A preemptive move?

Well, I don’t quite know where to begin this post. It’s one of those ‘do you want the good news first or the bad news first’ kinds of posts? I’m usually inclined to get my bad news first so I’ll go with that.

This cycle is a bust. Again. I took an HPT yesterday and today so I was not shocked by the call that came on my lunch break, just hours ago, to say that the pregnancy test was negative. Yet again. I was not shocked but that does not lessen the pain much. I have a feeling a big cry is ahead and I already had one Sunday.

I am sad, of course I am. I am not as crushed as I have been other cycles, but that may not be a good sign altogether. It may just indicate how tired I am. How little hope I had for this cycle to begin with, etc. I was more sad on Sunday when I had the big cry. I cried and cried like the world was ending. Because it was. My idea of my world was ending. My world does not, and will not, look the way I wanted or expected it to. I never imagined this for myself, for my husband, or for our life together. Of all my worries (and I tned to have many) infertility wasn’t even on teh list. It was such a shock, and still is in some ways, rather surreal. All this pain and disappointment has been our marriage. (I mean this in terms of time, we have been enduring fertility treatments for most of our four year marriage, nice honeymoon, eh?) I really need the pain to stop. I am depressed and sad more than is healthy. It is understandable given our circumstances but that doesn’t make it OK. I need to take my life back at least on some level.

There comes a time when banging your head against the wall just hurts too much, and starts to feel a bit silly, to be honest. So, we are truly at that crossroads now. We need to choose a path even though the one we wanted isn’t even on the map we’ve been issued.

So I have mentioned the options before: Continue treatment, pursue adoption, choose child free. The last is still not imaginable for me. C. can imagine it, says he would be OK being just us, just a couple but he supports and understands that I cannot let go of the motherhood dream I had for myself and the family dream I had for us. It may be able to accept child fee at some point in the future, but right now I till need to try to build a family. It’s just that I need to try in a way that may actually work for us. We will do no more than two medicated IUI’s. We will submit our application to the adoption agency that we have researched and chosen. We will pursue domestic adoption. As far as adoption options go, the Caucasian newborn programs are about the longest shot of all, but it is what we are going to try for. I have to have faith that a birth mother out there will find us to be a good fit to parent her baby. It may take a while. I will probably take longer than if we chose an international program (hard to say really) but C. feels very strongly about this path and I just want to get to motherhood, so I don’t want to quibble about which road anymore. I would have skipped IVF altogether if C. and I could have agreed on an adoption path way back then. I was too scared of domestic but I’ve educated myself and opened my heart and I think this is something I can do. One thing infertility has taught me is that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I could have imagined and I can do a hell of a lot of things I would have found impossible if you had asked me four years ago!

So here we go! Buckle up!

Oh, and since I ought to explain a number of things, including the title of this post: We met with the adoption agency staff yesterday. It was a real on the fly kind of thing. I tested yesterday morning and all hope was lost yet again for a pregnancy. C.’s shift got cancelled. I got to work and my boss sent me home when he found out my hubby was off (C. having a day off is pretty rare and my boss is also my dad.) So, I called C. to say I was coming home and how did he feel about going to meet the social worker if I could arrange a meeting? He said yes, I called, she said see you at three. So, off we went. We explained our scenario, asked our questions the last of which being how firm were they on the rule about stopping treatment before even submitting an application. And after a bit of back and forth which involved her figuring out just how done I really was and that I had no intention whatsoever to be in “the profile book” as an available couple while still trying it was just that we wanted to get the home study underway so that we could be “book ready” and hit the ground running as soon as I got my BFN from the last IUI no later than May. She said she would normally discourage this overlap but she gets the clear sense that we are ready and if we are willing to take the financial risk of losing our application monies, etc. then she’s fine with that. I said well, after losing close to fifty thousand dollars on failed treatments what’s another $1600 on a home study and an application if we should not need it in the utterly unlikely event I find myself pregnant in the next two attempts after something like 16 have failed (I’ve lost count.) So, that long winded scandalously long run on bit is to say I think I am finally ready to embrace the adoption option.

I am both scared and excited. On Sunday I had a huge cry about it all (again). It was rather cathartic and it made me look at what I really want here. We want to be parents. Biology is not a priority for us. We’d like a newborn so domestic was the way to go and we’ve made our peace with our respective birth mother fears. The state I live in and where the agency is based has a 30 day revocation. So once we jump all the hoops, once we are chosen, once a baby is placed with us, we will have to make it through an entire month of loving and bonding with a child we may not get to keep. But as devastating as a “disruption” would be (can you believe that’s what they call it??) the risk is relatively low. And somewhere along the way here, C. and I are bound to fall on the right side of the statistics, right??

