Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Who knew SOCKS could be so much fun!!?

April 7, 2009


VA Blondie of Do Without Doing sent me a lovely package that arrived this past Friday when I was having a bit of a frazzling day. What a nice surprise to find something FUN in the mailbox rather than more bills! And not only did she send me socks for the sock exchange . . . she sent THREE pair! Wow . . . that is the height of sock it to me generosity! Thank you VA Blondie . . . I love them all!

First we have a lovely Spring themed pair:

Next we have my favorite of all . . . the mother son socks. How cute are these??

Thank you also to the fabulous Kymberli for coming up with this idea and arranging it all!


Sock it to me!

March 10, 2009


Show and tell . . .

July 14, 2008

My happy ending . . . my joyous new beginning . . .

my happy ending

my baby boy

For more show and tell . . .

Show and Tell


March 10, 2008

go vote


And then their eyes glazed over . . .

March 4, 2008

I had a thought today that might explain some of why adoption has felt “harder” to me than ART did.*

Even though the average person doesn’t “get” how painful infertility is, they can “get” that going through IVF sucks (or IUI or what have you.) Everyone can gasp at the horror of having a foot long needle stuck through your vagina into your pelvic cavity (egg retrieval in case anyone reading hasn’t reached that point.) Nobody likes injections, much less giving yourself three of them a day. People can “get” some of that.

With adoption, this capacity to put themselves in your shoes is a bit different. What little empathy and or sympathy I was getting for enduring ART went away . . . only to be replaced by excitement.



It really threw me. People were no longer sorry for us they were excited for us. Trouble is, from where I stand there is nothing tangible to be excited about. There are still no guarantees. My arms are still empty and my heart still aches. But now, my aching heart has to face excited faces instead of sympathetic ones . . . and my look of exhaustion and my lack of giddy joy really seems to puzzle them.

I find it hard to face people these days. I dread the questions, the eager inquiries about “any news??!!” . . . “have you heard??” . . .

I just want to say: “Do you SEE a (freak’in) baby?? Huh? Do you?”

(can you imagnie the reaction??)

Don’t people realize that if/when we get that baby, we’ll announce it.


But I don’t want to lose the few IRL friends I have left, nor do I want to get myself locked up in one of those big hospitals surrounded by a huge green lawn. (AKA the nut house.)

I’ve actually avoided social situations in order not to have to deal with this whole aspect. And it’s getting lonely. I’ve tried going anyway, and answering their questions honestly, (and sanely) with explanations of how we are hopeful but it’s still really hard right now. That there are no guarantees and a lot of anxiety involved in the process. Etc., etc., blah . . . blah . . . blah.

Their eyes glaze over and the conversation drifts to a safer topic.

I just don’t have the patience for it. Or the stomach.

So I stay home or at least stay quite when I go out. I nod and smile and scream inside. Their ignorance pains me. I feel envy. I want to be that ignorant again too. I want my reasons for knowing better to have just been a bad dream.

I want to wake up to my baby’s cries instead of my own tears.

*In addition to the (as perceived by me) differences between infertility treatment and adoption as family building “options,” there is the factor of time and age added to my story. I’ve been at this TOO long no matter what order you want to put the efforts in and I am nearing an age when doors to motherhood slam shut. Both those factors seriously color my views. So, theses are only my views from my perspective. Writing is not really my strong suite, so I may not always express what I mean in ways people can understand.

I can promise you that I never mean to say that my journey through hell trumps anyone else’s. We all measure out pain with a very unique and individual yardstick.

Weekend Plans

January 11, 2008


Won’t you join me in reading?

If your geography applies . . .

November 22, 2007


WIHTH #5 (aka Mel made me do it!)

November 14, 2007

This was Mel’s idea and it made me laugh. So I wanted to share it with you. Mel pointed out that as a Jew she doesn’t feel the same pressure of the whole holiday thing and maybe I could convert, even if just until the New Year. Or maybe have this T-shirt made up.

Then the following conversation happened I I thought hey . . . maybe I should convert!

Our neighbor who is an adoptive Mom from the closed adoption era, recently asked how our adoption was “going.” (funny question if you think about it.) Anyway, just to have something to say I told her about the social worker’s feedback about our profile and video and about how we “almost” got picked (if only we had been Catholic) a while back. Well, our neighbor IS Catholic as it happens, so of course she was all over this. She could sign me up for classes she said and I could convert. Or C. could convert, and I should become Jewish, because those are the two religions that “don’t abort unwanted pregnancies” don’t ya know? If we each converted we’d have all our bases covered.

Great idea. Let’s start a new trend in adoption fraud . . . pretending to be Catholic/Jewish PAP’s to gain first families’ favor!

But back to the t-shirt . . . It is in the spirit of WIHTH, that I am considering conversion to Judaism. (Not to perpetrate adoption fraud on some unsuspecting first family!)



