Archive for the ‘all things ART’ Category

Bye Bye Bio Baby

April 9, 2007

This post was originally puplished on Cats in the Cradle. It’s being republished here at the request of the Town Criers. If you would like to read along as the rest of my story unfolds, just send me an e-mail so I can invite you to the new private blog.****
Well, it is official, our last IUI (how many was that anyway??**) is over and AF is here yet again. We are done with the biological route to parenthood.

Are we sad?
Are we relieved?
Yes, in a way that is also true.
Are we glad we already started the homestudy for domestic adoption?
(I would truly be drowning in panic and pain right now if I did not already have the next step well underway. )

It’s hard to really express all I feel right now. I am truly happy to be moving forward with adoption. I am truly ready to embrace all it’s ups and downs. And I also mourn the idea of creating a life, creating a family, in the usual way. I used to think I would give anything to make sweet love with my husband and create a baby together. But it’s not true. I wouldn’t give anything. I would not give my soul, my sanity, my joy for living. There has to be a limit to what we endure. The things I feel saddest about are things like letting go of the idea of seeing my husband’s eye’s or smile in my child’s sweet face. I don’t mourn so much the pregnancy or the childbirth but I do mourn those lost months of connection to our child. I mourn the fact that I will not be able to make sure that every day of the child’s first nine months will be healthy, safe, smoke and drug free, etc. But most of all I mourn the autonomy of having a biological child. I am coming to grips with the fact that I will forever share our child with another set of parents. I will be my child’s second mom. I will also be the child’s real mom, but I will always need to explain that to the ignorant and reassure myself of it when the insecurity creeps in. I’ve always been a fairly generous person. I don’t mind sharing as a basic concept in life. But when it comes to MY child, our child, I’m not so crazy about the sharing part. But, I am willing to stretch and grow until that feels OK too.

So, I’ll end this post saying that I want to share something with those of you who are near the same place I am. If you’re wondering whether to do more ART or give up or adopt or whatever. I know I was not ready to adopt until I was ready. Friends and family may have thought we should give up already some time ago, but it’s a very personal thing and you have to get there in your own time and in your own way. So, I’m not here to say, adoption is better or right for everyone. I am not here to urge you to stop torturing your body and soul. You will know when enough is enough. And you will also find peace in whatever route you take after that (adoption, childfree, all those other choices that don’t feel like choices in times of despair). I wish I had gotten pregnant. I really do. Even this last cycle, I was surprised and disappointed by the BFN. You think I’d be immune, but I’m not. I really thought maybe I could fall into that group that “gets pregnant as soon as they give up.” But I am not crushed like I have been some of those earlier times. I also feel very excited about the prospects of adopting. There is a great relief for me in having a cycle day one when I don’t have to call the doctor and start scrambling around to order meds and rearrange my schedule etc. The biggest “plus” about adoption is that you know it WILL work. It may take longer than you like but it will end in parenthood. So, there is also a real relief in that. There is also a real joy in being able to knit a baby blanket without feeling “jinxed” and there is a real joy in looking at cribs and bedding and clothes and knowing you will actually need these items one way or another. I can look at babies and not want to cry (pregnant bellies not so much).

So, I am sad that we did not win the ART lottery but I really am OK with closing that chapter. I am looking forward to being an adoptive mom because the important part is the mom part!

**I did not blog much about this last cycle. Losing Oscar threw me, getting Jack preoccupied me and really I was way past blogging about follie counts and hormone levels. I did count and here’s the grand tally for those who like numbers:

FSH inj + IUI=4
more FSH + IUI=6

GRAND TOTAL: 16 ART cycles in 3 years.

I was 35 when we started with RE in April 2004 (we tried on our own for 6 months previous to that) and I will soon be 39 in May 2007. Fuck, it has been a long haul.

Enough is enough. This was our limit. Yours may be different.


A preemptive move?

January 30, 2007

Well, I don’t quite know where to begin this post. It’s one of those ‘do you want the good news first or the bad news first’ kinds of posts? I’m usually inclined to get my bad news first so I’ll go with that.

This cycle is a bust. Again. I took an HPT yesterday and today so I was not shocked by the call that came on my lunch break, just hours ago, to say that the pregnancy test was negative. Yet again. I was not shocked but that does not lessen the pain much. I have a feeling a big cry is ahead and I already had one Sunday.

I am sad, of course I am. I am not as crushed as I have been other cycles, but that may not be a good sign altogether. It may just indicate how tired I am. How little hope I had for this cycle to begin with, etc. I was more sad on Sunday when I had the big cry. I cried and cried like the world was ending. Because it was. My idea of my world was ending. My world does not, and will not, look the way I wanted or expected it to. I never imagined this for myself, for my husband, or for our life together. Of all my worries (and I tned to have many) infertility wasn’t even on teh list. It was such a shock, and still is in some ways, rather surreal. All this pain and disappointment has been our marriage. (I mean this in terms of time, we have been enduring fertility treatments for most of our four year marriage, nice honeymoon, eh?) I really need the pain to stop. I am depressed and sad more than is healthy. It is understandable given our circumstances but that doesn’t make it OK. I need to take my life back at least on some level.

There comes a time when banging your head against the wall just hurts too much, and starts to feel a bit silly, to be honest. So, we are truly at that crossroads now. We need to choose a path even though the one we wanted isn’t even on the map we’ve been issued.

