I guess that’s why they call it a rollercoaster

All these ups and downs.

My weekend was more up than down and for that I am grateful. C. and I were total homebodies. We puttered around with house (indoor and outdoor) projects. I made a bunch of pots. He helped me fire them. Most of them came out well, which is always a mood booster for me! I am not as ready as I’d like to be for my upcoming show, but I’m ready enough.

My ankle still plagues me, but I guess that’s to be expected. An ace wrap and my trusty bottle of advil are my current friends.

Speaking of friends, I still haven’t decided what to do about that nasty e-mail from three weeks ago. I am leaning towards nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is the best course of action. Sending a reply is tempting. It’s also sad, I mean it can’t be much of a loss to lose a friend like that but after 20+ years it seems sad just the same.

On the baby quest front: No O in sight. I am cd 19 and no O. No LH surge. Does this mean the metformin is not working or is it just too soon? I did have lots of that lovely EWCM the past two days, so maybe I am close. Who knows. We don’t exactly have a real chance of pregnancy without the help of science, so no huge loss there, but I’d like to at least have the option of trying another cycle of some kind and for that I need a damn period!

Speaking of metformin, every time I get ready to post that my body has adjusted to it, I have another “bad” day. I am on the full dose now (since Wednesday) and most days are pretty good. I have a “bad” day every three days or so. But, to clarify, I’ve never had another “bad” day like those first two or three days. Now a bad day means one or two unpleasant trips to the bathroom per day, not one or two per hour! So, overall, I feel “OK” on the full dose. Now to see if it actually helps anything . . .


On other baby quest fronts: I’ve been nudging C. to think about adoption. Gently at first, now more persistently. I need him to know that I don’t have many more medicated rounds left in me. I just can’t do this much longer. There are other ways to build a family. He’s agreed to attend a RESOLVE adoption info session next weekend. It’s time for us to start exploring other options.

Donor sperm or donor embryo have not been ruled out. In an ideal world we’d prefer either of these over adoption so that we can experience pregnancy, ensure good prenatal care and know our child from day one. But if we lived in a perfect world there would be no such thing as infertility in the first place. While our “known” problem is severe male factor, there is the unknown of an irregular ovulation thing thrown in on my side. Somehow because I am undergoing all the “treatment” I feel like I am the one that is broken. (Not that I am suggesting that C. is broken instead.) I’m not even sure I want to tackle donor conception at this point because it means more medical treatments in addition to the emotional issues involved.

Our other choice, to keep doing IUI with C.’s sperm and some chemical that “should” “help” “maybe” get rid of the antibodies after already failing IVF/ICSI x2 plus one FET . . . it seems, well . . . a bit silly. After all, if we by some miracle did get rid of all the antibodies, we still have sperm with very poor morphology in the “fixed” sample. So if you crunch the numbers, chances are really very slim here. But when they tell you there’s a chance, even a very slim one, you get sucked in by the HOPE.

Adoption has it’s own challenges, but at least it does not involve any more assaults on my poor body.

My point is that I feel somewhat broken physically (not to mention the emotional wounds) and I have lost faith in my body’s ability to do this pregnancy thing. Good sperm from a healthy donor aside, good embryo from a healthy couple aside, miracle with our own gametes aside, I feel too broken to make a baby. That is the sadness and the pain of infertility talking, not logic or reason. I know that. But still . . . adoption leads to a family. And I do NOT feel too broken to mother a child. If we persist with adoption, we WILL get a child. Not necessarily true for any ART path. Still, the possibilities are tempting . . . and ART does work . . . just look at all of you for whom it has. And then again, look at all of you for whom adoption has brought unimaginable joy.

So, there is a way . . . it’s just a matter of finding one’s way. I’m still looking, but I feel pretty sure I’ll find mine too.


