Serving up a main course of sadness(and other bullshit observations)

If you’re busy or in a good mood, skip this post. It is not reflecting one of my finer moments. I just need to vent my excess negativity. Other than the fact that this shit still haunts me, disproportionate to it’s actual relevance in my life, I am actually not in a “bad” place rght now. C. and I had an interesting weekend and I will blog about that too, later! Why later? Because I can’t form a clear thought until I clear this crud out of my brain.

Remember the best friend letter? Well, I did send her a reply. (I know, stupid, stupid, stupid!) I did wait about five weeks so that I could write a fair and non-hostile reply at least.

And as thanks for my trouble, here is the reply I got from her. Is it just my unbalanced “diet,” my incredibly foggy lenses . . . or is she mainly writing so she can announce her pregnancy? She “apologizes” by blaming anything and everything on time and distance, on my provoking her, on who knows what.

I still feel like she still just doesn’t get how and why living through infertility makes a person sad and colors ones view of the world.

I feel like such an ass that this still bothers me as much as it does but it has really, really gotten under my skin. I just cannot understand why she can’t understand and why on top of that she has to be so fucking cruel.

So here is her note to me with my internal commentary in blue. Again, feel free to skip this post. I just need to write it for my own sake. I don’t want to pollute anyone with my negativity! It’s just that the hurt and anger are making my head ache.

Hi there,

Let’s just start out by acknowledging that Email isn’t the best way to communicate all the time. It’s not E-mail’s fault you that called me an asshole. Unfortunately, it is what we are pretty much limited to. Um, do you own a phone? It’s great for keeping in touch, but I think we both have forgotten that we send and read messages that are only a temporary reflection of our own reality. You may not realize how much venting and negatively focused messages you have sent to me over the last few years. (My e-mail account saves two years worth by the way and less than 25% of what I sent her was sad, or negative or even remotely infertility related.) I’m not criticizing, really? just pointing this out. how helpful of you On the other hand, I know that I have screened my messages to not include too much negative maybe that’s because your life is going along pretty smoothly, in order to not burden you further you are SO thoughtful! –to the detriment of better communication. Of course, there have been exceptions to this (Like the time you called me an asshole?), but I think that this might be the general gist of things. As a result, you don’t necessarily know where I am really coming from (my own fault), (wow, she admits something is her own fault??) and I don’t really know where you truly are at. now that is a fucking understatement! As a result, we end up miscommunicating and hurting each other. (How have I hurt you exactly??)

I’m sorry that my letter hurt you. Because of the hurt I felt at your previous message, the one that seemed to say this friendship was over (I said no such thing, I did say that I was tired of putting all the effort into maintaining it. Oh, and so it’s MY fault you called me as asshole? I provoked you to say it? Wow.) I think I overreacted. Is this her way of saying she’s sorry she called me an asshole and telling me I needed to me hospitalized for suicidal behavior that I was not exhibiting?? We have both said hurtful things, again, I ask, what hurtful thing did I say? and I know that I regret that. My intent has always been to support you (by denying that infertility is real and painful and making it all about you, all the time?) and I apparently misread your situation. I’m happy to know that things are better than I had assumed (referring to my not being suicidal as she has thought, in her professional opinion) and I hope that things continue to go well right, because things are going SO well for me. But you have to know that, when it seems that meals are generally served with a main course of sadness and frustration (as I largely take your Emails for quite some time now), with occasional side dishes of ‘doing better,’ it is hard for me to know what is really going on. Um . . . I’m enduring three years worth of fertility hell, that’s what’s “going on” and I’m sorry that you can’t see that my life has been a main dish of sadness and in a real friendship expressing that honestly would be expected, not judged as too negative. So I, mistakenly (again, did you mistakenly call me an asshole??) and unfortunately hurtfully, responded.

We have both been wrong and been wronged (I still don’t get how I have wronged you, you selfish bitch) …just a side effect of time and distance? (Good idea, blame your inability to be a friend on geography!) I don’t know. I know you don’t want to hear the excuses from my end, which is fine. I do want you to know that I am pregnant (no surprise) and it sucks to tell you this way (what “way” is that?) and I hate that I am telling you at this moment. (What “moment” exactly??) But, so it goes. I can’t undo not telling you sooner, which I would like to have done. (Right, but the infertile girl can’t handle it?) I really hope that you are pregnant too, (Wow, you ARE delusional!) if not today, then very soon. If the magic genie (there is no fucking genie!) showed up tomorrow, that is the first of my three wishes, more than anything else. (Right, because you are so selfless.)

