I want to cancel Xmas

I want to draw a big fat X through it. I just can’t do it. I don’t want to.

I’m zooming through the stages of grief, skipping right down the line and landing on anger. I am one cranky chick right now. It’s easier than sad for some reason. But sucks all the same.

I’ve done all the shopping. All of HIS shopping, all of my shopping, half of my mom’s shopping (no, she is not disabled in any way). I’ve written our cheesy newsy letter. It of course contains zero information about what consumes about 90% of my life. I mean what was I going to say: “Dear friends and family I can’t have a baby no matter how hard I try and I am a miserable wench, happy holidays to you. Let’s hope 2007 brings something better!” I ought to have skipped the letter this year, but instead I wrote a moderately cheerful, fully fake one. The rose colored glasses edition of our lives in one page or less. (On festive stationary of course!)

The only part of this holiday season I’ve looked forward to, even a little bit, is having a few extra days off work and celebrating New Year’s Eve with some cool (also childless) friends. Well, cross that off my wish list because my two SIL’s have once again conspired to plan over me. And “because of the children,” blah, blah, blah they have to have our (C.’s side) family gathering on the one day we had something fun planned: New Year’s Eve. (In another state no lessm, so leaving early and doing both is not an option.) And you can guess which side of the argument C. is going to fall on. (Hint: probably not mine.)

I had half a heart to donate all the gifts I bought for his family to a charity and then just leave town and see what they all make of that. But, even in my foul mood I can see that would be a bit extreme.

I love my nieces and nephews, I truly do. I even like my BIL’s and one SIL quite well, I can’t stand the second SIL, but that’s not bad, one relative in the bunch I can’t tolerate. Right? Trouble is she is the most imposing of them all. And always gets her way. (No shit, is that a coincidence??) She leads the most charmed life of anyone I know and yet she is always the one everyone else has to work around to accomodate. Now that is just plain wrong.

It’s just that, do I really have to, for the third fucking year in a row, sit around and admire how amazing each of their kids is and listen to the parents whine about parenting? All the while they’re telling me how “lucky I am” to have my freedom because kids really cramp your style, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile inside my heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces and no one even notices the pain behind the fake pasted on smile.

I mean, where is the rule that says we must participate in this kind of torment?

I tried to find a way out of it but there seems to be no way. I planned two nights over Christmas at a seaside B&B for just C. and I. So we’d have the perfect excuse to avoid all this. And what do they do? Ruin my New Years by forcing Christmas on me a week later. Oh, and did I mention that my dear husband is not real keen on the romantic getaway anyhow? His concerns included: “What will we do in the evenings?” Umm . . . what part of romantic getaway is difficult for you to grasp my dear?? So you can imagine I’m probably not going to have hot sex or anything great or romantic if there is cable TV at this place. I may just cut the wires.

Most difficult of all is how differently C. and I are processing last week’s losses. I need to cry, yell, scream at God, whatever. He needs to box it up and ignore it as best he can. This leaves me feeling so lonely in all of this. I want to hold him and cry together or at least have him hold me and let me cry. But right now it would be like hugging a statue. I know it’s just his way to cope but it leaves me feeling rather cold and shut out. We’ll work our way through this too, but fuck, why does it all have to be so HARD?

Last night I wrapped gifts (all, and I mean ALL were bought online and delivered to my door) while cursing the wrapping paper, tangled ribbon and uncooperative tape dispenser. All while watching . . . drum roll please . . . the gri*nch. How appropriate.

I am the gri*nch incarnate.

I hate Xmas.


17 Responses to “I want to cancel Xmas”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    You are such a good writer. The holidays suck. I’m not even doing cards. You are a better woman than I am. I don’t like most of BigP’s family.

    I say, screw the family. You did it for three years. Have fun with your friends for New Years.

  2. Lindy Says:

    I so hope you can find a way to weasle out of it. The whole thing (and I do mean the WHOLE thing… your loss right before the holidays, infertility in general, clueless in-laws, all of it) is just so bloody unfair and horrible. I’m thinking of you and wishing you a better 2007. It just about HAS to be better, right?

  3. Anonymous Says:

    I agree with Heather, you are a great writer. You painted such a clear picture. I only have one cousin that has started a family and the way you described the gift opening described me exactly when I was railroaded into going to her baby shower. A number of my girlfriends have made similar (thoughtless) comments about the freedom to go out to dinner whenever we want and the vacations, yada yada. I hope you figure a way to get out of the painful holiday gathering. Good luck!

  4. Lut C. Says:

    That’s foul play! New years eve is a day for friends, not family.
    Can you put your foot down? Remind him of the risk of emotional breakdown and big scene in front of the entire family.
    You need to pamper yourself! Can
    you each do your own thing on New Year’s eve?

    I really hope you find the right argument to win C. over.

    Boy am I glad we don’t have the letter for Christmas tradition. Ugh.