16 Responses to “I guess that’s why they call it a rollercoaster”

  1. Leggy Says:

    Wow- good post. You are right that there is a way, but they are all hard slogs. Its like finding out that the 1/2 marathon you were running is really a full marathon, after you were already at mile 12.75 and nearly home (or so you thought). Finding the emotional energy to invest in another process is so damn hard.
    You are right, you have enough energy in reserve now. But will you after ART gives you a few more beatings? Its a tough choice to make. I hope you find ways to sort it out that work for both of you.

  2. Lut C. Says:

    You sure sound more up than down. šŸ™‚

    One of the toughest things about ART is knowing when to call it quits. I still have a couple of dice to roll, but I can see the issue looming.

    It’s good when you can think about some ways forward and talk about it with C.

  3. Starfish Says:

    I totally hear you on the hope thing. I definitely knew when I had enough though. I’m sure you will too. There are many options out there, I hope you and C find the right path for your circumstances soon.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    Well, obviously there is a way to go before a decision to take a new path is made. But I think it’s great he’s willing to explore options with you. Exploring options, even if you turn them down, is wonderful. That he’s willing to work together with you, look over alternatives, really find the path that suits and not just the path of least resistance – these are good things.

    Be waiting to find out where it all ends up.


  5. Mary Ellen and Steve Says:

    What a good post. I hope that you two are able to find a path that works for both of you. It certainly isn’t easy. Hugs.

  6. annmarie Says:

    I would totally do the donor sperm/egg thing if they could guarantee a baby. They couldn’t, and I was so tired of all the drugs and tests…so here we am adopting. It was not an easy decision and I had to lay things out for hubby. It’s a hard road. In time, you will know what to do. It will feel right.

  7. sube Says:

    Yes, there is a way. I hope you find the one that brings you happiness soon.

  8. Lucy Says:

    Not much to say except that I hope you continue to find your path through this stuff, and that the two of you can continue to hold hands and support each other as you walk it together.

  9. serenity Says:

    Excellent EXCELLENT post- thank you for this. I think that the decision to adopt is a process – one that isn’t always logical or rational.

    I know that you will both find your path. I am hoping that you both can come to a decision in which you are both comfortable.

  10. GLouise Says:

    I can relate to much of what you wrote about in this post… It is hard to know which direction to face sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I have too many options… IVF, adoption, etc….

  11. MoMo Says:

    What a great post..making the decision of what to do next is always hard, whatever you decide, I know that it will be the best for you and C.

  12. Kellie Says:

    We talked about adoption. My husband actually wanted to go to adoption early on, because he didn’t like seeing what failed cycle, after failed cycle did to me emotionally. I however, wanted badly to experience pregnancy.

    I don’t think there are any right or wrong answers, just what is right for you and your husband to build your family. We did donor egg, because of my age and we were very lucky and it worked. (this is after failed IUI’s and IVF cycles).

    Good luck in whatever you decide.

  13. steph Says:

    I think a lot of us would go the donated route; IF ‘they’ could assure success, which ‘they’ can’t. Everyone takes a different path and feels differently to some degree. I think it’s wonderful that you’re open to discussing all of the options so that you have time to really think about them all together.

  14. Thalia Says:

    What an interesting and thought-provoking post, thank you. I think finding the way often involves just taking lots of small steps, rather than making huge decisions. But maybe in this case I’m wrong. I’m looking forward to hearing about your way, once you find it.

  15. Kath Says:

    Dear Beagle, I hope you find your way too. And I wish it weren’t so very difficult.

  16. Kristi Says:

    It sounds like C is slowly coming around to the idea of adoption, which is fantastic. You’re right: adoption leads to having a child, and really, the ultimate goal is parenthood for both you and C, right? IF is a horrible road to travel, and you’re one of the strongest people I “know.” And reaching that point where you switch courses from ART to adoption will take all that strength and courage. If and when you do, we’ll all be with you to support you every step of the way. And your IF sisters will be cheering the loudest when one way or the other, you finally become a mother.

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