I’m sorry for hurting you…it’s not what I ever intended (So what DID you intend to accomplish by calling me an asshole?) I wish you well and would like to try to improve our communication and rescue this friendship, if you are open to it. Perhaps we will enter a new dynamic (psycho babble bullshit?) one that is better than before (It can’t actually get much worse). Meanwhile, take good care of yourself and know that I still have love for you. (Please feel free to take your version of “love” and stick it up your high and mighty arse!)

Are my lenses really that foggy?? Or is she just a self absorbed, self important bitch?

To be clear, I may be jealous of anyone who can get pregnant while I cannot. But I am not upset with her for announcing a pregnancy. That is not what hurts. What hurts is her utter lack of empathy and compassion for my loss, for my pain, for what C. and I have been through. I am mourning the loss of our fertility, our biological child, our hopes and dreams of creating a family the way most everyone else does. I am recovering from intensive, costly, difficult treatments. Three years worth. Is it so hard to understand why my e-mails are not full of “fun” themes?? Besides, she kept asking whether this or that worked yet. What should I have done? Lied and pretended I was pregnant when I was not just so she could read “happy” e-mails? Saying I am not pregnant when I want to be is negative by defination.

I realize (honestly I do) that this is futile. I just can’t stand the idea that she thinks our friendship ended because I am sad that she is pregnant. Or even that I am sad that I am not pregnant (I am sad but it has nothing to do with her). The friendship ended because she cannot empathize. It ended because she has no compassion. It ended because she called me an asshole and can’t bring herself to apologize. It ended because living through a life crisis teaches you who your friends are. Thankfully each and every one has been supportive except for her. And is it really such a great loss? No. I will not miss her. I think I just have some stubborn need to “make her see” that she is wrong in all her shitty assumptions about me.

I don’t want to be friends with anyone who thinks I am an asshole. Especially not when that person IS the asshole. Even so, I would never tell her that to her face. That is the difference between she and I. I don’t go out of my way to kick people when they are down. Instead I drive my own self crazy with the frustration of dealing with the likes of her.

I am pissed off at her that is true, but I am much more pissed off at myself for letting her get to me the way she has. When will I ever learn that life is not always fair? When will I learn that not everyone strives to be kind or fair or do the “right” thing? Some people have “issues” that render them unable to be reasonable. I need to let it go but my mind is stuck obsessing over it. Part of me does want to respond with “go to hell” but the better part of me refuses to stoop to her level.

Now . . . How do I stop obsessing over this ridiculous non-“friendship”??


18 Responses to “Serving up a main course of sadness(and other bullshit observations)”

  1. DD Says:

    It’s not the loss of the “friendship” that you are upset about, and you know that. Letting someone else have the final word, and when it’s completely inaccurate, is frustrating on a million levels.

    She’s an asshat. She’s a twit. She’s venom. Count yourself lucky you can walk away without having to look at her stupid face again.

  2. Josie Says:

    I hate her. Perhaps she would get a long with a former good friend of mine who is also known as the friend who told me that she could not be around infertile me when she was pregnant because this was a happy time for her and I am just a downer.

    I am sorry she is pg. If she was really interested in “fixing” things with you she would have apologized and waited for another setting to tell you the news. She obviously doesn’t get it and I don’t think she is worth your time. Keep her around if you want someone to hate but if not this one may be best left to fizzle out.

  3. zhl Says:

    It does sting a lot, even when you know that you are better off without that person as a *friend*. I’ve had it happen too, and it sucks. Sorry. She’s the asshole.

  4. Lut C. Says:

    Nothing you say will make the blinders fall off her eyes. Maybe, just maybe, she will learn to empathize when she goes through a hardship of her own. Of course, you wouldn’t wish hardship on anyone, would you? (Don’t answer that).

    I would like to think that I was able to empathize with others before all this, but I’m sure my skill has improved over the last years.

  5. GLouise Says:

    Oh sweetie, sorry to read all of this. With friends like this….

  6. Starfish Says:

    She doesn’t get it and apparently never will. I had a “friend” like that, and it’s still hard to accept our friendship is over, but it is. Surround yourself with those who do “get it”. Nothing you say will make her understand any of your rational, sane, completely correct points. So just stop dealing with her. It’s only making you crazy. She’s an asshole, you’re not. End of story. What is the point of salvaging the friendship? What could you ever hope to regain from your relationship?

    Oh, and stop apologizing for being negative. First, you’re not, and Second, even if you were, it’s your blog and that’s what it’s there for.

  7. Anonymous Says:

    People like her make me so damn angry… wanting to scream everything I’m feeling until I’m blue in the face. To beat the ground (or her) with my fists until she GETS it. How can she be so fucking stupd and selfish??? Argh.

    So I get where you’re at with her, Beagle. Trust me.