I wish in no way to offend anyone. I have nothing against any religion, or any holiday. I really do love Christmas in many ways, what I hate is the commercial ruin of it all. The false frenzy of buying in the name of generosity, the pressure people feel to go into debt to keep up and all that stuff that has nothing to do with God, or Love or Family. It’s really been warped into a marketing ploy.

I also hate that people forget those who need love most of all at the holidays: the childless, those who’ve lost a loved one, older people in nursing homes, the forgotten. If Christmas was really about Love and Generosity it would look a lot different than it does these days. I imagine God looking at us all running around with Santas and Snowmen, as we ignore the homeless on the streets, and shaking His/Her head in dismay.

OK, enough of that. Mainly, I hope that I spread a few laughs in writing WIHTH, a few knowing nods about what bugs you too . . . no harm meant to those with strong religious views.

Damn, my disclaimer is longer than my post! Well, I had to get that off my chest. I don’t want to go to hell. I feel as I have already been there and it’s not very nice.

The traveling DVD

September 21, 2007

I’ve finished watching the DVD.

I had already seen the original piece on the O show but not the aftershow and the Today show piece. The O show segment made me sad all over again. The Today show piece was too short and glib somehow. The O aftershow made me cringe. Yikes. I would have been so uncomfortable. My own religious views aside, (and I’m not sure I even know my own views some days), I hated to hear that part about letting go and letting god.

I’d like to pause here to say that I think faith in a higher power is a good thign to have. Finding comfort in your religion and in your beliefs is a positive. What I object to is imposing that on someone else. Especially in a society composed of very dieverse views.

I also think it was hard for me to hear ‘let go and let god’ because I hear blame in that somehow. Like I’m getting in my own way, if I’d just let it go it would happen. The whole “meant to be” thing bothers me as well. If I am to accept that I am not meant to have a child, then it makes me feel like I’m not worthy of kids rather than that there is some mysterious bigger plan for me. I also sometimes feel that my lack of faith has “caused” my infertility. If I had been in Jenna’s seat on that stage or in the aftershow audience the whole god aspect of the advice would have put me over the edge.

How is it god’s bigger plan that crack addicts and young girls raped by step fathers get pregnant and loving mature couples can’t? I just can’t wrap my head around that idea. Maybe I need to get my head around that idea, but so far it eludes me.

O seemed very baffled by Jenna’s expression of shame. I think most peopel touched by infertility understand it. But, how do you explain the shame and blame of infertility? I would struggle to express that. At the same time, as I said earlier, the whole, let go, relax, what’s meant to be will happen bit adds to our shame and blame.

I have to say that that I think Jenna was very brave for going on these two shows. The show’s portrayal of infertility may not have been perfect. I’m sure Jenna spoke from her heart and I’m sure that the editing for TV diminishes that. Still, I think that however frustrating O’s advice to “let it go” might be for any one of us to hear, and I am imagining it was frustrating if not infuriationg for Jenna, I still think it was worthwhile for her to share her story. Any time infertility is presented in a “non-Lifetime TV movie” kind of way, it increases public awareness. And while there is no way to know, I have to believe that with her huge viewership, some O fan who might have become an assvicey SIL or ‘best’ friend to an infertility sister, might now be just a little bit gentler to someone who needs it. I can only hope that is true.

Jenna has my respect for doing these shows. I could not have done it.

As for letting go of the dream. I won’t. I can’t. It’s what I hold onto. I have adjusted my dream. But I cannot let go.

If I let go of the dream, I think I might drown.

**********edited to add:

Funny thing I heard this on the radio at lunch.
This one part stood out to me

Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones

She would never say where she came from
Yesterday dont matter if its gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes
Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still Im gonna miss you…
Dont question why she needs to be so free
She’ll tell you its the only way to be
She just cant be chained
To a life where nothings gained
And nothings lost
At such a cost
Theres no time to lose,
I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Aint life unkind?
Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…

Here’s One for Old Time’s Sake

June 11, 2007

When I started this blog (an eon or so ago) my original premise for a theme was to use fortune cookie fortunes as my post titles and then build the post around them. But that turned out to be very impractical. What was I thinking? So, I posted a fortune now and again when it happened to fit my mood or be noteworthy in some way.

So much has happened since then, much of it squashing my belief in luck and fortunes. So much so in fact, that I started a new blog; a blog with a new theme not to mention a new plan (bye bye ART, hello adoption).

So, today I ordered Chinese take-out for lunch and I snagged a couple of fortune cookies for old time’s sake.

And wouldn’t you know it, they’re kind of fit for blogging.

“The harder the fall, the higher the bounce.”

And my personal favorite:

“You’ll never find a better sparing partner than adversity.”

How do these cookie makers know so much about my life?

I’m planning to take down Fortune Cookie Follies in the next month or so. I will give the Traveling Book it’s own blog so we can keep up with that. And as always, you’re welcome to come visit me at Cats in the Cradle (where the baby should be) anytime! E-mail me for an invite if you don’t have one already.