Archive for September, 2007

The traveling DVD

September 21, 2007

I’ve finished watching the DVD.

I had already seen the original piece on the O show but not the aftershow and the Today show piece. The O show segment made me sad all over again. The Today show piece was too short and glib somehow. The O aftershow made me cringe. Yikes. I would have been so uncomfortable. My own religious views aside, (and I’m not sure I even know my own views some days), I hated to hear that part about letting go and letting god.

I’d like to pause here to say that I think faith in a higher power is a good thign to have. Finding comfort in your religion and in your beliefs is a positive. What I object to is imposing that on someone else. Especially in a society composed of very dieverse views.

I also think it was hard for me to hear ‘let go and let god’ because I hear blame in that somehow. Like I’m getting in my own way, if I’d just let it go it would happen. The whole “meant to be” thing bothers me as well. If I am to accept that I am not meant to have a child, then it makes me feel like I’m not worthy of kids rather than that there is some mysterious bigger plan for me. I also sometimes feel that my lack of faith has “caused” my infertility. If I had been in Jenna’s seat on that stage or in the aftershow audience the whole god aspect of the advice would have put me over the edge.

How is it god’s bigger plan that crack addicts and young girls raped by step fathers get pregnant and loving mature couples can’t? I just can’t wrap my head around that idea. Maybe I need to get my head around that idea, but so far it eludes me.

O seemed very baffled by Jenna’s expression of shame. I think most peopel touched by infertility understand it. But, how do you explain the shame and blame of infertility? I would struggle to express that. At the same time, as I said earlier, the whole, let go, relax, what’s meant to be will happen bit adds to our shame and blame.

I have to say that that I think Jenna was very brave for going on these two shows. The show’s portrayal of infertility may not have been perfect. I’m sure Jenna spoke from her heart and I’m sure that the editing for TV diminishes that. Still, I think that however frustrating O’s advice to “let it go” might be for any one of us to hear, and I am imagining it was frustrating if not infuriationg for Jenna, I still think it was worthwhile for her to share her story. Any time infertility is presented in a “non-Lifetime TV movie” kind of way, it increases public awareness. And while there is no way to know, I have to believe that with her huge viewership, some O fan who might have become an assvicey SIL or ‘best’ friend to an infertility sister, might now be just a little bit gentler to someone who needs it. I can only hope that is true.

Jenna has my respect for doing these shows. I could not have done it.

As for letting go of the dream. I won’t. I can’t. It’s what I hold onto. I have adjusted my dream. But I cannot let go.

If I let go of the dream, I think I might drown.

**********edited to add:

Funny thing I heard this on the radio at lunch.
This one part stood out to me

Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones

She would never say where she came from
Yesterday dont matter if its gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes
Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still Im gonna miss you…
Dont question why she needs to be so free
She’ll tell you its the only way to be
She just cant be chained
To a life where nothings gained
And nothings lost
At such a cost
Theres no time to lose,
I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Aint life unkind?
Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…

I wish it were so

September 5, 2007

If this were true, wouldn’t Valium be the new fertility drug??

Nothing makes me tense up quicker than being told to relax.