Still Unclear

It’s still unclear whether I’m starting a cycle or sitting one out. It’s still unclear whether my medications will arrive in time. It’s still unclear whether I am crazy to still be doing this at all.

I am completely frustrated with my mail order pharmacy. I get some drug coverage so I may as well use it, the rest of my infertility fun is all out of pocket. BUT, the catch is, I have to use this mail order pharmacy that screws at least one thing up every time. I was nearly in tears yesterday trying to get someone to help me sort out the latest screw up. So, I am in limbo hoping there is a cooler box on my doorstep when I get home tonight. In fact I may run home at lunch to check.

As for my cd 3 ultrasound. It is another case of limbo. I have one fluid filled area on my left ovary that is 17mm which is the borderline measurement for going ahead vs canceling. They are not calling it a cyst because it is already in the breaking down stage. But there is no guarantee that the FSH injections wouldn’t cause it to enlarge. So my bloodwork will decide which way we go. Those results normally come in around 3pm. The tech had a name for this 17mm thing, but I can’t for the life of me think what term she used.

The tech was very kind today (even if she did use her usual 1/4 bottle of blue goo). She said (with true sincerity) “How are you holding up.” She said “I’m getting a bit worried about you”. I said “So am I”. She said a bunch of kind thoughtful things about how much I’ve been through, etc. I confessed that I was ready to move on to adoption but that my husband is not, so I keep going because I just can’t do nothing. She made sympathetic noises and wished me luck. Again.

On the blood work end of things, I got stuck THREE times today. They have float pool nurses again. I am usually very tolerant about this, but it also feels like just one more shitty thing to endure.

Boy, am I a bundle of joy and optimism today!

Anyway, this is a rather long-winded nonsensical post about nothing when what I really want to say is how much I hate this state of limbo. About how I don’t care about genes or being pregnant or experiencing childbirth and how I just want to parent a child. I am ready to switch gears and move on to adoption, but I need my husband to be OK with that of his own free will. So until that happens, I will endure this as well as I can. It’s just getting hard not to resent him in the process.

Infertility (I guess maybe I mean male factor) is a unique illness in many ways. For example, what other illness can you name where one person endures all the treatment for a physical issue that exists in another’s body. Donating a kidney maybe, that is the only other scenario I can think of where the healthy individual had to take the medications and undergo the surgery, procedure, or whatever. It’s not that I wish it on him, I love him too much to wish him this pain. It’s just that I’m tired of carrying the burden alone.

C., if you read this, even though you tell me that you don’t, I love you with all my heart. It’s just a very, very tired heart.


5 Responses to “Still Unclear”

  1. Starfish Says:

    I feel so bad for you because I have been exactly where you are with the uncertainty and frustration. In my case I can truly say I was happy when I stopped treatments.

    Do you know why your husband is not on board with the adoption yet? If you can narrow it down perhaps there are adoption programs that could work for him (and you of course, as they are all slightly different. If your husband ever wants to talk to mine about things, please let me know. He would keep things confidential if he has questions to ask. I know it’s hard for them to understand how hard this process is for us.

  2. DD Says:

    I know exactly what you mean: why is it I have the infertility blog, and write about my infertility but it’s MFI? It’s love, that much is clear.

  3. Lindy Says:

    I’m so sorry, Beagle. I can’t imagine how exhausted you are from all of this. And DD is right. It’s love.

    I hope that you and C are able to get on the same page before too much longer. It’s so hard when you’re not together in your responses to all this crap. But at the same time, it’s nearly impossible to be dealing with it in the same way at the same time.

    Thinking of you and wishing you good bloodwork results.

  4. annmarie Says:

    I understand Beagle. My husband and I were dealing with male factor as well and it’s just so exhausting to be treated for something we don’t have. I always wished I had some issue so that I had something concrete to battle. We were all set to start cycle 3, but I just did not have it in me. A long weekend talk resulted in a decision to adopt. My husband felt guilty because of his fertility issues and felt the need to do cycle after cycle. To him, adoption was about giving up. Now he believes otherwise. (And I must admit, I have never felt so free). I’m thinking your husband may feel the same. Talk with him…you are exhausted. Can your body take another cycle? Can your mind? I’m behind you no matter which direction you choose.

  5. Bea Says:

    Beagle… I don’t know what to say to this post. I really got a sense of the tiredness, the willingness to move on, the wanting to please C but wishing he’d get on the same page… not because you bullied him into it (because you love him too much for that) but because he’s ready to be there.

    I hope there is a resolution in your near future.

    You’ve got my admiration for the way you’re handling the relationship.


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