That sinking feeling

Oh fuck! I am so frustrated with myself. I am sinking like a rock. Every time I start a new cycle I convince myself that I will be fine, that I can handle it etc., then I get about 5 days into the drugs and start losing all sense or proportion, all sense of perspective, all sense of myself, all sense hope.

I feel like a slug today. I am sad and NBHHY. I don’t know how to shake this and that is maybe what bothers me most of all. I take my happy pills, I see a therapist, I seek out supportive friendships, I exercise, etc. I do all the things you are supposed to do to combat depression. Why am I losing the fight so badly then??

Last night I was so tempted to disregard doctors orders and just take the dose and meds I wanted to. This time last cycle they added the menopur and ganirelix by now and this cycle they are one day behind on that. (See what I mean about proportion/perspective, one day is freaking me out). My follies are a bit behind and my E2 is a bit behind. This is already adding up to a sense of doom for me. I’m already convinced that this will fail. If I am so sure it will fail, why the hell do I keep putting myself through this then???

And on the flip side, after three years and countless failures how am I supposed to summon up any sense of optimism that this could ever work??

Damn, I just want my life back. It’s just that I can’t let go of this wish, desire, need for a child and I don’t see any other way out of this hell but forward. So, I am plodding on. But plodding in such a sad, unhappy way.

Where is my joy? I need to find some shred of it soon.

Edited to add:

I still feel the doom but here are the facts:
cd 8 (day 6 of stimms) and I have three follies in the 10-12 range and an E2 of 346. We’re adding the menopur and ganirelix tonight and keeping the follistim at 200. Next check Saturday then again Monday and I’m hoping for a Monday trigger and a Wednesday IUI which would be cd 14 and right on target with a “normal” ovulation time frame.

(Silently chanting to myself: this could still work, this could still work, this could still work).

Then why do I feel like this cycle is already going on it’s 5th week?? I am going to walk now, maybe that will help. Something has to!

And to answer daysgoby’s question: Pottery would help in theory but I have to do it to ward off depression. Once the depression hits my creativity disappears (or at least the will to do anything creative disappears).

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17 Responses to “That sinking feeling”

  1. daysgoby Says:

    B – Are you potting? Would getting into the studio and immersing yourself in your work help?

    I’m so, so sorry this is so hard on you. And it’s the grey and dark time of year, which can’t help.

    Please don’t disappear without handing out the password, okay?
    I would miss you.

    I wish you peace, friend.

  2. DD Says:

    I HATE that sinking feeling, and I always get it shortly after the high of being able to start a new cycle.

    If you up to continuing, I’ll be here to try to bring encouragement.

  3. Kath Says:

    I’m so sorry this is so hard, dear Beagle. I really wish I could help. And more than anything, I really hope this cycle works for you.

  4. Margo Says:

    I am sorry Beagle. I know that sinking feeling and it sucks. I have everything crossed that this cycle works. Sending you a big hug.

  5. Millie Says:

    I’m sor sorry you’re having such a hard time. That sinking feeling is a horrible one. Maybe being a day behind is actually a good thing? It’s different, right?

  6. Heather Says:

    I’m sorry. I hate feeling that way.

    Hope things look up soon Sweetie.

  7. Anonymous Says:

    Beagle, honey, you are in a rotten place right now. There is no where to go but forward, right? Most of us all have felt that out of control sinking feeling one or more times during this journey. You have so much strength and will power. You will know when is enough and hopefully the clear path will make itself known. Thinking of you….
    ~jen

  8. Lut C. Says:

    Three years, and you still have the courage to fight the depression. You’re coping well, I’d say.

  9. Bea Says:

    I have no magic solution. You’re battling quite hard, I’d say. There’s no point stopping, or even taking a break, unless you feel it’s something you *want* to do. It won’t make you feel better in and of itself. And the alternative, as you say, is to just keep marching forward. The only thing I can come up with is “hang in there”. Also, “please please let this work for you soon”.

    Bea

  10. Angie Says:

    I hate that feeling. I don’t know how to get past it, but I can say that we are here for you!

  11. serenity Says:

    I echo lut c’s comment, hon. 5 years, and you’re still putting one foot in front of the other. You’re coping. Maybe not perfectly, but you are coping.

    Hugs. I hope today is a little less gloomy.

  12. Starfish Says:

    HANG IN THERE! Those drugs seriously screw up your emotions (I was on the same ones). Perhaps draft out a plan of what you will do if (by remote chance) it doesn’t work? That was the only thing that helped me..the depression was a result of my hopelessness. Fingers and toes crossed for you!

  13. Carol Says:

    sorry you’re feelng the depression/hormone roller coaster, that sucks. Hang in there, we’re all thinking of you.

  14. Anonymous Says:

    I am new to infertility and your blog, so please forgive me if this has been suggested, or if you’ve tried it–acupuncture. I have suffered from depression for years…stopped meds one year ago to try to get pregnant, and then got hit w/ infertility. Acupuncture has been amazing in keeping me balanced (or as balanced as I can be) and feeling OK, even w/ my hormones being out of control due to POF. If you haven’t tried it, you may want to think about it.
    Thank you for posting and sharing your feelings and experiences…again, I am new to this, but I can’t get over how much of what you write is exactly how I feel. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling for so long–I wish you all the best.

  15. ak1908 Says:

    Hi Beagle,
    I’m over here to cheer you on girl. Remember: positive energy, positive energy. Oh, wait… that never worked for me. OK, back to encouraging- positive energy, positive energy.

    At this point in your cycle, there are no scientific facts that support the thoughts that this cycle is a bust. Hang on. I’m sorry you are in such a difficult place right now. IF + depression = suckiness. I’m in your corner!

  16. Kris Says:

    Thanks for your comment. I’ve just read your post and I could have written so much of this… how do you maintain optimism amongst all the failures? I wish I knew.

    I would be interested in following your new blog if you feel so inclined as to get me the password. Good luck this cycle.

  17. Barely Sane Says:

    My personal opinion is the extra drugs make it impossible for even the most well rounded, never depressed, glass is half full kinda person to stay positive. But that’s just my uneducated, multiple failed cycle, crazy view.

    So, in the meantime, let us be your cheerleaders. We’ll keep our fingers crossed and keep our eyes focused on the positives. Now, where did I put my pom poms?

    1, 2, 4, 4
    20mm is what we’re looking for
    5, 6, 7, 8
    Come on follies, you look great!!
    (insert akward looking kick jump here)

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