And lastly: If I am so ready, why do the two more cycles at all? Well I don’t have a really great answer for that other than I just need to. I may change my mind along the way but I am quite sure it will be in favor of doing less cycles, not more.

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31 Responses to “A preemptive move?”

  1. Teendoc Says:

    I completely understand your feelings. There was a point I reached where I was just done with having the babyquest define my marriage. I wish you much success with your next steps.

  2. DD Says:

    Someone recently reminded me that any line we draw in the sand of life can be erased and reset. I can’t think of a better reason to blur that line then just changing your mind when it comes to how we pursue the expansion of our family. No one is going to call out, “No take backs!”

    I’m sorry about the negative. That royally bites.

  3. daysgoby Says:

    B-
    Are you drawing a big shuddering breath of relief and sadness/joy that there is now a plan and movement forward?

    I’m sorry this didn’t work.

    Are you potting? Planning to pot?

    (A pretty good barometer of your mood, so far!)

  4. Leggy Says:

    B- so sorry about the BFN. Even when you have become accustomed to it not working, it still stings when you put your efforts into something that doesn’t work out.
    Very exciting news on the adoption front and I’m glad your agency is willing to work with you. I can’t wait to hear more about it.

  5. serenity Says:

    Oh beagle. I am sorry about the BFN.

    But I agree with you that you need to take back your life somehow. However that ends up… know we are here for you no matter what.

    DD’s right you know. You can shift the lines any time.

    *hug*

  6. soralis Says:

    So sorry about the negative. Good luck with the adoption process, hope it goes quickly and smoothly when you are ready.

    Take care

  7. Hopeful Mother Says:

    I just finished posting a comment to your last post from a few days ago and realized that you had just posted about today’s beta. Sorry for the overlap.

    Anyway, I am so sorry about the negative. That sucks, even when you expect it coming. I hate that you have come to expect it, too.

    Your adoption plans sound really intriguing. And I think they are a very positive move forward in taking back the only kind of control there is in the IF world.

    And, yes, you can erase your lines in the sand and re-draw any time you want – no explanations necessary. I can relate to needing a plan.

    I am hoping with all my heart that your agency will work well for you now that you are feeling ready for the adoption road. I see good things ahead for you, Beagle!

  8. Barely Sane Says:

    I’m really sorry about the BFN. I was hoping it would be a different outcome.

    From an adoption point of view, I love my daughter the only way I know how. I dont look at her and think about how I didn’t give birth to her. Quite frankly, I sometimes forget I didn’t! I just look at her and see her future.

    And even after 2 months, we still marvel at the fact that there is a little person in our house!

  9. Angie Says:

    I completely understand, and will offer hope and support along the way. Whatever way you choose!

  10. Trace Says:

    I’m sorry it didn’t work again. Once we learned that we had male infertility we went straight to adoption, but I felt such a sense of grief and loss. I STILL do sometimes when I’m around pregnant people (like when I learned my best friend was OOPS pregnant w/child #2). BUT, when we did the home study and filled out the paperwork I felt empowered. I was DOING SOMETHING that was part of us having a baby. I actually found it a positive experience (a little weird I know). We are doing a domestic adoption and we’re in the waiting stage. The waiting and lack of control is the worst part, but it is a time where I can plan a nursery, and read books on adoption (currently it’s Launching a Baby’s Adoption). My husband and I are emotionally preparing ourselves to be parents because we know that we DEFINITELY will. Good luck with your adoption journey. It’s just as much of an emotional roller coaster as infertility treatments, but remember, YOU WILL FINISH PARENTS!

  11. Carol Says:

    Well I’m very sorry about your BFN, but so glad to see that you have a plan B in the works. And to your very last point – I totally understand why you’ll continue the last few tries. You’ll know when it’s done.

  12. Kristi Says:

    Oh Beagle, I am so sorry about your negative result. But it sounds like you’re truly ready for the next phase of your journey, that of adoption, and I truly hope it results in the baby you so deserve to have.

  13. annmarie Says:

    I’m glad you’re looking ahead beagle. I wish you guys luck…infertility does prepare you for the road ahead beautifully.

  14. GLouise Says:

    I am sorry to hear of the BFN. Like Hopeful Mother said, it is always awful, even when we are expecting it.

