How are YOU?

What an odd couple of days!

Yesterday morning, after writing my somewhat upbeat post, I headed to the mall. Ugh. (Background: my Dad called to say my Mom wanted pajamas, after I have been asking her for two months what she wanted. So, aiming to please, I headed to the mall.) The mall is so depressing. Baby strollers everywhere, headache inducing manic holiday tunes blaring overhead, crowds, rude and impatient people . . . man, was it hard to hold on to my “almost happy!”

I did get the PJ’s but it blew the better part of my free time for the day. I hope she likes them at least!

Earlier I had stumbled across the virtual cookie exchange and got it into my head that I needed to bake. Rumor has it baking is therapeutic. Look at all the IF bloggers doing it!

I did make two sorts: apricot spirals and oatmeal raisin. Both use a lot of butter and both are delish!

Later, with a totally wrecked kitchen and no energy to clean it, I wondered why I had gotten myself into this! My almost happy was fading fast. I ate a few cookies and when the sugar rush kicked in I cleaned up my mess and then put my feet up.

Poor C. is coming home exhausted every night. He is one of those cute guys in brown that deliver all the stuff that the women like me order on-line because we hate the mall. I gave my own guy in brown cookies and a nice holiday tip (the one that delivers to my house.) And, of course, my husband got cookies and a kiss and a backrub.

Now tomorrow we head off to our escape but we’re both a bit tired. I hope the mood will improve once we get there. I just hope we (well he really) are not too tired to have some fun on our romantic holiday escape!

My day today was kind of melancholy, odd, and funny. My parents are married 39 years as of today. I talked them into at least going out for lunch at their favorite restaurant. They agreed but insisted I come along. (We work together, remember.) So there I am on my parents anniversary date. I jokingly told them this was possibly quite appropriate since my presence would be a reminder of how they got into this mess in the first place!

So this led me down an odd path of thoughts. I am an oopsie baby. (My Mom was 17.) My mother’s mother had an oopsie baby at 42. I never in a million years dreamed that infertility would be an issue for me. As a matter of fact I was the most vigilant woman in the history of the modern world when it came to birth control. You see, I assumed that I was one of them. One of those woman who says “ha, ha, my husband only has to think about making love to me and I get pregnant, snicker, giggle” . . . well, male factor never even crossed my mind. So you can see why I occasionally succumb to a major case of denial when it comes to my current reality. You can see why a beta of 4 makes me think I have a chance. Surely, I have a chance. It’s a family legacy!

Anyway where the hell is this post going? I don’t know. DD wrote me a kind note today asking how was I REALLY doing and it got me thinking. I don’t bloody well know! One minute I get a manic burst of holiday energy and gleefully head to the mall to fulfill my family’s every wish, the next minute I am hating myself for being so stupid as to think that would be even remotely fun. The next minute I am mixing batches of cookie dough, and shortly after that I am loathing my body and cursing, telling myself the last thing I need is a cookie, and bemoaning the wreck my kitchen had become.

So how am I really? Well, it depends. I keep leaving perky posts wishing everyone better luck in 2007 but then I get hit with an ugly thought. Last year I thought this year would be better. And look where that bit of misguided hope got me! Fuck, that is just depressing, isn’t it?? We do need the hope to go on, I think. Otherwise how can I drag myself to another single RE appointment or gather up the strength to face all the hoops and hurdles of adoption? I am not in hoop jumping form these days!

My plan is simple but not easy. I plan to make the best of this holiday thing. I’m going to try to “be in the moment” and enjoy the away from home thing. I plan to try to find the holiday spirit in small things and if I need to be sad, I will just tell myself that it’s OK. It’s been a shitty year. There is no law against sadness at the holidays.

So . . . how are YOU? And I mean how are you REALLY?

I wish you the best holiday you can manage, whatever your circumstance. Some of you will be holding your brand new, hard earned baby(s), some of you will still be feeling the ache in your heart where that child should be. But I hope that all of us can find at least some tiny bit of “almost happy.” That is my wish for all my bloggy friends.

And if you run into trouble, just refer back to this list.


9 Responses to “How are YOU?”

  1. OHN Says:

    I was an oops baby…my brother is 14 years older than me. My mom never ever used birth control and didnt get pregnant other than the two of us, so after hubby and I were married about 27 seconds I was ready to try getting pregnant…good thing too…I didn’t know I would be in IF hell for what seemed like forever!

  2. DD Says:

    I’ve been thinking a lot about 2007 as well. I started 2006 off pregnant and am ending it with my first period since another miscarriage. There has to be some irony there.

    I guess in with the new; out with the old.

  3. Lut Says:

    I feel much like you, bouts of energy alternating with bouts of gloom, with a generous helping of envy.

    Good food & good drink do help. 🙂

  4. The Trace Says:

    I started 2006 being matched w/a birth mother. WE WERE THRILLED and went through last Christmas in an estastic haze. Of course a few weeks later we learned some disturbing things and decided to back out of the adoption that turned out to be a scam. I am hoping and praying that this year will be better. What other options do I have? Oh yeah, international adoption if we still haven’t been selected by a birth mother in a year (after the scam we restarted the domestic adoption journey September 1).

  5. Thalia Says:

    My mum got pregnant on a whim, to the extent that she actually had an abortion after she got pregnant or a fourth time only 2 months after my little brother was born – she felt it would have been too much for our family to cope with. So sadly there is nothing in the inheritance that makes sense for either of us.

    I totaly empathise with the up and down thing. I was quite happy setting off this mornign with my ipod to do some shopping, and arrived home 4 hours later in floods of tears. There’s no controlling it, it is waht it is. It’s also very tiring, all this upping and downing.

    I hope your break really is restorative. I think all we can do for 2007 is hope,and not compare it to any other year we’ve been through.

  6. Barely Sane Says:

    Have a great time at the B&B. It sounds so pretty!

    I hope you do find some peace and happiness this season. Even if it’s just that instant awe when you see a house all lit up with Xmas lights. Take what victories you can.


  7. annmarie Says:

    Well Beagle, I get where you’re coming from. It was a shitty year indeed, but you did manage to make some great art — that’s a big deal in my book. My visits to the RE ended this year, which was refreshing, but the longing for a family never went away. Does it ever get easy? I hope 2007 brings new directions and new ideas for all of us. We sure as hell deserve it.

  8. Bea Says:

    No law at all against being sad. In fact I made an effort to be so up and down it could only be described as “moody”. How’d you go, in the end?


  9. UtRus Says:

    thank you for asking.

    how am i REALLY? well… a hell of a lot better than I was even a month ago. i have had, as many of us have, quite massive challenges mentally with IF. and i was kinda surprised to find that getting preg actually doesn’t “solve” the depression, the stress, the anxiety – it just gets transferred over. i DO recall reading many times, newly preg IVFers saying “why don’t I feel great now, this is what I wanted!” but it’s so much more complicated. i never believed it, either. but it’s really true.

    so, to answer your question, i continue to do the hard work in therapy and taking care of myself and working on new ways of looking at things… and by golly, after going off those progesterone suppositories… things are a bit brighter. it’ll be a long time until i’m back to where i’m not evaluating my mental state – but things are on an upward curve.

    May 2007 be happier for all of us, no matter what situation we’re in. and i wish the very best to you.

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