    But you’re right. She isn’t worth it. And that you’re taking the high road and not responding “go to hell, psycho bitch” like I would says a lot.


  8. Leggy Says:

    Like others have said- with friends like this, who needs enemies. I’m sorry she’s such a jerk and doubly sorry she’s pregnant and you are still in limbo. Life is so damn unfair sometimes.

  9. Anonymous Says:

    wow. Seems pretty clear that she is shallow and selfish. So what if 100% of what you sent her over recent years has been sad? True friends would have embraced you during this time.

    This letter sounds like an attempt at an apology from someone who really doesn’t think she was wrong, but is trying to skirt around an apology so she can appear to have the upper hand. It’s manipulative.

    I believe that there are some relationships that last forever and some that don’t. People’s lives take different paths, and people grow apart. She’s clearly not capable of understaning where you are at right now. And think trying to make her understand is going to be an uphill and fruitless battle. I think you just have to let it go, and let her go. She doesn’t matter.

  10. Anonymous Says:

    Dear friend,

    With each email it becomes clearer and clearer to me that you grossly underestimate the depth and tragedy of what we are going through. The fact I don’t need to be hospitalised for suicidal tendencies is a triumph of my spirit as a human being. It’s not because *things* are “better”. It’s because, at the moment, we are both bloody heroes.

    What I want is for you to acknowledge how big this is, to stop making assumptions about how I am or should be reacting, or how I might want to be treated. I don’t expect you to “get it”. But although you pay lip service to “not knowing what we’re going through” the rest of your writing carries on as if you think you do.

    I want to be talked to, you know – like a friend. Like we used to talk together. I want you to drop me a line, out of the blue sometimes. To just, you know, chat about the weather.

    I realise it’s a difficult task for you to be friends with me, but I didn’t think it was impossible. At the moment each exchange just makes me more and more convinced I’ve been wrong. The fact is, if our friendship has been difficult for you – and I accept that it has – then spare a thought for the difficulties we have faced, every day, for the last three years. And humble yourself, before life does it for you.


  11. Lucy Says:

    Because of all of this infertility crap, I lost a really good friend in March (although it all started going downhill in January). It’s now almost December and it still hurts to think about the friendship. It hurts less, though. So maybe time will continue to help me put things in perspective. And maybe time will help in your case, too. I don’t know that it ever completely goes away, though.

  12. Thalia Says:

    She’s never going to get it. Much as Bea’s letter is straight down the line genius, she is still not going to get it. Continuing this correspondance is making you more, not less, upset. It’s hurting you, not her. So I say stop it and just accept that she’s not getting it and nothing you can do will make her get it.

  13. Ellen K. Says:

    UGH. Why was I not surprised to find a terse pregnancy announcement thrown in there?

    Ditto Carol. And I like Bea’s sample letter, too.

  14. Beagle Says:

    Thanks everyone! I like Bea’s letter and I also think everyone is right, I just need to end the back and forth. It won’t get better and it could get worse. Time to move on. Venting here really helped!

  15. Robin Says:

    As my husband would accurately say:
    FUCK HER!!!! Her loss Babe, you don’t neeed this kind of bullshit.

  16. OHN Says:

    I had a similar experience. After my first miscarriage ( #1 of 4), when I got home from the hospital my “friend” that had known all about our infertility struggles, came popping into the house all smiles and announced she was pregnant–I was still in pain physical and emotional and she had NO CLUE. I decided at that moment that I deserved better friends than that.

  17. Barely Sane Says:

    Ahhhh! Your post sounds EXACTLY like what I went thru over the summer with the Wonder Dummy. And you are SO SO SO right – it’s not that she got pg or can get pg. It’s that her whole mentality is “I didn’t do anything wrong so why should I be punished” but in the meantime, she is punishing YOU! You didn’t do anything wrong, you just needed a shoulder to cry on. Not someone to give advice or assvice, just a person to listen quiety and give your feelings the validity they deserve.
    But she didn’t do that any more than the Wonder Dummy did for me. And sometimes you just gotta let it be. It took me a long time to let go of the day to day inner struggle on losing a ‘friendship’. But it doesn’t send me over the edge anymore like it used to – time maybe? I just dont know.
    Keep venting as long as you need to. And dont forget – silence (aka no reply to her post) can be the biggest last word of them all. You’ve done your part… if she wants to maintain a friendship, she’ll try again. If not, I dont think it’s a big loss on your part.

  18. Baby Blues Says:

    Just move on. Friendships that weigh us down aren’t worth keeping. There are friends who come and go, and those who stay, but remember that there are still good friendships that haven’t even started. So don’t dwell on those not worthy of your emotional investment. Find comfort in those who understand where you are, because it’s tough enough dealing with it.

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