Moving to WordPress

December 14, 2007

Moving Day . . . same story, new digs.

For those still linked to this blog, please update me in your blogroll/links/etc.


If any of you web smarties know how I can move my template over to wordpress, I’d love a few pointers. It’s time to redecorate anyway, but it would be nice to move the links etc all in one go.


Welcome to our new digs

December 14, 2007

Saying bye bye to blogger for no other reason than that we needed a change of scenery.

If your geography applies . . .

November 22, 2007


WIHTH #6 (Brace yourself for a downer)

November 15, 2007

WIHTH #6: This time of year has me drowning in sad memories.

This time last year:

First there was this pathetic glimmer of hope.

Then crushing disappointment and buckets of self pity. (not my finest moment in blogging)

Then to top things off, a week later, the powers that be kicked me while I was down and took away even more. (so forgive me god, God, Allah, Buddah . . . if “this little light of mine” don’t shine so bright right now.)

And then there is non-IF holiday pain:

Less than a week before Christmas about* 1 decade ago my husbands mother died much too young, unexpectedly and tragically

On the very day of Dec. 25, almost* 2 decades ago my Opa, my closest grandparent, died.

So it’s not all about picture perfect lit Christmas trees and stockings hung with care. It’s about loving those around you and grieving those who aren’t. Both those who actually lived and died and those who simply never came to be.

This WIHTH is not uproariously funny and if you came here for my usual sarcastic wit, I appologize. But this is the real WIHTH. I know I am too consumed with the losses right now to focus on the blessings. The blessings do exist. I’m just not sure how Thankful I can be one week from today. Maybe it’s enough to just be present and save the thanks for next year.

*I know each of these dates, and even the hours, by heart. I am choosing to be vague here for my own sake.

WIHTH #5 (aka Mel made me do it!)

November 14, 2007

This was Mel’s idea and it made me laugh. So I wanted to share it with you. Mel pointed out that as a Jew she doesn’t feel the same pressure of the whole holiday thing and maybe I could convert, even if just until the New Year. Or maybe have this T-shirt made up.

Then the following conversation happened I I thought hey . . . maybe I should convert!

Our neighbor who is an adoptive Mom from the closed adoption era, recently asked how our adoption was “going.” (funny question if you think about it.) Anyway, just to have something to say I told her about the social worker’s feedback about our profile and video and about how we “almost” got picked (if only we had been Catholic) a while back. Well, our neighbor IS Catholic as it happens, so of course she was all over this. She could sign me up for classes she said and I could convert. Or C. could convert, and I should become Jewish, because those are the two religions that “don’t abort unwanted pregnancies” don’t ya know? If we each converted we’d have all our bases covered.

Great idea. Let’s start a new trend in adoption fraud . . . pretending to be Catholic/Jewish PAP’s to gain first families’ favor!

But back to the t-shirt . . . It is in the spirit of WIHTH, that I am considering conversion to Judaism. (Not to perpetrate adoption fraud on some unsuspecting first family!)



I wish in no way to offend anyone. I have nothing against any religion, or any holiday. I really do love Christmas in many ways, what I hate is the commercial ruin of it all. The false frenzy of buying in the name of generosity, the pressure people feel to go into debt to keep up and all that stuff that has nothing to do with God, or Love or Family. It’s really been warped into a marketing ploy.

I also hate that people forget those who need love most of all at the holidays: the childless, those who’ve lost a loved one, older people in nursing homes, the forgotten. If Christmas was really about Love and Generosity it would look a lot different than it does these days. I imagine God looking at us all running around with Santas and Snowmen, as we ignore the homeless on the streets, and shaking His/Her head in dismay.

OK, enough of that. Mainly, I hope that I spread a few laughs in writing WIHTH, a few knowing nods about what bugs you too . . . no harm meant to those with strong religious views.

Damn, my disclaimer is longer than my post! Well, I had to get that off my chest. I don’t want to go to hell. I feel as I have already been there and it’s not very nice.

