Blogger’s block

I have just not been in the mood to blog. I was so consumed with the show thing and making my wares that this month kind of got away from me. Thank you all, by the way, for your kind comments about my work. I am contemplating an etsy shop. We’ll see.

Now I am so behind on infertility blogging that I don’t even know where to start and the thought of catching up wears me out! I have also had this silly idea that I am no longer readable. IUI is just not as interesting as IVF and people would rather read something interesting. Maybe Adoption will be more interesting . . .

Two days after writing this chirpy post, I realized that I had spoken too soon. My period showed up and then suddenly I KNEW what cd it was! The good news is that my cycle was 32 days on metformin. This is getting pretty close to “normal.”

The bad news is, well, obviously I am not pregnant. And the relevance of it all? Is there any? Is having a shorter cycle going to change anything? Likely not.

Now what?

I am doing a cycle right now. Why? Because I like pain? I don’t know why. Because the drugs were already in my fridge? Because I need a reason to cry over the holidays? My IUI will be Friday and my beta will be the week after turkey day. I have a lot to say about T-giving but will save that for a separate post.

Well, I had already decided to go ahead and send in an application to the adoption agency just prior to AF’s arrival. So I am going ahead with that. C.’s schedule will allow for no days off until after the holidays so we can’t actually “do” much, but I figure if I at least send in our application it gets the ball rolling and we can jump right in come January.

I have been wanting to write about my feelings about adoption for some time now, but they are still too muddled for words in many ways. It’s not so much that I’m not excited about the possibilities that adoption offers, it’s more about being too tired to be excited about anything at all. I spoke at length with our counselor about this yesterday. I go between reminding myself that there are options and choices but then I get all stuck on being upset at having to choose from a menu of really difficult and really expensive family building means. So while I am grateful that I am not at a complete dead end, I resent that I have to go so far above and beyond “normal” to have a chance at something most people take for granted and get to have easily (a family). But bitterness will not lead to motherhood. All I can do is forge ahead and choose the option that is most appealing (or least upsetting). Either way it’s just so hard!

I have really struggled with some of the adoption issues. First and foremost that C. and I disagree on domestic vs international. He is dead set on domestic and I was dead set against it. After investigating it all a bit more (and realizing that if I want to do this then I had better let go of some of my more limiting ideas.) I have made my peace with the idea of domestic. This is not to say that there are not things about it that bother me or scare me silly, but I think I can manage to work through them. I’ve been thinking a lot about the pregnant women who choose to place their babies for adoption and how hard this must be. It puts what is hard about this at my end, into perspective. I have also tried to imagine it all from the child’s perspective five or ten years down the road. I believe open adoption is a good idea, it is just putting it into actual practice that I struggle with. We 100% plan to tell the child their story, their history. We are 100% willing to send yearly photos and updates in the form of a letter to the birth mother. Where we both get really uncomfortable is when the issue of a yearly visit comes up. This bothers and scares me on so many levels. Can we really do it? Would choosing a lesser degree of openness limit the number of birth mothers that would consider us? (The social worker at the agency says yes.) Then there is that. Being chosen (or rejected). How will we handle all of that after the emotional pain of infertility treatment failure? Am I up for that? How will we fund all this? We have spent in excess of $45K on failed treatements and now we are facing another $25K+ to adopt. Then of course we have the usual finanacial adjustment of enlarging our family. Everyone harps on how expensive raising a child is these days. Yes, well, I was prepared for that. I was not prepared to be $70K poorer before we even buy the first pack of diapers or a crib or a stroller!

Then there is the waiting aspect. Some of youmight have notived that I am not a patient woman. The 2ww seems like an agony to me. But the adoption wait can be 2 years! How will I cope with that? I can’help but do the math and freak out about the fact that I may be well into my 40th or 41st year before I hold a baby in my arms. (There are worse things!) The thought of never holding one at all is just not an option for me.

I want to clarify that that it is the process of adoption that feels uncomfortable to me. I know full well that I will love whatever child we end up parenting. I have no “second choice” type feelings about parenting an adopted child. But the process is definitely NOT my first choice. It is not my first choice to be evaluated, scrutinized, marketed, chosen, rejected, etc.

I also have some very unsettled feelings about the sense of baby buying that comes with some of this. They emphasized over and over that the money is for the services, the counseling, the legal fees, etc. But then why are African American kids “discounted”? A mixed race adoption needs the same counseling and legal work, does it not? Yet it cost half as much. It made me a little ill to see the different fee schedules for a less wanted ethnicity. It all just makes me cry inside. It also makes me cry inside that in order for me to be a mother, another woman has to give her baby away. I need to make my peace with that. It is a very difficult thought to come to terms with.

I hope this ramble offends no one. I am simply trying to sort through my thoughts here. It is all very simple on some levels and so very complex on others.

