Ode to my troll

Last week someone left me an anonymous comment in response to my reference to “better” laws in terms of adoption and parental rights relinquishment. (Note: I had better in quotes for a reason in the first place!) Some states have long waiting periods during which the birth parents can change their minds and take the baby back. Other states have no waiting period or a very short waiting period after which there is no turning back for simply “changing your mind.” (If there is some real and valid reason the birth parent always has rights to fair treatment and this is a good thing). The anonymous poster’s comment to me went something like this: “Better for who? Try thinking about someone other than yourself for a change.” Apparently I am selfish for wanting to adopt and not have the child taken away after we have begun to bond.

First off, I always welcome thoughtful and respectful disagreement with any ideas I post here but if you can’t even leave a fictional name with your nasty comment, you are a coward and what we call a “troll.”

Secondly, why do these sorts of people even read infertility blogs?? Go away! We have enough pain in our lives. Surely you can find a better use for your time.

Lasty . . . My thoughts on why longer waiting periods for parental rights relinquishment in adoption are not in anyone’s best interest . . . least of all the child’s:

A woman or a couple should NEVER place a baby for adoption if they are not 100% sure that the decision is the best plan for them AND their baby. Forever. Adoption is not daycare. It is forever. Adoptive parents are not evil baby-buying selfish sorts. They are loving people who want to be parents. The child is the most vital part of the adoption triangle and a birth parent placing a child only to reclaim it days or weeks or months later does the child the least good of all. No one is out there forcing women to give their babies away. (For anonymous posters with mean things to say: please educate yourselves before you make such cruel and ignorant remarks as to attack prospective adoptive parents.)

I for one do not want to adopt a child who’s birth parent(s) is/are able and willing to parent the baby herself/themselves. If all I thought about was myself then adoption would be about the last thing in life I would pursue. If all I thought about was myself then I would not have put myself through three years of infertility treatment. Mel wrote a great post about why IVF is not selfish either. Apparently people are concerned enough about this topic that it gets pretty many google hits.

Just my thoughts for today.

I am not selfish, I want to be a Mom, that’s true. Mothering is not a selfish act and having to work this hard to be one is pretty much the opposite of selfish.

I guess I’ve been pretty lucky that I’ve only had one or two trolls in my blogging career!

Note: all comments CAN be deleted. All ugly, unfair or uncalled for comments WILL be deleted.

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13 Responses to “Ode to my troll”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    I guess I’ll just never understand the troll mentality. Don’t agree – that’s fine but why try to make that person feel like shit? Just don’t read their post or blog – don’t troll! It makes me so mad. It is so much easier to disagree and put another point of view with tact than to troll.

  2. GLouise Says:

    Hi sweetie- I did not see your troll comment. I wish that people would not post anonymously!

    Funny that this topic of the revocation period would come up on your blog, as it is also a hot topic on one of the adoption boards I visit from time to time.

    It’s also interesting that the word “selfish” comes into your post. The most I research adoption, I often end up feeling quite guilty and “selfish” for wanting a healthy newborn vs. an older child or one with special needs. I believe that more people SHOULD consider adopting older babies or those with special needs. And perhaps I am one of those people. But is it wrong for me to want what everyone else on the planet desires at some point in life? A healthy child?

    🙂

    Hang in there!

  3. Barely Sane Says:

    Ahh yes, the minefield of adoption. So much stuff to agree or disagree about but really, everything in life has 2 sides. I’m sure if your nasty troll agreed with you on something s/he would’ve never bothered to post.

    Most people with such a strong opinion have never lived the situation. Even after all the hoopla we went thru, I’m still not sure where I stand on the whole thing.

    But there does come a point where the adoption must become final. For everyone’s sake. How can a birthparent even begin to heal if there is always the looming thought in the back of their mind: “I can still get my baby back.” And how can the adoptive parent bond! That is not good for anyone, especially the child.

    I know in Canada there is much more emphasis on openess in adoption. Again, 2 sides to that coin. But I think the one thing it allows is the birthparent the ability to see that the child is happy and healthy and living the life the birthparents dreamed.

    Of course, ask me in a few months or years and my opinion may have changed. But that will be because I will be living the experience and educating myself. Not because I’m some stupid troll making an off the cuff remark.

    And most of all, adoptive and birthparents are some of the least selfish people in the world. It’s not an easy process for anyone and the ultimate result is putting the child first. Because really, that’s what it’s all about. The child.

    Personally, I think you’ve had some very insightful thoughts about adoption. You are not scared to voice your fears, which is very important. And your opinions matter because it’s you and only you that has to live your life.

    No matter what, you’ll make a great mom.

  4. DD Says:

    What hurts the process of adoption is that because of it’s state by state regulation, no one feels they are being treated fairly. I have to admit my biggest fear when it comes to domestic adoption is the bmom/parents changing their minds. I try to convince myself that it’s better for the bparents to raise their child, but then I counter myself with if they had that moment of indecision now, what’s to stop them from doing it later and wishing they didn’t have the child?

    It’s a process fraught with problems, and the person who has the most to lose is the child.

  5. Hopeful Mother Says:

    I read Mel’s post about selfishness the other day, and I totally agree with you both.

    How anyone could accuse an infertile going through IVF or adoption as selfish is beyond me! We just want what everyone else wants (without realling mulling it over) a healthy child to raise and parent. Funny how it is not selfish when a fertile wants to have a child, but an infertile is called selfish for wanting the same thing and having to sacrifice so much more to *possibly* achieve it?

    You will be an awesome mom, Beagle. No doubt about it.

  6. Kath Says:

    Dear Beagle, that was a good and thought-provoking post. And I agree — that word “selfish” should be banned from these sorts of discussions, because it always seems to be used as a bludgeoning tool. If adoption is anything, it is complex and needs to be approached in a thoughtful manner, which is exactly what you are doing.

    And to put a very silly spin on this — look on the bright side: trolls mean you have truly “arrived” as a blogger!

  7. Josie Says:

    Great post! I kept reading and agreeing and I got so excited I ate my lunch way to fast. Even though those nasty trolls exist, connections like this are why we blog. I agree with you in every aspect of your e-mail and I want to thank you for letting me know that I am not crazy for feeling this way.

    BTW, we are so “afraid” of the bmom taking back the baby that we went to international. We all have our reasons for what we do and no troll can tell us what is right or wrong.

  8. annmarie Says:

    You will be a mom and your journey is not a selfish one. I can write paragraphs here, but I’d be reiterating what everyone else has said. In the end, you do what’s best for you…screw these trolls.

  9. Anonymous Says:

    I will never understand what prompts someone to say such cruel things to someone who is hurting so much. Don’t they have anything else to do? I am sorry that you had to deal with that.

  10. The Town Criers Says:

    Couldn’t agree with you more. Selfish is when a troll only thinks about having her own thoughts heard rather than how the receiver is feeling hearing those words…

  11. Anonymous Says:

    Some people have absolutely nothing better to do other than to harass others and kick them while they are down. I love the fact that you addressed it head on (don’t quote that cheesy commercial) on your blog. Blaaaggghhh to trolls!!!

  12. My Reality Says:

    It is people’s ignorance that makes all of this so difficult from fertility treatment to adoption.

    As an adopted infertile, it has been made very clear how unselfish my parents were for adopting me. As I look more towards adoption, I only hope I can be as unselfish as they were.

    This is a very insightful post and I hope your troll goes to hell.

  13. Anonymous Says:

    sorry that person tried to make you feel bad. nobody deserves that. how anyone can think that adoption is selfish, is totally beyond me. wanting to be a parent is one of the least selfish things a person can do.

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