    I would love to welcome you to adoption land. 🙂 But only if you’re ready. We’re here to support you with whatever you decide!!

  15. LB Says:

    Beagle-
    Sorry about yet another disappointment. I am very excited about the adoption process. I really believe that once you start it in earnest, your mood will lift quickly. Having something to bank on, to plan for, making room for a baby…. that’s something you haven’t been able to do before now. I truly think you are doing the right thing. Plus, it will test “the theory”. Thinking of you. I know you and C. will make the right decision.

  16. Millie Says:

    I’m so sorry about the bfn. It’s never a good thing, even when you’re expecting it.

    Best of luck on the adoption thing. I had to laugh at the homestudy cost because I felt the same way. It was a drop in the bucket compared to everything else so far. I think it’s very wise to be working towards getting your homestudy done and some of the other requirements. It’s a positive thing and you’ll learn from it no matter what happens.

    Besides all the cool kids are taking the A-train these days, as teendoc and bebe like to point out to me.

  17. My Reality Says:

    I am sorry about the negative. They never get easier, do they?

    You have a plan (a good one) and you know what you want. You want to be a mom. That is what is important to you. The rest will hopefully fall into place.

  18. Kris Says:

    I’m sorry about the negative.

    I understand that you just “have to” try those last two attempts. For me, it would be so I could be sure I would never look back and wonder. We have to slay the What-if monsters whenever we can.

  19. Lori Says:

    I’m so sorry about the negative. It just sucks.
    I hope the new plan brings you a sense of peace. I hope it helps you to take back your life in some small way at least.

  20. Kath Says:

    Dear Beagle, I am so very sorry about the negative.

    And with all my heart, I wish you so much luck and joy for the road ahead.

  21. Bea Says:

    Sorry about the BFN. But you sound so ready to move on, I can’t help but believe it’s the right choice. I guess I can see that a couple more rounds would be a good way to wind down emotionally. And really, who wouldn’t like a potter like you? Looking forward to cheering you through the next chapter.

    Bea

  22. My Wombinations Says:

    Thank you so much for visiting my blog. I am sorry to hear about your negative. So unfair. I really hope that your baby is on the horizon and I will keep reading and look forward to the end of your path to motherhood.

  23. Thalia Says:

    I’m very sorry about the negative. It’s just always always so sad.

    That sounds like a lot of processing, and it sounds very productive. It’s such a hard decision to come to, a barrier to climb over, but it will hopefully get you to a much better place and much closer to being the family you want to be. I’m very happy for that.

  24. Shop Girl Says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about the BFN. However, it sounds like you’ve got a gameplan, and hopefully it feels like you will be moving forward no matter what happens.

    Don’t forget that we are all here for you giving you a collective group of virtual hugs!

  25. the waiting line Says:

    I am so sorry about the negative HPT. It is so disheartening, I know.

    Good to hear about your plans on the adoption front. Keep us posted.

  26. Baby Blues Says:

    Sorry for the BFN. (Hugs) It does get tiring. Just know that we’re here, whatever path you choose. There’s something liberating about going to the next level. Go where your heart choses.

  27. Lut C. Says:

    Another BFN, that will take the wind out of anyones sails. 16! That’s huge!

    How wonderful though that you and C are on the same page regarding the path to take. Excited, how long has it been since you felt excited about anything family-building related.

  28. Just another Jenny Says:

    Beagle, I hate the thought of you even needing to have the big cries, I am so sorry about the negative. I am glad that the meeting with the social worker went well. I hope that whatever path you take leads to a baby in your arms as soon as possible.

  29. Robin Says:

    I am so sorry about the BFN. There are no words to make you feel better, I know. But I wish you good luck and give you lots of hugs!

  30. Claudia Says:

    Sorry about the BFN. Hope the next step of your journey goes a little easier…

  31. Denise :o) Says:

    First off, I’m VERY sorry to hear about your negative. No matter how much you are expecting it, there is always some little bit of hope out there and it still hurts like hell to have the comformation.

    Secondly, I just wanted to say congratulations on your decision to adopt. It will be the MOST AMAZING experience of your life!!!! It has changed our lives, our marriage, our outlook on life 100%. I definitely had to grieve the loss of never being pregnant and experiencing birth etc., but now… what can I say. I love my son more than I ever thought imaginable and truthfully DO NOT CARE if I EVER get pregnant!!! I just wish we had done it years ago. (took us 11 years to make the decision! uhhh)

    I hope you and your husband find this same peace of mind and happiness soon. Your life will never be the same!!! I’m so excited to read more…

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