Archive for January, 2007

A preemptive move?

January 30, 2007

Well, I don’t quite know where to begin this post. It’s one of those ‘do you want the good news first or the bad news first’ kinds of posts? I’m usually inclined to get my bad news first so I’ll go with that.

This cycle is a bust. Again. I took an HPT yesterday and today so I was not shocked by the call that came on my lunch break, just hours ago, to say that the pregnancy test was negative. Yet again. I was not shocked but that does not lessen the pain much. I have a feeling a big cry is ahead and I already had one Sunday.

I am sad, of course I am. I am not as crushed as I have been other cycles, but that may not be a good sign altogether. It may just indicate how tired I am. How little hope I had for this cycle to begin with, etc. I was more sad on Sunday when I had the big cry. I cried and cried like the world was ending. Because it was. My idea of my world was ending. My world does not, and will not, look the way I wanted or expected it to. I never imagined this for myself, for my husband, or for our life together. Of all my worries (and I tned to have many) infertility wasn’t even on teh list. It was such a shock, and still is in some ways, rather surreal. All this pain and disappointment has been our marriage. (I mean this in terms of time, we have been enduring fertility treatments for most of our four year marriage, nice honeymoon, eh?) I really need the pain to stop. I am depressed and sad more than is healthy. It is understandable given our circumstances but that doesn’t make it OK. I need to take my life back at least on some level.

There comes a time when banging your head against the wall just hurts too much, and starts to feel a bit silly, to be honest. So, we are truly at that crossroads now. We need to choose a path even though the one we wanted isn’t even on the map we’ve been issued.

So I have mentioned the options before: Continue treatment, pursue adoption, choose child free. The last is still not imaginable for me. C. can imagine it, says he would be OK being just us, just a couple but he supports and understands that I cannot let go of the motherhood dream I had for myself and the family dream I had for us. It may be able to accept child fee at some point in the future, but right now I till need to try to build a family. It’s just that I need to try in a way that may actually work for us. We will do no more than two medicated IUI’s. We will submit our application to the adoption agency that we have researched and chosen. We will pursue domestic adoption. As far as adoption options go, the Caucasian newborn programs are about the longest shot of all, but it is what we are going to try for. I have to have faith that a birth mother out there will find us to be a good fit to parent her baby. It may take a while. I will probably take longer than if we chose an international program (hard to say really) but C. feels very strongly about this path and I just want to get to motherhood, so I don’t want to quibble about which road anymore. I would have skipped IVF altogether if C. and I could have agreed on an adoption path way back then. I was too scared of domestic but I’ve educated myself and opened my heart and I think this is something I can do. One thing infertility has taught me is that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I could have imagined and I can do a hell of a lot of things I would have found impossible if you had asked me four years ago!

So here we go! Buckle up!

Oh, and since I ought to explain a number of things, including the title of this post: We met with the adoption agency staff yesterday. It was a real on the fly kind of thing. I tested yesterday morning and all hope was lost yet again for a pregnancy. C.’s shift got cancelled. I got to work and my boss sent me home when he found out my hubby was off (C. having a day off is pretty rare and my boss is also my dad.) So, I called C. to say I was coming home and how did he feel about going to meet the social worker if I could arrange a meeting? He said yes, I called, she said see you at three. So, off we went. We explained our scenario, asked our questions the last of which being how firm were they on the rule about stopping treatment before even submitting an application. And after a bit of back and forth which involved her figuring out just how done I really was and that I had no intention whatsoever to be in “the profile book” as an available couple while still trying it was just that we wanted to get the home study underway so that we could be “book ready” and hit the ground running as soon as I got my BFN from the last IUI no later than May. She said she would normally discourage this overlap but she gets the clear sense that we are ready and if we are willing to take the financial risk of losing our application monies, etc. then she’s fine with that. I said well, after losing close to fifty thousand dollars on failed treatments what’s another $1600 on a home study and an application if we should not need it in the utterly unlikely event I find myself pregnant in the next two attempts after something like 16 have failed (I’ve lost count.) So, that long winded scandalously long run on bit is to say I think I am finally ready to embrace the adoption option.

I am both scared and excited. On Sunday I had a huge cry about it all (again). It was rather cathartic and it made me look at what I really want here. We want to be parents. Biology is not a priority for us. We’d like a newborn so domestic was the way to go and we’ve made our peace with our respective birth mother fears. The state I live in and where the agency is based has a 30 day revocation. So once we jump all the hoops, once we are chosen, once a baby is placed with us, we will have to make it through an entire month of loving and bonding with a child we may not get to keep. But as devastating as a “disruption” would be (can you believe that’s what they call it??) the risk is relatively low. And somewhere along the way here, C. and I are bound to fall on the right side of the statistics, right??

