And the numbers are:

FSH = 2.9
E2 = 52

Nurse M says that is “really good.” I say it’s damn great for an old lady like myself. But, if it’s so great, where’s the baby you ask? Ummmmm . . . I was wondering that too!

So do you want the good news first or the bad news first?

Since I can’t decide quite how I feel about it all, they are one in the same. I am doing another IUI. F@llistim 125 iu nightly, starting 40 minutes ago and the next U/S Monday 7:15 am.

Right this minute I am OK with this choice. Ask me again in an hour or a day or a week. I may not be so sure then.

In the meantime I am reading the RES@LVE adoption packet my infertility counselor gave me. It can’t hurt to be prepared and it will give me something hopeful to focus on. And then, when C. comes around*, which I know he will, we’ll be ready to go. Given the usual dynamics of our couplehood, adoption, like infertility, will be mostly my job. (That was way too many commas!) I think in the case of adoption I won’t mind as much. Paperwork might be maddening, frustrating and lots of work, but it won’t be physically painful, hormonally driven, etc.

*I know C. WILL come around. If I would tell him today that I just can’t do another cycle, he would accept that. I’m just not sure, sometimes, when I should say when. But, it’s coming soon. That much I know. I can’t take much more in terms of failed treatment.

There’s a song that I can’t quote exactly or give credit to, but the lyrics go something like this: “I’m not afraid of falling, I just hate hitting the ground.” That is how I feel about infertility treatments at this point. I can endure an awful lot, physically, but I can’t take the emotional pain of failing any more. Hitting the ground is what depletes me.

So, wish me luck . . . but don’t expect a miracle. We can, however, hope for one.


9 Responses to “And the numbers are:”

  1. Bea Says:

    Ok, I’ll hope for one for you.


  2. annmarie Says:

    Good luck! Fingers crossed here…

  3. Starfish Says:

    I wish you lots of good luck. I definitely knew when it was time to stop, you’ll know too. I took charge of the adoption paperwork, and I think it helped me feel like I was back in control of getting a baby into the house.

  4. Thalia Says:

    That’s one hell of an FSH number you’ve got there. I hope this IUI is nice and un-stressy.

  5. JEN Says:

    beagle, I’m hoping for you too. I’m sorry this is so painful, it’s life altering in so many ways. I again am hoping that your dreams come true this round!!

  6. MoMo Says:

    Beagle-sending you lots and lots of luck! Thinking of you!

  7. Angie Says:

    DITTO all the others!

  8. LB Says:

    Just a note to let you know I’m thinking about you. I’ll never give up hope!

  9. Shop Girl Says:

    Good for you for picking yourself up and having the will and courage to give it another go. I will be thinking of you as you enter another cycle!

    Sounds like my hubby is similar to yours. He always needs time to process things until he’ll agree to a new approach or way of thinking. He needed a lot of time to process his diagnosis of azoospermia – and even more time to agree with donor insemination. But he got there. And the good news is – once he arrives at a decision, he doesn’t usually waffle about it. So as long as I can leave him alone and provide some gentle prodding here and there, he’ll make the journey and catch up to where my head’s at. Oh, and I’m definitely the handler of paperwork, too 🙂

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