Like a recurring bad dream

Beta HCG = 0

How can this be? Where is my happy ending?

I am so sad right now, I don’t know what else to say. I didn’t want to leave my supportive Internet posse in suspense.

Sadly, this is not just another sad ending, it’s the end of the road. Maybe I do have a bit more to say.

What this cycle means:

I will most likely never carry my husband’s biological child.

I will not be a mother at the age of 38. 39 is now the youngest I can hope for even if we find some sort of miracle. (This due date would have been April, my birthday is in May.)

There is a very good chance I will never* be a mother at all and that fact is very slowly, very painfully, finally sinking in.

If I had had a crystal ball and known this* in advance, I would likely be 30 pounds thinner, we would be $45,000 richer (or at least have taken some kick ass vacations), I would have been scuba diving these past three years, been more social, been less crazy, cried less tears, laughed more often . . .

Infertility has worn away at me, one failed cycle at a time. I need a break. But it’s not a matter of a break for me. Stopping now would mean just plain stopping. I had never envisioned being a 17 year old Mom like my own mother was, but I had certainly not planned on being in my late thirties either. (Not that 38, 39, 40+ is bad, if you are up for it!) I think if I had not been through all this I would be up for motherhood at any age, but right now I just feel so worn out and tired and old. Really, really old. Much older than the 38 years my driver’s license attests to.

God, I hate this.

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59 Responses to “Like a recurring bad dream”

  1. Twisted Ovaries Says:

    I’ve been lurking and checking in on you.

    I am so sorry, Sweetie.

  2. Pamplemousse Says:

    Lurking and hoping for you too, sweetie. There really are no words that make it any better and it is so frustrating but please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you peace and joy for the future.

  3. Hopeful Mother Says:

    Beagle, I am incredibly sad for you. This is not what we wanted. At all. I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

    That damn crystal ball – sometimes I wish for it and sometimes I just don’t want to know… we have to have hope though.

    I’m so sorry for you and your hubbie. Sorry actually doesn’t do it, I know, but I want you to know that we are here for you as you figure out if you want to continue your journey down a different path, or just stop for a bit and re-group.

    We are here for you, Beagle, always. I’m sending you a really long hug right now.

  4. Kristi Says:

    Oh Beagle. I am so, so sorry. You post brought tears to my eyes. I know there’s nothing I can say to comfort you right now, but please know I’m thinking of you. Dammit, the world is so unfair sometimes.

    But remember this, IF makes you strong in a way nothing else does. And remember that one way or another, if it’s the future path you choose to take, you will be a mom someday. I

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Shit! That sucks! Hang in there. Yellowgirl

  6. Liz Says:

    I am so sorry. I know how draining all of this is, emotionally and physically. Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

  7. ms. x Says:

    I am so sorry.

    I can relate when it comes to age. Infertility makes you feel so much older than you actually are. I often tell people that I feel 129 instead of 29. Each year that passes feels like 10 years and yet people say ‘You’re so young.’

    I doubt I’ve been any comfort at all here, but I just wanted to let you know that you’re certainly not alone.

    -x-

  8. sparklykatt Says:

    So sorry to hear your news. We are in similar places. I too am 38 (will be 39 next April) and had the same hopes you do.

    We started our IF journey in 2001, and in 2003 we adopted our little boy from Russia. although I still yearn to be pregnant and give birth, and experience it all from the very beginning, there has never been a question or a doubt that my son is my son and I’m a Mommy, no matter how we created our family. Don’t give up all hope!

  9. EJW Says:

    I’m so sorry. It’s just so sad and scary and not fair.

  10. One Mother's Journey Says:

    I’m very sorry.

  11. GLouise Says:

    No, no no!!!

    I am soo soo sorry.

    I was so hopeful for you…

    Big hugs,

  12. Lady S Says:

    so sorry to hear this sad news…

  13. Heather Says:

    Crap. I’m sorry it didn’t work.
    I wish I could say something profound or even fun, but I can’t.

    I’m so, so, sorry.

  14. Heather Says:

    I’m so sorry.

  15. mm Says:

    damn, beagle. i’m so very sorry.

  16. daysgoby Says:

    oh no, Beagle. Oh noooo.

    I am sad and sorry with you, darlin’.

    We’ll be here whatever you decide to do next.

  17. Donna Says:

    Take some time to grieve and try not to think about the never questions. Take care of yourself.

  18. DD Says:

    Oh…god…no…

    I feel as if my heart deflated, your pain is so tangible.

    How I wish I could just whisk you away from the hurt and disappointment.

  19. Ellen K. Says:

    Oh, Beagle. I’m so, so sorry and sad for you… you’ll be in my thoughts. : (

  20. Leggy Says:

    Damn, damn, damn. I was so hoping it was going to work. Don’t want to invade your space right now but call or email if you want to talk or go out this weekend. I’m so, so sorry…

  21. MoMo Says:

    Oh Beagle…I am so sorry–I know there is nothing I can say to make things better…just want to say that I am thinking about you. Sending you a big hug.