And lastly: If I am so ready, why do the two more cycles at all? Well I don’t have a really great answer for that other than I just need to. I may change my mind along the way but I am quite sure it will be in favor of doing less cycles, not more.


Is bitchiness an early pregnancy symptom?

January 25, 2007

Oh fuck, I hate it when that little light glows “check engine” I just hope it’s something minor. There’s not much cash in checking this month.

(Luckily my body doesn’t have a check engine light because it would be a flashing neon billboard right about now.)

Updated to add: It’s going to cost about $600 which in terms of car repair, I suppose I’m getting off easy. But fuck, that could have paid for half of one IUI cycle. And that’s what my money is for after all, keeping my RE in a nice new car, while I drive a 1999 model that’s showing it’s age.

I am SO grouchy. I cannot really explain why. The car thing did not help, but it’s not the cause. I am feeling so sure, again, that this did not work. Unless somehow I missed the fine print where it says bitchiness is an early pregnancy symptom. I think I’m having PMS. Beta is Tuesday. I am 10dpiui and I don’t plan to POAS. But the weekend may do in my resolve. Who knows.

About the private blog: I can’t seem to get it together. I’ve scrapped the first attempt, started from scratch with another. I’m still messing with the template. I may never go private at this rate. My heart is just not in blogging right now. I read (too many probably), I comment maybe 50% of the time. But it’s so hard to cheer everyone on when I feel so cheerless.

I hope this bitchy stage passes soon, unless it means I am pregnant. I should be so lucky.

Oh, Opr@h!

January 25, 2007

First, I guess I should give her credit for featuring the struggle of infertility in way that was realistic overall, more so than most media renditions anyway. But O, why did you have to go and taint it by traumatizing poor Jenn** by mentioning that ever popular assvice idea that people get pg as soon as they adopt?! Really, I expect that sort of thing from my dental hygienist, but not from you O, you have a whole team of fact checkers who ought to have set you straight on that all-irritating myth! Luckily Jenn** did a good job of setting you straight, though in my opinion she was too nice about it.

**There really seems to be a lot of infertile Jennifers! Was it anyone we know??

And the first recipient is . . .

January 24, 2007

Drum roll please . . . .


E-mail me your snail mail address to beagleblogger at gmail dot com asap and I will mail the book to you post hast!

I drew a name out of a hat (well, out of my band new nalgene water bottle if we’re going to be accurate here). And Serenity, you are first up! I will include a list of names of those who have expressed an interest in participating so you can pull #2 out of your own hat (or water bottle for that matter) or you can recruit your own next recipient in what ever manner you choose.

So begins the sisterhood of the traveling book.

Well, at least my teeth are in good shape

January 23, 2007

No one likes to go to the dentist. At best it’s uncomfortable, at worst it hurts like hell. But here’s a down side I didn’t prepare myself for:

I was due for routine x-rays. Dental hygienist asks whether I could be pregnant. Hmmm . . . After staring at her with a deer in the headlights glazed over look, I mumbled probably not. So she pressed for details and I told her that I’m in the middle of a medicated fertility cycle.

So, you know how the scenario goes at the dentist? That awkward thing were they insist on trying to hold a shallow conversation with you while having their fist halfway down your throat and wielding an air-driven instrument meant to polish your teeth but which sounds alarmingly like an instrument of torture? Well now imagine adding to that a shit load of assvice ranging from the well know “relax” to “have you tried giving up” (did you know that giving up leads to pregnancy?)

To try to squash the topic I told her we were indeed giving up on treatment and pursuing adoption. Silly me. Guess what she said next? You know it . . . she said “yes, that is a great idea”. No, not because adoption is a beautiful thing, but because that will guarantee I get pregnant! Why didn’t I think of that? Then she proceeded to tell me every story she’s ever heard about adoption. The lady who “got one” from her OB GYN (I think they did do this sort of thing in the 50’s and 60’s) to the people who got the girl from China who is so exotic and just gets prettier every year, to the people who got a son from Vietnam, but wait a minute, she doesn’t think Vietnam is “exporting” children anymore. Really? I thought it was quite a booming market, the export of children! Yikes!

Oh somebody just shoot me please. How much pain can one beagle endure?

I swear, I would cry but it’s all so ludicrous I almost have to laugh out loud.

This kind of ignorance just blows my mind. Two years ago this might have made me mad. Even now, on a bad day, it makes me mad. But mostly it just makes me wonder. Where the fuck do people get their information? Exporting children? Now I’ve heard it all.

Oh, but if anyone wants to know, I did not get the x-ray because hope and paranoia won out. After all, since I’ve about given up, my chances of being pregnant just went up. Oh, and I have no cavities. That’s something anyway.

Cycle Update

January 23, 2007

There’s not much to say. NBHHY. I am just 7dpiui and I had a progesterone check this morning which I have not heard back about, but fool that I am I choose PIO over suppositories so “normally” the level is fine.