  5. Ellen K. Says:

    Last week I wrote on my blog that I was going to try to enjoy Christmas. I have to say, it’s not working out well so far. At all.

    I’m sorry your in-laws suck. I agree, New Year’s Eve is NOT a family sort of holiday. It’s for crying into champagne flutes and drunkenly hugging friends and saying “Goodbye, 2006, and good fucking riddance!”

  6. Anonymous Says:

    C. will eventually come around, as you said. However, it may be when you least expect it.

    I like to bring Bailey’s to family get togethers. It makes the day pass much quicker.

  7. Hopeful Mother Says:

    Oh Beagle – I can completely relate to your feelings. We are in the process of writing our annual Christmas letter this year… and like you said, 90% of what I remember about last year was painful and does not belong in the letter. Yes, lots of other good things are happening, but this one bad thing just seems to overshadow it all. But we are not “out” to everyone and it is certainly not the method to tell some people about what’s going on in our lives. It feels like we’re lying though.

    We are not exchanging gifts this year. We told the family that we didn’t have anything on our list that could be bought and exchanging gift cards just for the sake of it seems ridiculous.

    We’re also skipping town Christmas Day – going to Arizona to get our minds off of everything before starting our next cycle. I don’t expect family to understand why we need to do this, but we do.

    I, too, think you should do something fun on New Year’s. You deserve it!

    Beagle, I will say along with you, “screw 2006 and good riddance.” Let’s hope that 2007 brings much better things to all of us.

  8. My Reality Says:

    If you want someone to cry to, email me. I am more than happy to listen and be sympathetic.

    I am not in the Christmas spirit this year and will start the petition to cancel it for you.

  9. OHN Says:

    I think your SIL is MY SIL! Total pain in the ass and she always manages to change EVERYONES plans to suit her….You should at least talk to C and see if you can still swing the friend thing for New years–it is sooooo hard when they “shut down”…mine would never even talk about our infertility and it is ALL I could think about…I have heard that if a man can’t solve a problem, he retreats–true in my house anyway.

  10. annmarie Says:

    I get it, Beagle…I know exactly where you are coming from. Brighter days are ahead — they have to be. In the meantime, keep grieving, keep feeling and I hope you can get your husband to do the same. It is so important to do this and so necessary to move on. Just feel.

  11. Barely Sane Says:

    One year, we got one of those annual letters and the person proceeded to tell all about her kids and how they’d F’d up during the year. As in one got knocked up and one kept getting fired. You know, the kind of stuff people usually sweep under the rug. It was a shocker of a letter but man, I couldn’t put that sucker down!

    It took my DH over 2 years to acknowledge our M/C as a real baby, but when he did, man did the damn break. I hope your doesn’t take as long.


  12. caroline Says:

    I can so relate with the charmed sister in law who still always manages to get her way. I wish there was some way you could get out of the week late Christmas ~ I officially give you the “I had the crappiest week ever” award. Hope the coming weeks are kinder on you!

  13. Leggy Says:

    Ugh- I’m really sorry. I hear you on family dilemmas- its tough to do what’s expected of you year after year after year when no one else seems to reciprocate.
    I hope you and C. find a way to communicate- maybe romantic weekend will be just what you need.

  14. Anonymous Says:

    Oh Beagle, I’m really sorry you’re going through all this right now. But – it’s part of the process, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

    I felt very alone while I grieved my miscarriage too – and finally just sat down my DH and told him in plain english what he wasn’t doing right for me. Sometimes (ok, most of the time) men need it spelled out for them! So maybe think about having a heart-to-heart with him?

    I totally hear ya on the in-law crap. I used to get so worked up over my MIL and her manipulative ways…we actually discussed her in therapy some years back and it was very helpful. The key thing was that my husband needed to make me #1 in his life, especially when it came to tugs from his family. And although he still feels some guilt, he’s able to get beyond it and maintain appropriate boundaries between our/their lives. Boy, does that sound like a bunch of physcho-babble or what?? 🙂

    Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide to do on the holiday plans. My vote is you don’t give in – it’s totally ok to make it all about you right now! Hugs..

  15. Liz Says:

    I know how hard the holidays can be. It’s unfortunate that sometimes our husbands don’t understand what we are going through. I’m sorry your plans got screwed. Wish you could find a way to ditch the family and see your friends…you certainly deserve that.

    I’m sorry for all of your losses and hope the new year will bring you good things.

  16. Sarah Beth Says:

    AMEN!!! I wholeheartedly agree with your post. I hate the holidays! I am a lurker who has never commented before but your post just hit home with me. I think I could rival you for title of the grinch. I have actually thrown away Xmas cards this week, because I knew they would be “all about babies” inside.

  17. Anonymous Says:

    I know, I know. I’m so glad we a) decided not to go home for Christmas (and it would have been really impractical) and b) gave most of our presents to charity this year (even though I do feel a little high-horsey about it – totally worthwhile in some cases).

    I guess if scraping for good things you could say at least it’ll be over soon?


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