So I have mentioned the options before: Continue treatment, pursue adoption, choose child free. The last is still not imaginable for me. C. can imagine it, says he would be OK being just us, just a couple but he supports and understands that I cannot let go of the motherhood dream I had for myself and the family dream I had for us. It may be able to accept child fee at some point in the future, but right now I till need to try to build a family. It’s just that I need to try in a way that may actually work for us. We will do no more than two medicated IUI’s. We will submit our application to the adoption agency that we have researched and chosen. We will pursue domestic adoption. As far as adoption options go, the Caucasian newborn programs are about the longest shot of all, but it is what we are going to try for. I have to have faith that a birth mother out there will find us to be a good fit to parent her baby. It may take a while. I will probably take longer than if we chose an international program (hard to say really) but C. feels very strongly about this path and I just want to get to motherhood, so I don’t want to quibble about which road anymore. I would have skipped IVF altogether if C. and I could have agreed on an adoption path way back then. I was too scared of domestic but I’ve educated myself and opened my heart and I think this is something I can do. One thing infertility has taught me is that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I could have imagined and I can do a hell of a lot of things I would have found impossible if you had asked me four years ago!

So here we go! Buckle up!

Oh, and since I ought to explain a number of things, including the title of this post: We met with the adoption agency staff yesterday. It was a real on the fly kind of thing. I tested yesterday morning and all hope was lost yet again for a pregnancy. C.’s shift got cancelled. I got to work and my boss sent me home when he found out my hubby was off (C. having a day off is pretty rare and my boss is also my dad.) So, I called C. to say I was coming home and how did he feel about going to meet the social worker if I could arrange a meeting? He said yes, I called, she said see you at three. So, off we went. We explained our scenario, asked our questions the last of which being how firm were they on the rule about stopping treatment before even submitting an application. And after a bit of back and forth which involved her figuring out just how done I really was and that I had no intention whatsoever to be in “the profile book” as an available couple while still trying it was just that we wanted to get the home study underway so that we could be “book ready” and hit the ground running as soon as I got my BFN from the last IUI no later than May. She said she would normally discourage this overlap but she gets the clear sense that we are ready and if we are willing to take the financial risk of losing our application monies, etc. then she’s fine with that. I said well, after losing close to fifty thousand dollars on failed treatments what’s another $1600 on a home study and an application if we should not need it in the utterly unlikely event I find myself pregnant in the next two attempts after something like 16 have failed (I’ve lost count.) So, that long winded scandalously long run on bit is to say I think I am finally ready to embrace the adoption option.

I am both scared and excited. On Sunday I had a huge cry about it all (again). It was rather cathartic and it made me look at what I really want here. We want to be parents. Biology is not a priority for us. We’d like a newborn so domestic was the way to go and we’ve made our peace with our respective birth mother fears. The state I live in and where the agency is based has a 30 day revocation. So once we jump all the hoops, once we are chosen, once a baby is placed with us, we will have to make it through an entire month of loving and bonding with a child we may not get to keep. But as devastating as a “disruption” would be (can you believe that’s what they call it??) the risk is relatively low. And somewhere along the way here, C. and I are bound to fall on the right side of the statistics, right??

And lastly: If I am so ready, why do the two more cycles at all? Well I don’t have a really great answer for that other than I just need to. I may change my mind along the way but I am quite sure it will be in favor of doing less cycles, not more.

Oh, Opr@h!

January 25, 2007

First, I guess I should give her credit for featuring the struggle of infertility in way that was realistic overall, more so than most media renditions anyway. But O, why did you have to go and taint it by traumatizing poor Jenn** by mentioning that ever popular assvice idea that people get pg as soon as they adopt?! Really, I expect that sort of thing from my dental hygienist, but not from you O, you have a whole team of fact checkers who ought to have set you straight on that all-irritating myth! Luckily Jenn** did a good job of setting you straight, though in my opinion she was too nice about it.

**There really seems to be a lot of infertile Jennifers! Was it anyone we know??

Cycle Update

January 23, 2007

There’s not much to say. NBHHY. I am just 7dpiui and I had a progesterone check this morning which I have not heard back about, but fool that I am I choose PIO over suppositories so “normally” the level is fine.

As for how I am feeling: Well, Saturday was a wonderful day in the city at the home show, the sailing show, and dim sum for lunch.

Sunday I cried most of the day.

I also read the fine print on our adoption agency application and they require you to swear on your life (or at least sign that you agree with penalty of losing your money) that you have finished and ceased all IF treatment. So it appears that my grande plan of tackling this on all fronts is on hold. Unless I find another agency which right now I am not feeling up to doing.

Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.

But, otherwise I am fine, just fine. How are you? (Fake beagle smile plastered on for all I’m worth!)

Now I’m off to the dentist. That should be fun. At least they can polish my fake smile. With my luck I’ll find out I need a root canal.

As for the new blog, cats in the cradle: I’ve fucked it up and I think I may just delete it and start all over. Or just give up on the idea. I was determined to have a cool new template but I am just too worn out to put much effort into this. So stick with me here for a while. If I get my act together, you’ll get a new invite. If not, then . . . well . . . you won’t!

Edited to add: Progesterone is 22.3 I think that’s OK but not stellar.