It was real to me (edited)

However fleeting, it’s the only pregnancy** I’ve ever had. Call it chemical if you must, but I prefer to call it real. But now I have to call it gone.

**Whatever the various lab charts say, if there was HCG, however fleeting and minimal, there was an embryo (created on it’s own without a lab or a scientist’s skill) that made it to my uterus and implanted far enough, long enough, to make that 4 mIU/ml of HCG.

However, in the end, I am left where I always am at the end of a hope-filled cycle . . . crying into my empty arms.

***Edited to add:

Forgive my self pity. I’ve turned the comments on, I just wasn’t in a place were (while I appreciate and need your support) I could handle all the sympathy because I feel like such a puddle of pity already on my own. Not sure if that makes sense. Chemical pregnancy is a legitimate term, commonly accepted etc. It is also a form of early miscarriage and that is where my head is right now and however tiny the hope was, the loss is very real for me and I’m having a lot of trouble with it because I want to “want to” move on to adoption but I also have reservations about domestic adoption and all it’s issues of openness, but it’s the only route my husband will consider. This “pregnancy” has me wondering how much more of my life I should waste trying for a biological child. It is possible to pursue both, but I personally don’t have the energy to do it. I barely have the energy to do one or the other.

I am pathetic. Even through my fog, I know that. But we all have different capacities for just how much we can take and I think I have reached my limit.

Thanks for understanding and if you don’t, thanks for trying to! It means a lot.

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21 Responses to “It was real to me (edited)”

  1. GLouise Says:

    Hi sweetie–take all the time you need to grieve this loss.

    I personally don’t like the term “chemical pregnancy.” Wishing you all the best.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    I’m so sorry Beagle. It was real – even if only for a little while. Take your time. I’m here for you Sweetie.
    Much love.

  3. Josie Says:

    I am truly sorry for your loss – no need to justify anything about your feelings – they are legitimate.

    Our miscarriage a few years back left us hanging – we had hope (however false in hindsight) that we could get pg again and that has been what led us down the path to all the ART we pursued. Without that pg we probably would have moved onto adoption right away. I hate that when considering the next steps we always say to ourselves – but it happened at least once.

    I am sorry about your loss and I wish you well as you decide what to do next.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    ((((beagle)))) I know the sort of domestic adoption questions that you are facing (as we did choose domestic adoption). Adoption really makes you get to know yourself and your spouses and belief system and morals.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Oh Beagle – that totally sucks. You may remember that I had a chemical pregnancy as well, and I always hated that term. So scientific…and it took me a good couple of months to drag myself out of the sad abyss I was in. I still visit this abyss even now.

    Don’t forget to let yourself feel sorry for yourself, sad, mad, whatever (like you’ll need to remind yourself to feel these things!) It’s all part of this sucky process.

    When I’m feeling down about all this stuff, I sometimes picture myself at some point in the future, looking back at this time with a happy heart and with a baby/child finally in my arms. Perhaps it’s too early for you to do this yet, but I just wanted to share this little tactic that has provided me with some comfort.

    Hugs! You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

  6. Lut C. Says:

    Who are you calling pathetic? If you’re pathetic, we all are.

    Your feelings of sadness and self-pity are perfectly legitimate. You’ll find a way through them, there’s no alternative.

    I wasn’t suggesting that pursuing both ART and adoption is the best way to go. All any of us can do is choose the way we think is best for us.
    It’s a sign of self-knowledge that you know you have to choose on or the other. Whatever you decide, I hope you’re content with it in the long run (starting asap).

  7. Puppermom Says:

    I have the pee sticks from my chemical and a web page that describes it all in a bag. It was a pregnancy and I mourned it. I still think about it.

    I feel for you. Hang in there. It sucks.

  8. Plain Jane Mom Says:

    Ugh, I had several “chemicals” and I definitely get what you’re saying. I’m sorry.

  9. annmarie Says:

    Hi Beagle, just know that I get it. We all do.

  10. My Reality Says:

    Thinking of you. It was real, take the time you need to grieve this loss. You are not pathetic, don’t think that for a second.

  11. JMW Says:

    Sorry you are having to go through this. I’ve had 3 m/cs and they always manage to break my heart whilst simultaneously dangling hope in front of my eyes. I’m trying not to fall for that anymore.

    “Chemical pgcy” is a shitty term. So is what I’m apparently having now – a “missed abortion” – and in fact I am considered a “habitual self aborter” – those terms are so ludicrous for women in our position. If I had the energy, I’d launch a campaign to force them to change these misogynist and cruel labels.

    Perhaps wanting to want to is the first step toward wanting to?

  12. amanda Says:

    You are not pathetic, and it was real. I’m so very sorry. You’re in my thoughts.

  13. Barely Sane Says:

    You are NOT pathetic.

    You ARE a strong woman, faced with difficult circumstances, and in a state of grief. I’d say a few tears and some “why me’s” are allowed.

    And a pg is a pg in my book. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  14. Kristi Says:

    You have every right to feel the way you do. Take the time to grieve, and then make your decision. You’re in my prayers.

  15. Anonymous Says:

    I am sorry Beagle.
    Look after yourself.

  16. Kath Says:

    I’m so sorry, Beagle. This hurts so badly. And please don’t call yourself pathetic — you’re far from that.

    “Chemical pregnancy” is a misnomer, and even worse, it makes women feel guilty for the feelings of loss they have. These losses are real and they sap you of so much strength that it’s hard to believe sometimes. I’m sending you much love.

  17. Anonymous Says:

    I am so sorry Beagle. Take your time to grieve your loss. Your feelings are completely legitimate. We are all here for you. Hugs.

  18. Leggy Says:

    What everyone else said. I’m sorry. Its like life is playing a cruel joke on you- I think you were mentally prepared for a negative, but WTF was that little mind game for? No need to apologize- it is very important to grieve the loss of what might have been. I’m sorry.

  19. One Mother's Journey Says:

    I’m so sorry. Whether it’s a few days or a few months – all losses hurt and are valid. We all understand that.

    I wish you peace in whatever decision you make.

  20. OHN Says:

    Better days will be ahead. I know it is hard to wrap your mind around that right now but while the loss will always stay with you, the emptiness will fill and you will come out on the other side of the tunnel. Allow yourself time. I lost 4 pregnancies (all girls) and my mind still wanders back to those days at times. It still makes me sad but it is much more bearable with the passage of time.

  21. Starfish Says:

    I’m sorry. There’s not much more I can say than that. Hugs to you.

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