WIHTH Reason #4

November 9, 2007

Why I Hate the Holidays:
Reason #4:

These festively depressing reminders of what the holidays SHOULD include arrive in the mail almost daily


November 9, 2007

WIHTH = Why I Hate The Holidays* (lately)**

Reason#1 The Holidays are all about kids. I don’t have kids (yet).

Reason#2 The Christian Holiday AKA Christmas celebrates the BIRTH of a BABY to a VIRGIN no less (!!!) And I am kind of mad at G-O-D anyway.

Reason#3 Holiday merchandise (greeting cards, decorations, etc.) is finding its way into stores well before Halloween. This is ridiculous and uses up what little festive cheer I might manage to summon up well before we even reach Thanksgiving. When you’re this short on holiday cheer, you need to save it for when it counts. Being bombarded by the commercial merchandising blitz does NOT help.

*This may become an ongoing series
**I used to enjoy the holidays as much as the next person and hope to again some day soon

Brought to you by Cats in the Cradle.

As requested by Mel/The Towncrier.


November 9, 2007

Go HERE to see what it’s all about.

The traveling DVD

September 21, 2007

I’ve finished watching the DVD.

I had already seen the original piece on the O show but not the aftershow and the Today show piece. The O show segment made me sad all over again. The Today show piece was too short and glib somehow. The O aftershow made me cringe. Yikes. I would have been so uncomfortable. My own religious views aside, (and I’m not sure I even know my own views some days), I hated to hear that part about letting go and letting god.

I’d like to pause here to say that I think faith in a higher power is a good thign to have. Finding comfort in your religion and in your beliefs is a positive. What I object to is imposing that on someone else. Especially in a society composed of very dieverse views.

I also think it was hard for me to hear ‘let go and let god’ because I hear blame in that somehow. Like I’m getting in my own way, if I’d just let it go it would happen. The whole “meant to be” thing bothers me as well. If I am to accept that I am not meant to have a child, then it makes me feel like I’m not worthy of kids rather than that there is some mysterious bigger plan for me. I also sometimes feel that my lack of faith has “caused” my infertility. If I had been in Jenna’s seat on that stage or in the aftershow audience the whole god aspect of the advice would have put me over the edge.

How is it god’s bigger plan that crack addicts and young girls raped by step fathers get pregnant and loving mature couples can’t? I just can’t wrap my head around that idea. Maybe I need to get my head around that idea, but so far it eludes me.

O seemed very baffled by Jenna’s expression of shame. I think most peopel touched by infertility understand it. But, how do you explain the shame and blame of infertility? I would struggle to express that. At the same time, as I said earlier, the whole, let go, relax, what’s meant to be will happen bit adds to our shame and blame.

I have to say that that I think Jenna was very brave for going on these two shows. The show’s portrayal of infertility may not have been perfect. I’m sure Jenna spoke from her heart and I’m sure that the editing for TV diminishes that. Still, I think that however frustrating O’s advice to “let it go” might be for any one of us to hear, and I am imagining it was frustrating if not infuriationg for Jenna, I still think it was worthwhile for her to share her story. Any time infertility is presented in a “non-Lifetime TV movie” kind of way, it increases public awareness. And while there is no way to know, I have to believe that with her huge viewership, some O fan who might have become an assvicey SIL or ‘best’ friend to an infertility sister, might now be just a little bit gentler to someone who needs it. I can only hope that is true.

Jenna has my respect for doing these shows. I could not have done it.

As for letting go of the dream. I won’t. I can’t. It’s what I hold onto. I have adjusted my dream. But I cannot let go.

If I let go of the dream, I think I might drown.

**********edited to add:

Funny thing I heard this on the radio at lunch.
This one part stood out to me

Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones

She would never say where she came from
Yesterday dont matter if its gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes
Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still Im gonna miss you…
Dont question why she needs to be so free
She’ll tell you its the only way to be
She just cant be chained
To a life where nothings gained
And nothings lost
At such a cost
Theres no time to lose,
I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Aint life unkind?
Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…

I wish it were so

September 5, 2007

If this were true, wouldn’t Valium be the new fertility drug??

Nothing makes me tense up quicker than being told to relax.