Above all, I need to make peace with the fact that I have to do this at all. I still haven’t made my peace with our infertility. That my beautiful strong healthy husband makes antibodies that kill his own sperm, that despite medical technology helping us have what look like good embryos, the IVF’s and FET didn’t work. That maybe my body can’t sustain a pregnancy even though they can’t find an actual problem with it. It all looks so helpless, and even so, I continue treatments.

I am not sure how to find my way through all of this. I am sure I will find my way, but right now the fog is still pretty thick. I realize that this post is a very glass half empty sort of post. It’s where I am right now.

See this post for an interesting take on the glass half full!

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10 Responses to “Blogger’s block”

  1. Starfish Says:

    I think the best thing I can say to you right now is that all of your feelings are valid. We’ve all been there and it is very frustrating and overwhelming. The days right after we stopped treatment were very hard times. I felt totally in limbo. In time though, I processed and reprocessed all of my feelings and eventually came to terms with my infertility, and made decisions on adoption that I was comfortable with. Some things still don’t sit totally right with me, but I think I’ve made the best choices under the circumstances. Perhaps you can talk to people who have already adopted both domestically and internationally and ask them tons of questions. Keep blogging, that helps too.

  2. Heather Says:

    The only thing that bothered me about this post is when you said that you hoped adoption would make your blog more interesting. Don’t you know we don’t care – we read because we care about YOU Beagle.

    I think all of those questions are hard and that it is a process. You have to grieve and make hard choices. I don’t think people who flippantly say “just adopt” realize how hard it is.

    I hope you don’t have to wait two years.

  3. GLouise Says:

    Hi Beagle- I have thought about much of what you mention today….

    Oh, and I also wanted to answer the question you left in my comments….The author of the “infertility cure” book is not my personal acupuncturist. But I wish she was! 🙂

    Wishing you all the best,
    GL

  4. Anonymous Says:

    Well, next time someone mentions adoption to me, I have the post to answer them. I can’t give you any advice about the fog – mine is just as thick when it comes to adoption issues. But, like you, I know you can get through it.

    Bea

  5. Mary Ellen and Steve Says:

    Trying to figure out next steps is so damn difficult. My thoughts are with you.

    Good luck with this cycle.

  6. Leggy Says:

    Wow- lots going on in your brain lately. I admire you for having the stamina to do both processes at the same time.

    Do you read PithyDithy? Before their FET worked, they had planned to do an adoption of an African-American infant. She has a lot of great posts in her archives about some of the issues (mainly that they live in lily-white Vermont). Also Dawn at This Woman’s Work has an African-American daughter she adopted.

    Good luck to you, in both processes. It is very hard.

  7. steph Says:

    I was just commenting on this very topic of blogging after stopping treatments.
    Let me say for me, now that we’re moving on to foster/adopt, I am more interested in other people’s happily ever after afters. The stories after the story seems to have ended. The fairytale ending when real life kicks in.
    I think it’s fair to ask all these questions about adoption. There are a lot of choices. Of course, if you’re like me you’re sick of making choices and just want a baby already, but this is the burden we now carry….

    I don’t think I will ever really be ok with not having a biological child. But I’m ok with that. I consider it mental multitasking. I can be happy and excited about one thing and sad and depressed about the other. Just as long as I regain some sense of control, I guess!

    And don’t forget about foster/adopt. You may be able to have a baby or a toddler sooner then you would on the newborn private adoption waiting list. Just a thought (0:

  8. Barely Sane Says:

    Oh Beagle… your blog is interesting no matter what you write about. IUI, IVF, adoption or everyday stuff – it’s all part of who you are and who you will become.

    The adoption decisions are a landmine. Remember having to make the same choices regarding IF? In the beginning, you draw this imaginary line in the sand as to what you are willing to do and how much you are willing to spend. But that line moves, it changes and sometimes it gets wiped out all together. It’s an every changing process.

    Maybe you’ll adopt, maybe you wont. Maybe it’ll be domestic, maybe international. But whatever choice you make, it’ll be well thought out after weighing all the pro’s and con’s. Because like every decision, there is ALWAYS a flip side.

    Good luck on your upcoming IUI. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it here, IF treatments are like crack. Once you start, they are oh so hard to stop. But that’s ok. Sometimes that persistance pays off!

    Fingers crossed for ya.

  9. Thalia Says:

    Thank you for sharing your thinking process, it’s incredibly helpful. For me I’ve learnt so much about adoption through various blogs, even though my godmother has 2 adopted children. I think it is a field full of landmines in a different way than infertility treatment, but I know that you will be able to navigate them. We’ll be here either way.

  10. Lucy Says:

    Don’t worry about what you’re blogging about – just keep blogging. I don’t care if it’s IUI or IVF or adoption or pregnancy or surrogacy or what. I think we all just like to read about how you’re doing, no matter what the process is. Plus we like to see your art – so keep posting pictures of your gorgeous creations.

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