  22. Meg Says:

    Oh Beagle. Sending love.

  23. Barely Sane Says:

    Oh Beagle – I am so terribly sorry. So so sorry.

    Hugs & Support,
    Kim

  24. Thalia Says:

    Ugh, I am really really sad. I was hoping very hard for you. There’s nothing else to say. Awful. Horrible.

    Give yourself some time,sweetie, to decide what you want to do next. Of course right now you are exhausted and defeated. After some recovery time you will have a better sense of what it means for the rest of this road.

    Thinking of you.

  25. DinosaurD Says:

    I’m so sorry. (Crap, this somehow just doesn’t say enough).
    DinoD

  26. soralis Says:

    I am so very sorry… I wish there was words.

    Sending you a big hug

  27. Lori Says:

    I’m so terribly sorry.

  28. Mary Ellen and Steve Says:

    Oh Beagle I am so so sorry. I wish that I could say something to ease your pain. Sending some big hugs your way.

  29. Kris Says:

    I am very sorry and very sad for you and all you are going through. It’s so unfair.

  30. Sarah Says:

    Dear Beagle, I am so, so sorry that this cycle didn’t work for you. I know that I haven’t been here very much, but I was so hoping for those frozen embies. I have no words that can take the pain or sadness away, but I’ll be here for you!! Take care.

  31. chloe Says:

    I am so sorry. IF definately takes a toll on the psyche, especially when it comes to age. You are YOUNG and I hope that soon you will feel that way again.

  32. PortLairge Says:

    I’m so, so sorry Beagle.

  33. serenity Says:

    Oh beagle. I just saw this – I am so fucking sorry about the BFN… heartbroken to hear this.

    I wish I had something more than words to offer you.

    *hug*

  34. annmarie Says:

    Damn…I hate this too, Beagle. I’m so sorry…just don’t disapper.

  35. amanda Says:

    Oh, I just wish it wasn’t so. I’m so very sorry. You’re in my thoughts.

  36. Erin Says:

    Another lurker, and I’m so very sorry.

  37. Hope548 Says:

    I’m so sorry this cycle was not successful and I hope you’ll soon find comfort.

  38. ms. c Says:

    So sorry and sad for you after reading you post. Thinking of you..

  39. Just another Jenny Says:

    Oh shit Beagle, I hate this too. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. Your in my thoughts.

  40. Chas Says:

    Crap, that really sucks. I don’t know what else to say. No woman should be denied motherhood, so I hope you try other avenues. As hard as you’ve worked for this baby, I think you’d be a great mom to ANY baby.

  41. seattlegal Says:

    Dammit! This just sucks! I am so incredibly sorry.

  42. r.a.w. Says:

    So sorry to hear your news. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I’m thinking of you and praying for you.

  43. My Reality Says:

    I am so sorry that this cycle didn’t work. This really sucks.

  44. katty Says:

    I’m very sorry. I completely understand.

  45. Rebecca Says:

    I’m just getting a chance to catch up on what’s going on with you. I am so incredibly sorry. I wish I could take this pain away for you, for all of us. My heart goes out to you. I’m thinking of you and offering cyberhugs…

  46. Lindy Says:

    Beagle, I can’t stand this. There are no words, but know that I am thinking about you and that my heart is breaking over your news.

  47. Maya Says:

    Beagle – So very sorry. The pain must be horrendous. Please really really pamper yourself. My heart really hurts for you.

  48. Sunnie Says:

    Sweet Beagle, I am so sorry you had to hit this part of your journey. *hug*

    We are here for you. Type away.

  49. Sunny Jenny Says:

    Dear Beagle…I am so sorry…please know that you’re in my heart.

  50. Lucy Says:

    So sorry to hear your news. I was hoping big hopes for you. Take good care of yourself.

  51. StellaNova Says:

    I will be 39 in May too. I always thought 36 would be a good age (by the time I actually got married to the right one).

    I know I will be a mother somehow, someday, but I so, so want it to be biologically ours. These things test us and hurt us and give us our strength.

    I hope yours supports you well.

  52. LB Says:

    Beagle, saddened and frustrated for you. Thinking about you and sending love and prayers.

  53. Millie Says:

    I’m just so very sorry. This is all just so unfair. I wish I could say something that would make a whit of a difference but I know that I can’t. I’m thinking of you and wishing the very best for you.

  54. the waiting line Says:

    I am so very sorry.

    Thinking of you.

  55. Angie Says:

    Oh Beagle, I’m so sorry. I’m incredibly sad for you. I am sending you some love via the internet! BIG HUGS!!

  56. Kerri. Says:

    I’ve been an anonymous lurky type for a few weeks now, but I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this difficult time. All the best to you both and I wish you peace.

  57. Alli Says:

    I am so sorry.

  58. pixi Says:

    Oh, Beagle, that’s so just so hard. I hate to think of what you must be going through. I so wish it weren’t this way.

  59. Ornery Says:

    Oh Beagle, I’m so sorry about the news and about sending out this comment so late. I so, so wanted you to have that happy ending. My heart goes out to you.

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