As for how I am feeling: Well, Saturday was a wonderful day in the city at the home show, the sailing show, and dim sum for lunch.

Sunday I cried most of the day.

I also read the fine print on our adoption agency application and they require you to swear on your life (or at least sign that you agree with penalty of losing your money) that you have finished and ceased all IF treatment. So it appears that my grande plan of tackling this on all fronts is on hold. Unless I find another agency which right now I am not feeling up to doing.

Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.

But, otherwise I am fine, just fine. How are you? (Fake beagle smile plastered on for all I’m worth!)

Now I’m off to the dentist. That should be fun. At least they can polish my fake smile. With my luck I’ll find out I need a root canal.

As for the new blog, cats in the cradle: I’ve fucked it up and I think I may just delete it and start all over. Or just give up on the idea. I was determined to have a cool new template but I am just too worn out to put much effort into this. So stick with me here for a while. If I get my act together, you’ll get a new invite. If not, then . . . well . . . you won’t!

Edited to add: Progesterone is 22.3 I think that’s OK but not stellar.

Pullin my hair out!

January 23, 2007

I’ve tried to put the book thing on my sidebar and the template preview shows my a lovely layout and then I hit save changes and view blog and it is a bung ofg overlapped shit.

I give up, at least for today!

This is our traveling book

January 23, 2007

What!! You’re Pregnant Again!! Bite Me!!
by Sandra Zacchino
This is our traveling book.

Proposed “Rules”:

Try to keep it no more than ten days. (It should take you less than one day to read it). It’s only 72 double spaced pages.

When you get the book, e-mail me at beagleblogger at gmail dot com to tell me where the book is.

I’ll post it’s location on my sidebar (If I can figure that out!)

Read, laugh, cry, “enjoy” the book.

Write your name (real or blog) and location (as specific or vague as you like) and a short comment on the inside covers and blank pages available.

Mail to the next blogger of your choosing. Each person chooses the next recipient and takes it from there.

Am I missing something obvious? Anyone done this sort of thing before? Should I include anything else to help this work? I can act as the go between for addresses if this makes it easier, each recipient can e-mail me for the address of the next person if that helps I’d be glad to keep track of that. Otherwise we’ll leave it as is.

Sisterhood of the traveling book

January 18, 2007

Have you read or seen the book/movie Sisterhood of the traveling pants?

It’s a cute story of four girls/women who find the elusive perfect pair of jeans in a thrift store and even though they are quite different builds the jeans fit each of them in the most flattering way. So they decide to share the pants. When they all go their separate ways, they send the pants (and a journal I think, which is essentially the book) to each other at agreed upon time intervals.

Well here’s my idea. We are already a sisterhood. Let’s have a traveling book!

I did buy the book with this catchy title . I’m no talent when it comes to book reviews but here is my general sense: It’s a very fast read, only 72 pages, doubles spaced (no, I’m not kidding!) The writing is not of an award winning caliber. We can read IF stories that are well written, right here on the Internet, for free! So, I guess I would not recommend this book in terms of value or in terms of literary achievement. But it does cut to the chase of life as an infertile. I like that she’s angry and that she feels free to say so. (I am not as free with expressing my own anger). I identified with much of what she said, though not all. But it was a quick and cathartic read.

So my plan would be this: We could pass the book around. I know there is an issue of anonymity no one is more paranoid than me, but many of you have already exchanged personal identities through your holiday card exchange, IF meet-ups etc. With the traveling book we would only have to expose ourselves to the person we are sending it to. That’s only one “outing”. Even I can handle that! I thought we could all sign inside the book with real or screen name, part of the world we live in and the date book was received and short comment (optional). We’d read it, review it on our blog to whatever extent we like and pass it on to the next blogger. It is up to each recipient to recruit and choose the next recipient. It would also be fun to pay it forward or backward with a small gift to the person who sent it to you or the person who will get it next or both. A little handmade trinket, or whatever.

We can also add a sort of “where in the world” element where I can post the book’s whereabouts as it makes it’s rounds. As each person receives the book they can e-mail me it’s whereabouts.

So does anyone like this idea enough for me to set it in motion? If so I will set up “rules” and get this book in the mail to lucky recipient #1!

This could be secret blog pal meets international lending library**.

I think including bloggers on all continents is feasible because this book is skinny and light enough to be mailed anywhere fairly cheaply.

So who’s game??

My one reservation is this: is it unfair to (potentially) decrease the author’s sales by sending this book around to possibly every woman in the blogosphere who might have bought it? Is this any different than the public library lending it out? (Which, by the way, will not be carrying this book any time soon!)


Because he’s so damn cute!

January 17, 2007

That’s why I love him.
And for a whole lot of cats in sinks check out this website!