope I hope!

    Rooting for the embies (Why does that make me think of Richard Simmons and Sweating to the Oldies? Because I’m sure you’re friendly embryos were much much prettier.)

    Enjoy your day today, darlin’!

  2. Lindy Says:

    Yes. Please, please, please.

  3. PortLairge Says:

    Fingers crossed over here Beagle. Hope evrything goes well.

  4. Kristi Says:

    Beagle-I am so happy you are feeling so good about this right now. I am hoping and praying that your two “frosties” are setting up shop inside you for the next 9 months!

  5. One Mother's Journey Says:

    You kind of did me in with the Velveteen Rabbit reference… lol.

    I hope this is it for you!!

  6. Alli Says:

    Pulling for you!

  7. Hopeful Mother Says:

    I am so happy that you are happy and hopeful!

    I am praying for you, your hubbie and your embies!!!

    Stick, stick, stick around!

  8. DD Says:

    If you won’t dare to hope, then I will. Let this happen, PLEASE!

  9. EJW Says:

    I do so hope this works for you.

  10. serenity Says:

    Beagle… I hope I hope I HOPE this is it for you!

    Wrapping my hope around you too –

  11. Mary Ellen and Steve Says:

    Oh Beagle, I am hoping so hard for you too. Please, please, please let these little ones be sticking around. Hang in there.

  12. Vivien Says:

    Hi Beagle, I haven’t caught up with you in a while, so just read all your posts since ‘TOday’s the day’ and am so excited for you. Hoping with you all the way. Symptoms sound EXCELLENT to me. Progesterone (in my experience) doesn’t make you feel nauseous – the hCG does, though.
    Crossing everything. . . all the best.

  13. Ellen K. Says:

    Sending Velveteen Rabbit “real” thoughts to you and your embies, Beagle!

  14. StellaNova Says:

    I hope your intuition serves you well …

    Good luck, good luck good luck.

    🙂

  15. seattlegal Says:

    I’m pulling for you and hoping that this cycle works for you!

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